To feel excluded from the community with no way back?

[Alixeab]

We moved to an area close to where I grew up. I went to an independent school and didn’t really know anyone where I lived.

When we had dc I said I was unsure about being part of a village where we didn’t go to the local school as it feels isolating. Anyway, we love living more rurally. I don’t want to move back to a city. But I feel completely left out of the village now my dc has started independent school. We are not invited to parties… there were three Halloween ones last week and all the photos up etc. I do socialise in the village and have made efforts to chat to the other mums and meet up with them but often I am asked if dc will move back to the local school
and I’ve always said I’m not sure and tried to be vague but it feels like a wedge between us.

we want dc to go to the independent school as the local one is basically two rooms ranging from age 3 to 11 and dc is very happy at current school. Is this just my life now? Feeling totally isolated? I do have friends from DC’s school and have mums I have known since the baby group days but village mums seem to have zero interest in my and my family. It feels so shit and was almost instant when we moved dc from the nursery in village to start school. Feeling really low as I love my friendships and would have loved to have been part of the fun and events in the village.

How old are your children? Does your village have extra curricular clubs that happen in the village? Cubs or Brownies for example. The obvious way in is for your child to access something in this way and socialise with the local kids to make a connection. By proxy you will then meet the parents and get invited to things. If a club doesn’t exist could you start one up?

Others have already covered that they just invited kids their kids play with. Are your children friends with theirs? I live in a small village and has not occurred me to invite random children mine don't socialise with.

Now, saying that, mine also go to independent school. They will have plenty of opportunities to socialise with people from every part of society later in life - while they are still young, I am happy to limit influence from some of those parts.
However, as they have joined local village sports teams, they still know the kids and have friends also in the village. Do you have any options like that?

My parents went from B'ton to Cornwall, knew absolutely nobody and they were mid 50's. They held BBQ's in their garden, went to the church fairs, donated a ton of bits and bobs and their time (tho non religious), helped out neighbours with problems, practical and things like paperwork (my dad was a dab hand at cutting through red tape etc), went to the local pub. The result?
They never fit in. They were there 20 years and in all that time they made one friend, a neighbour/farmer who was of a similar way of thinking and tbh, it was all rather unpleasant at the end.

Sorry to say, sometimes that's just how people are. You could try hosting the parties, volunteer, give people a chance to get to know you but even that may not be enough through no fault of your own.

I think it’s inevitable. Your dc isn’t part of that school friendship group and you aren’t part of that mum friendship group. It would have been odd if your dc was invited.
Why not do your own party and invite dc’s friends or take your dc to parties with their school friends.
Are there and social opportunities in village for your dc to mix eg cubs or brownies. Maybe volunteering with something like that would emesh you both more with village life.

This is it in a nutshell. You have self excluded yourself from the community that revolves around the local primary school. You haven't done anything wrong by send your child to a different school, but people tend to hang out with the parents of their kids' school friends at these type of events, or at least people they see everyday on the school run and you no longer fit into either of these categories.

Cross post @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast!

We had a similar experience OP. When my eldest started school we opted for the nearest independent school. At the time we had no real workable alternative as the village school had no wraparound care and we have no local family, so we needed a school with hours more compatible with my working hours. Inevitably it led to my DD being somewhat isolated from other children in the village. There was no nastiness but obviously children spend a lot of time at school and it is where friendships are made really. I didn't expect her to get invitations to parties hosted by DC she didn't know well - she was invited to those of her own school friends though. I never thought it was mean, just the natural consequences of the decision we'd made. I really don’t think there were parents sitting there thinking "Ha! We'll exclude Ageing's DD because her parents think she's too good for our school, that will teach them! "She just wasn't on their radar. They probably asked their kids who they wanted to invite and got given a list of school friends, just like I did when I asked my DD who she wanted to come to her birthday party etc.
Later on, circumstances changed and we moved our DD to the village school. Soon she was being invited to everything, because she was now part of that social group and she drifted apart from her old school friends. There was no "falling out" or anything but they were not longer spending 7+ hours a day together and most of her time was now spent with the local children. The inevitable outcome of that was that relationships changed.
As others have suggested, there are things you can do to integrate more into village life but in my experience going to school elsewhere does make a difference and you can't completely compensate for that. It’s nobody's "fault" really, it's just the way things are. If you are sure the independent is the right school for your child then I am afraid you have to accept the downsides. Every decision we make has pros and cons and one of the effects of not going to school with the neighbours' children is that they're less likely to become close friends. But they'll have friends elsewhere. Swings and roundabouts.

Your community is around the independent school not the village school. That's what you've chosen and it will be what you make of it. You don't get to be part of the other group that you have rejected, even if you claim not to have - what else would you call assessing it, deciding your it's not right for your DC and choosing an indie? Your DC is happy with that choice, so are you, so own it and everything that comes with it.

The strangest thing to me is that you're surprised by any of this, after starting off saying: I went to an independent school and didn’t really know anyone where I lived. That's precisely what you've chosen to do again and it's happening just the same for your child. Honestly, what did you expect?? Does everyone at the indie school invite the village school kids to parties? Court not. A community isn't something theoretical. It's organic and happens because you have shared experiences. You don't get to skip the experience and get the benefits.

If you want your child to be part of the village children’s lives you will need to send them to the local school. Otherwise you will need to facilitate travel to places (presumably further afield) to participate in the social lives of their school friends from independent school

I've lived in the same house for over 30 years, but have never been part of a "community". I have no idea whether any of my neighbours ever have parties. And that's absolutely fine. Surely you already have friends, OP, even if they're not on the doorstep? What do you think you'll gain by palling up with all the locals?

@TheZanyZebra thanks this is a really interesting perspective on it. I think I’ve tried too hard to fit in!

@Cynic17 i suppose i feel like we are outsiders. I do have a lot of friends all over the uk and many I see regularly so it’s not a desperate need to make friends but more to feel we are part of the village

Tricky. I think most people ask ther dcs pals and get to know parents that way. I think if your kids aren't in school with the local kids it's going to be hard to break into that click. I'd try the other stuff tha doesn't revolve around children ie choir, tidy towns etc

I'm not sure if we'll be able to afford independent school, but the main reason we were keen to send our kids to the local primary was so that they could make friends locally. We live in a remote place and it was important to me that they had friends locally. Children have to be a lot older than mine are to "manage" friendships (ie set up dates/travel about etc). I'm quite surprised this didn't occur to you? It's honestly been the most important factor for me in picking schools!

What activities are there in village? Start there. If there’s a church dc going to Sunday school might help. Any kids activities like cubs? Anything on a library eg Saturday LEGO group.

Do the village kids know your child? It sounds like his friendship groups will come from his school rather than the village. Does he take part in any local clubs or societies? I think it would be quite odd to invite someone to a party when you don’t know them.

Are you throwing parties and inviting people over, and they are not reciprocating? Do your children invite all the local village kids to their birthdays?
Do your children attend local clubs/church/sports to meet children they don’t go to school with?

For YOU to be part of the village (no kids) you'd join this and that and pop down the pub when they have a quiz ect.

For your kids to be part of the village - well - they have to know the other kids. That means going to school with them.

No amount of random parties will equal the bond of having been through primary school together.

They will know each other through their dc. It's inevitable.
My dc went to an independent school in a nearby town. They made friends who went there and I made friends with some of the parents.
You can have friends in the village if you continue to be friendly and interact. There is nothing to stop your dc making friends in the village also but it will be harder and may not happen. Mine did make a friend in the village through football so it can happen and I am still friends with the mum.

We live in a village with a primary school and within very short distance of a lot of private schools. I am very involved in village life. The kids who go to private schools are unknown to the rest of the village, even if they take part in the many sports run here because activities for children tend to be centred around the school. Once kids move to secondary school they forgot friendships made in the village unless they are at the same secondary school, same with the parents. You have isolated your child and yourself I’m afraid.

That’s village life I’m afraid. When my parents moved me from the local school to the better comprehensive in a nearby city, that was definitely perceived as thinking we were “above” the local school. Similarly my friend who went to catholic school mixed far less with village kids in primary. Also bear in mind a lot of these mums will have gone to school together themselves and may have years of bonding behind them. It’s not personal exactly, it’s just how small communities work. If you don’t send your kids to the local school then you are “segregating” them to an extent, whether you’re a white family living in a predominantly black part of london who reject the local school, or you’re an upper or middle class professional in a working class village rejecting the local school.

How it ended up was that I had a much smaller group of village friends after primary because of that move, but the benefits of a better school in all kinds of other ways (including a group of friends there.) I no longer live in the village and have no plans to move back, but I understand why they were they way they were, and my mum did find her tribe even if it wasn’t at the school gate.

It's the obvious answer.

I think it's says a lot of about the depth of those friendships tbh. Fairly shallow by the sounds of it. Wouldn't you rather be friends with people who weren't offended by choices that don't affect them? I.e. proper, genuinely friendships unlike like a PP that even admitted 'your school choice suggests their choice of school isn't as good as yours' 🙄🙄🙄🥱🥱

I don’t think it is necessarily just village life though. I grew up in a town with multiple primary schools - my parties, and the parties of my friends, were almost all just children from our school. Because that’s who we knew.

I think it’s just “children want children they know to come to their parties, and not children they don’t”. That’s it. Nothing deeper than that.

I agree @TheZanyZebra about overthinking and trying too hard and fwiw @Alixeab my kids are older and i do have a spread of friends but it does take time, sometimes things don’t work out and you have to let that go.

Halloween is a funny one as it is the closest we get to a community event so it can make you feel bad when you see troops of friends trick or treating and your dc aren’t included.

its possible the p school thing is a small issue for some people - those people are going to be a dead loss for friendships because of their priors.

and I mean it sincerely - do things that make you happy, being a mum is hard enough! Happy people are appealing friends.