To feel excluded from the community with no way back?

[Alixeab]

We moved to an area close to where I grew up. I went to an independent school and didn’t really know anyone where I lived.

When we had dc I said I was unsure about being part of a village where we didn’t go to the local school as it feels isolating. Anyway, we love living more rurally. I don’t want to move back to a city. But I feel completely left out of the village now my dc has started independent school. We are not invited to parties… there were three Halloween ones last week and all the photos up etc. I do socialise in the village and have made efforts to chat to the other mums and meet up with them but often I am asked if dc will move back to the local school
and I’ve always said I’m not sure and tried to be vague but it feels like a wedge between us.

we want dc to go to the independent school as the local one is basically two rooms ranging from age 3 to 11 and dc is very happy at current school. Is this just my life now? Feeling totally isolated? I do have friends from DC’s school and have mums I have known since the baby group days but village mums seem to have zero interest in my and my family. It feels so shit and was almost instant when we moved dc from the nursery in village to start school. Feeling really low as I love my friendships and would have loved to have been part of the fun and events in the village.

I don't understand why you think your child should be invited to a party where the hosts (& other children) don't know her 🤔

I genuinely don't think people are likely excluding you out of any kind of malice, but if your child doesn't know their children and they don't particularly know you then I'm not sure why they would invite you to any parties they hold?

If you want to be part of the community you probably need to join up to some clubs or sign your child up to some where they will be befriending the local kids.

Managing small children's activities is really bloody time consuming. It's just easier to do it via the school gate / school WhatsApp group. I would not have the headspace to think "oh, what about Mrs Miggins and her kids at no.47?" on top of everything else. If I did manage to, I'd probably think I was being condescending by assuming she had nothing better to do than bring her kids to a party where they didn't know anyone.

I don't think they are being unkind, they are just oblivious.

Could you make friends with parents from the local independent school?

from the OP:

I do have friends from DC’s school

My own experience with the small village community.

It’s extremely closed off.
If you don’t fit ‘the mould’ (ie children go to the village school, you have family there, you know people from when you were a child/teen etc…), it’s very hard to fit in and find your place.
If people are anything like the ones where I live, you’ll be looked down for sending your child to an independent school too.

My best advice is to try and make friends based on your interests, volunteering etc… not around other mums.

If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have moved to a small place like this. For the reasons you describe.

I think that the fact that it's an independent school is something of a red herring actually. Yes, there will be some people who disagree with private education who might be influenced by the OP's decision, but I think the fact that her DC doesn't go to the village school is far more of an issue than where they do go.
I think the issues would be broadly the same if the DC went to a different state school or were home educated. It's the amount of time spent together and shared experiences of school that underpin a lot of friendships at a young age. One of my DC's friends had an older brother who stayed at the school he went to before the family moved into the village and whilst the younger sibling had loads of local friends the older boy never really made friends with his peers in the village.

A better question is, why is it that it’s ok to treat ‘outsiders’ differently?

At which point are they not outsiders anymore? 2 generations? When they’re doing all the same thing as ‘everyone else’ in the village? Whatever that means for that place - going to the very small village school, going to church, volunteering at THE organisation in the village …. -

This is normal in a village I’m afraid. We have several families in our village whose children go to prep schools. You never see the kids except through the window of a Range Rover and as so much village activity for parents and grandparents of younger children revolves around the school, PTA, fete etc the parents end up being sidelined too. The private school kids don’t do any of the local sports clubs, scouts etc as, presumably, all that is provided by their schools as part of the package.

Generally one generation. So if you move to a village, you will always be outsiders. But your children, if they were born after you moved and went to the village school, and have local friends, did local activities etc, will not be.

She’s an outsider from the social life of the village children because she spends no time with them and her child doesn’t know any of them. It’s not a judgemental term at all - she is on the outside of the school WhatsApp’s and the planning committees and - for all we know - the actual hosts of these parties. She doesn’t volunteer in the village or send her child to school there or invite anyone to her house for a party so what else should she expect?

I am an immigrant to Scotland and threw myself into my chosen community and feel welcome and included. Im on the PTA and volunteer at the food bank and go to community events and host my neighbours regularly for bonfire night and whatnot. You have to put in the work if you want to be part of something - or you enjoy whatever else you are part of, that’s fine too. You just can’t ignore a community until you want something and then be surprised no one is excited to have you there.

Op's kids aren't going to the village school but she still wants to be invited to the village kids' parties.

That's bizarre and entitled.

That's a bit disingenuous in this situation. They're only outsiders out of choice and some people choose indie schools partly so their DC have a different cohort of friends and mix in a particular niche rather than the full spectrum of society. It's an exclusive environment by its nature - they've chosen to be outside and if they hadn't then they wouldn't be. It's okay to treat them on those terms, not because of some big rule book and conspiracy to leave them out, but for all the practical reasons people have given that you know who you do things with and that's how a community develops, not on some abstract egalitarian principle of people being treated the same regardless.

I know the type of schools you mean, and it's just the nature of the beast. In tiny village schools, everyone knows everyone, and there's a lot of social over-lap.

By not attending the local school, one of two things will likely happen:
1: The local kids don't know yours exist, so aren't ever going to offer up their names for parties etc. For kids of primary school age, the school social group is THE social group. It's hard to bring in outsiders.
2: The parents will think you're snobby. Like your precious angels are far too good and lovely to attend the local school with the plebs. They'll think that YOU think you're better than them.

You can't have it both ways very easily. You either attend the local school and have an easy "in" to the group, or you keep your kids in private and accept that, for now, the village isn't going to be your social hub.

When it comes to village primary schools their choice absolutely affects other people. A 2 room school is going to be under constant threat of closure, so people who move to the area and decide not to use the school are having a negative impact on the community for other local families.....

Good point. I imagine the village school is the lifeblood of the village.

OP isn't contributing financially or socially to the school community but wants to reap the benefits.

Her son presumably has his birthdays with the private school kids but she wants to muscle in on the village school kids parties.

Bonkers thread from OP. No idea why she'd expect to be invited to a party hosted by someone she doesn't know! The mind boggles..

Heck my neighbours don't invite me to any of their parties. Our kids are roughly the same age and they'll play out in the cul-de-sac together in the summer and we'll have a chat. But they don't invite me to their kid's birthday parties as we are not friends and the kids are not friends.