To feel excluded from the community with no way back?

[Alixeab]

We moved to an area close to where I grew up. I went to an independent school and didn’t really know anyone where I lived.

When we had dc I said I was unsure about being part of a village where we didn’t go to the local school as it feels isolating. Anyway, we love living more rurally. I don’t want to move back to a city. But I feel completely left out of the village now my dc has started independent school. We are not invited to parties… there were three Halloween ones last week and all the photos up etc. I do socialise in the village and have made efforts to chat to the other mums and meet up with them but often I am asked if dc will move back to the local school
and I’ve always said I’m not sure and tried to be vague but it feels like a wedge between us.

we want dc to go to the independent school as the local one is basically two rooms ranging from age 3 to 11 and dc is very happy at current school. Is this just my life now? Feeling totally isolated? I do have friends from DC’s school and have mums I have known since the baby group days but village mums seem to have zero interest in my and my family. It feels so shit and was almost instant when we moved dc from the nursery in village to start school. Feeling really low as I love my friendships and would have loved to have been part of the fun and events in the village.

You are really not doing your child any favours in the short or long term by isolating them from their local community and sending them to a school out of the area and which may well have a smaller range economically of society's children.

You are limiting your child's life experiences in a way which may well impact their success in future professional careers eg which may be what you would wish for for them. Think about the role of a GP, teacher, nurse, solicitor, barrister, builder, MP, Councillor, trades etc etc all rolls where the ability to get on with and empathise with people from every part of society is crucial to their success.

Why would you want to hamper your children in this way ?

There’s no guarantee you’d be included if they went to the local school.

People I know whose kids are at independent schools spend a LOT of time driving. Because their friends are not local, they are spread all over the much wider catchment area of that school.

I wouldn't invite your child as I'd assume they wouldn't be interested seeing as they aren't interested in being at school with my child.

If you want to have roots in the community, you have to sink them in yourself. Absent a school link, you’ll need to invest lots of time volunteering, joining the council, etc.

It’s understandable that you feel sad, but it really was inevitable. Kids forget each other quickly. If you want to stay part of the community, that involves more than just chatting to people you see out and about. Your kids need to actually be involved with things. That could be a club or playing out with neighbours or playdates or a regular kick-about in the park. You could set up something yourself.

I have no strong feelings about independent schools either way, but why would you expect your kid to be invited to a party that's being thrown by someone he doesn't go to school with? Aren't all kids parties basically their school friends and the odd cousin? I live in a village and wouldn't for a second imagine DD would be invited to every child in the village's birthday party!

OP, of course you've rejected it.
You say yourself that you wanted smaller classes, therefore you rejected the local school to sent your child to an independent school.

I think that’s a really odd emotive thing to say. It’s not cruel. I don’t know all the kids who live in my little village but am I expected to invite all these strangers to every party I have?

Assuming these are private parties hosted by individual children from the village? As opposed to community events?

Party invites are generally for friends of the host child. Not for children of their parent’s friends.

Children are friends with those they see regularly, generally those in their class.

If their parents allow a party with e.g. 12 guests, they will pick their 12 best friends who they see every day.

You have made an effort to be friends with village adults but have you encouraged your child to make an effort with village children?

Have you hosted play dates and parties, sleepovers and met up at the park? Is you child in the local scout group, sports team, drama club or swimming lessons?

You made the decision to find another school so you need to do all the running, planning and inviting.

You don’t mention if your child is at all bothered about this?

I assume that the village school is a big part of the community and you have rejected it as not good enough for your child.

It does seem odd that you didn't know any of the local children when you were a child because you went to a private school but you have chosen exactly the same thing for your child but are still surprised that the consequences are the same.

I honestly don’t think this is the issue though. Do people really not invite children because they feel the parents rejected the school?? Or do they just not invite them because their children have their own friends and don’t want a kid they don’t know at their party? I live in a small village, with one small primary school. There is another village nearby with a very small school. Some children from my village go to the other school because it has very small class sizes that they like (too small for my liking but it’s horses for courses). My DC do not really know the children who go to the other school, unless they go to beavers in which case they know my eldest.
They wouldn’t be invited to a party - not because I’m annoyed they’ve “rejected” the village school, but because my DC do not know them!

I don't think this is a private versus state school thing - it's just being at a different schools.

I live down a street where most families send their kids to one private school, and ours go to a different private school (which is actually closer). Their kids socialise with each other because they know each other from school, whereas my kids don't tend to join in.

I really don't think it's a big deal OP - surely it's easier to organise parties with parents and kids you know already from your child's school?!

If you really want to get involved, you will just need to look out for volunteering opportunities and keep doing them to make social inroads.

Weird to want to go to a party of a school your children aren’t attending. Very odd. The toddlers likely went as older siblings attend the school.

I found that most people who claim they don't "fit in" have very strange ideas about others, (most people, not ALL people) and how they interact.

People just get on with it, sometimes they are invited, sometimes they are not, they make small talk and basic chit chat to start, it's not that deep. Friendship develop over time. They never think about "fitting in", so they just do.

I only keep note of which kid invites my own kids to parties and sleepovers etc to make sure I invite them back. My kids are not bothered either, you can't be invited to everything and they don't invite everyone either. Sometimes they can't even invite all the people they would like because numbers have to be limited.

There's no need for drama.

OP I know you say you've made a effort to make friends in the community, but has your daughter? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she needs to set these things up herself, but have you taken her to group activities for kids? Spied the kids she seemed to talk to the most and then hosted play dates? And been consistent with that. It only takes one child to say "mum, is X going to the party?" that could get the ball rolling. Because while you may be making friends, when organising a child's party, an adult isn't going to be thinking about you, or your daughter by extension. They're just going to throw invites in the schools direction and not give it much more thought.

How do you know about all these parties you're not being invited to?

I imagine it's through something like a local FB page. Can't you post there and say that you understand you're not in touch with the network as much as you'd like, as your DC goes to a different school, but how can you get more involved with the community?

I still don't understand the set-up 😂

If your neighbours are all in a running club/ book club, and they have a big "running club/ book club" party, you wouldn't expect to be invited when you are not part of the club, your address is irrelevant.

If a school-related party is organised, why would you expect children not part of the school to be there?

Or do you think they should invite a random neighbour, just because they seem to have the same age? That's weird.

I agree with others OP.

the community is about so much more than the school.

for many years, we didn’t have children. I was still the church safeguarding officer, on the village community council, and on the local festival and show committee.

now I have children, they do NOT go to the correct village school. I am on the PTA for their school, but run a toddler group for both villages, plus the above and multiple fundraising things and book clubs.

Find the groups and get involved. It’s much more likely an oversight than a deliberate exclusion.

if you are on the planning committee for the village events you won’t be missed off!

I think this is the issue. The parents aren't not inviting you because you 'rejected' the school, its really not that deep, but because you took your children and therefore yourself out of their daily orbit.
You're just not there in their daily lives so they don't think about you. It's up to you to find a way of rebuilding that.
This can be fairly easily changed but it will be you who needs to make the effort.

Your family won't get invitations because no-one knows you.

It's likely this and could happen with kids at another state school.

You may also have some additional issue with perception as you've chosen private schooling.

Are they involved in any local groups - brownies/guides/scoutes.

It's also possible not to be included and still go to the village school - that was often mine and older siblings fate. Youngest sibling go in with in crowd but then DMum worked in village shop and school by then so was well known.

I've never lived smaller than town as an adult - last town was cliquey to outsiders and my kids were often left out or couldn't joing local groups as never got to top of waiting lists. We did what we could in area and moved to a city. In city they met kids from other shcool through swim lessons and local groups but till secondary still mostly did partes with kids they went to school with and saw ever day and occaionally their family members.

But you’ve actively opted out of the school that is available for all. The more kids that go there the more likely they are to have more year groups too. By opting out you’re damaging your village community.

you can’t have your cake and eat it… as they say.

It’s a party for the children who all know each other through their school. Does your daughter socialise with these children normally? Would you invite all these children you your daughter’s birthday party, or will it be her actual friends from school?

You haven’t been excluded, it’s a children’s party.

They don’t know you and you don’t know them. I live in a village and my child goes to independent school elsewhere. I’ve never felt ‘left out’ because they don’t know me 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have my mum friends from the school, I go to their parties and I go to local community events, but I would never expect an invite to a private party thrown by people I have only a tenuous connection with. Stop taking it personally.

Unfortunately you've found that's not enough. I don't understand why you thought things would be different for your child than they were for you, when you're repeating your childhood in them.

My 'parent' friends, apart from friends I knew before having my son, are/were all from baby groups/nursery/school. I wouldn't have the time or energy to start making random friends from the neighbourhood, plus trying to make children be friends with each other doesn't often work once they're no longer babies or toddlers.