To divorce or overreacting?

[ldnelegantelephant]

I’d really appreciate some perspective because I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is something serious enough to end a marriage over.

I have been married to my husband for a couple of years and he’s a really good man. He provides for me financially even though I work full time, he’s never been abusive in any way (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.), and he defends me strongly, even cut off some family members because of how they treated me. He treats my family with a lot of respect, and he’s physically affectionate. Hugs, kisses, cuddles- physical touch is definitely his love language.

He spends all his time with me, which I love in some ways. He doesn’t really go out much, he’s a total homebody. When he’s not working, he just wants to be home with me. We hang out a lot- watching movies, playing video games, or just relaxing together. He has close friends, but mostly interacts with them online or by phone. He’s not very social outside the house, which has never really been a huge problem for me.

The issue, and it’s been going on for years now, is that he just doesn’t express love through words or through effortful gestures like planning dates.
Before marriage, he used to constantly tell me how lucky he was, how much he appreciated me, how he loved me, and he would plan things for us. That’s actually one of the main reasons I married him. I need reassurance and verbal affection to feel loved. Now, yes he tells me he loves me every day (at night before we sleep, in the morning before work), but he is not as vocal as he used to be. He even used to send me paragraphs expressing his love for me.

Now I’m the one planning every date. If I didn’t plan them, we literally wouldn’t go out. When I bring it up, he says he’ll “try,” but even when I suggest something really minimal like “just one date night a month,” he’ll say “I’ll try” instead of actually committing. He'll then do it once or twice and then we will go months where he does not plan any dates before the issue is raised again.

It breaks my heart because I feel like I’ve been so clear about what I need, and it’s not even something huge or expensive. I’m not asking for daily gifts or over-the-top romance- just small verbal reassurances, compliments, and some effort to plan things so I feel seen and wanted. In his mind he can't see why I have an issue with being the one who plans all the dates, but I want it to be a shared thing and I want to feel like he wants to plan things and do fun things together. BTW he pays always. Not sure if that adds anything.

He’s not cruel or dismissive, like I said he says he loves me, and I know he does in his own way. But this is starting to really affect me. When I tried to tell him that, he said something that really hurt- that he “doesn’t think he has it in him” to give me what I need. Later he backtracked, but honestly I don’t think asking for one date night a month is too much.

So now I’m stuck wondering:
Am I being unreasonable for wanting this?
Would you take this as something that could be worked on, or do you think divorce is needed?

I love him, and we have a peaceful marriage but I feel unhappy with these two things. I honestly don’t know if this is fixable or if I should start accepting that this might be the rest of my life if I stay. He has now begged me to give him a chance to try but I don't know how many chances I need to give for something so minimal.

PS before anyone suggests- he is a very loyal person. We have access to each other's phones, accounts etc. so I know that he is not doing anything shady or cheating. Just want to put this out there before any potential comments.

How old are you OP, and is this your first long term relationship?

It's really very normal for those big displays of affection to die down after the honeymoon period. It's also pretty normal to not get absolutely everything you want out of a relationship. Compromise is part of the work involved in making a marriage last.

Apologies if I'm overstepping, but I think you have self esteem issues and I think you should be looking at this situation through that lens. If you had healthy self esteem, you would see your husband's enthusiasm, loyalty and affection as clear signs that he loves you.

Forget the pseudopsychology of love languages - it's tosh. People can feel and give love in many different ways. I'm sure you can come up with some system of choosing dates (a jar, a rota, whatever) that works for both of you - but it has to start from a place of understanding that he does love you and this is just something he's not great at, rather than a place of panic that he no longer loves you.

Yes i would absolutely divorce this lovely man OP and then he’s free to find someone who will appreciate him. 🤷‍♀️

@ldnelegantelephant - Have you explained how you feel about your husband/ discussed your thoughts about all this with your therapist? If you haven't, please do so before you do anything you will almost certainly later regret.

Forgive me if I've got this wrong, but it's coming across on here that you have this idealised image in your head of what romantic love should look like? But the thing is, the idea of continuing the heady lifestyle of early relationships, going on dates, getting dressed to impress, all that stuff is just the beginning of a long lasting relationship. No-one can maintain that kind of behaviour indefinitely. Love settles into something deeper and calmer and much more real in our day to day lives

You don't mention children - which is when date nights become very important to get a break from the day to day run of the mill stuff. But you want to go out, which is fine - but there is no reason why you can't do the organising! My husband is the same in many respects, but I am good at planning and organising and he is absolutely not. But he is an expert at ironing, for example and I never have to do any ironing. Ever. 😊😊 Lots of other examples, but what I am saying is that it is good to make use of people's natural abilities rather than an expectation of one person that doesn't fit with who they are.

You won't change who he is, but you may be able to change your mindset, by discussing this thoroughly with your therapist. He sounds a lovely man, but if you can't change your mindset, then yes, you do need to leave him, for both your sakes, but his in particular.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

You really don’t know how lucky you are.

This!

And then if she is like my BPD acquaintance, she will spend the next ten years bitching and moaning about how now she is financially insecure and how dare he move on and be happy without her and how she regrets engineering the end. Rinse and repeat.

I wonder how you think your life would be better if you divorced him? Nobody is perfect and it can be hard to change the way we are.

Really interesting insight.

I wonder if this does indicate that the Op should get divorced.

Her husband will never be able to fulfill her needs. I can't imagine quite how draining that must be to live with. He is begging for more chances. But even if he measures up this month, he must know that any slip would lead to more threats.
Thats no way to live.

@ldnelegantelephant YABU OP. My DH and I have been married for 43 years and there's no way our relationship is the same now as when we first met (it's much deeper). The honeymoon doesn't last forever - it can't.
Your DH sounds like an excellent husband and this all seems to be about you and what you want based on your anxiety and insecurities, which are for you to fix, not your DH (and yes, I know you've spent a lot on therapy - so why isn't it helping?).
What about what your DH wants? You wrote "he never ever plans anything - dinners, drinks, cinema whatever!!!! My point is if I did not plan these things we would NEVER leave the house!" It seems clear to me that your DH is perfectly happy at home so long as you're there. So, if you want to go out - with or without him - you organise it (BTW, if you bought cinema tickets online, you would be paying for them, not him).
Divorce him for such a ludicrously trivial reason if you want to, but it would be your loss and, ultimately, another woman's gain, and I have no doubt you would live to regret such a decision.

Well if you think that, you should report to MN HQ, rather than posting that thought on here. They have asked repeatedly for Posters NOT to call someone out on the threads but to let them know.

I would have said that when I was first married. Always anxious, always worried and constantly seeking his approval and reassurance. I was a mess.

The thing is - I knew my way didn’t work. It didn’t make me happy. My behaviours were self-sabotaging and could have cost me my marriage. I was miserable. So I chose to learn his behaviours instead, and un-learn mine, because mine weren’t helping me. I made a conscious choice to appreciate and value what I had, instead of wanting him to change. Because he wasn’t the problem - I was. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to change yourself and adjust your attitudes than to be constantly wanting someone else to change their fundamental personality.

I’d advise you to give it time, trust him and realise what a good man you have. No one will ever be perfect. Appreciate what you have, what he brings to the table. Don’t lay your trauma at his feet to fix. He sounds like a good man and a good husband who does his best. And that’s all we can ask from someone.

I'm in my 20s. Second LTR

In every relationship there is one person that plans things, and does the holidays, they are the CEO.

That’s you. That’s me. I like it that way.

You can get this need met another way. Make a book of all the things you do together: take photos. He is practical. He expresses love differently than you.

If you divorce good man over this, there would be a queue of women to take him off your hands. There are women out there would love to even have dinner with someone as nice as him.

Sounds like you're bored in the relationship but you're never going to be happy in any relationship

Can't be bothered to read all this but Woah.

How is this man perfect? He can't even take his wife out?? once?

@ldnelegantelephant as my old nan used to say:

There is no such thing as Mr Right, only Mr Compromise.

If you find the compromise too much then yes divorce him but prepare for the disappointment that is dating in the 21st Century and the fact that you will NEVER find someone that ticks all the boxes. they just dont exist.

Getting your husband to break contact with some of your family because they've treated you badly is a red flag for me. So, just since you introduced your husband to your family, you've fallen out with some of them to that extreme extent?
It seems to be very easy to treat you badly. The level of entitlement is off the scale. I'm curious about what you bring to the table. I'm going to make a wild guess and guess that you're extremely attractive?

This is how I frame my 30+ year marriage. I'm incredibly lucky to be married to a good man too.

In addition, I also have various other life issues, such as a traumatic childhood, lifetime severe insomnia and chronic fatigue (since a few years) due to previous extensive radiotherapy treatment. However, I long ago decided that I'd choose how to mentally frame my attitude to my issues: xyz issues from childhood trauma? Either feel miserable about it or accept them and be glad it's in the past; haven't slept for 5 nights? Either be miserable and resentful or accept it and get on with life; CFS limiting every minute of every day? Either give up under the depressing weight of it, or be bloody glad that the cancer didn't kill me; My DH being incompetent (he's not very practical)? Either seethe in resentment or crack on and do the things I'm better at and be grateful for the things that he does do better than me. The change in attitude makes for a much happier, less stressful life for me!

It's not infallible, but you get the picture. Ultimately, it's true that you can only change your feelings and behaviour, not other people's, and it sounds as though you'd have an (emotionally) poorer life without your husband by your side. Though only you know if that is true or not for you.

I hope you find a solution that works for you, because it's horrible to feel the way you do.

Gosh OP your expectations for married life sound a bit unrealistic? I think my husband and I have probably managed 1 'date' so far this year, we are busy, meals out are expensive and it can feel quite artificial? We've created a home together thats ours that we love so we are happy to spend time together in it.
You sound slightly needy wanting paragraphs expressing his love for you and planned out dates, it all sounds a bit princessy and wanting to be fussed over?

I read that he had cut off some members of his own family, not hers.

I think you sound very needy to be honest. I think if you divorced you would be hard pushed to find anyone better than the husband you have.

The fact that you have BPD and that he has used the words "I don't think I have it in me to give you what you need" ring alarm bells for me. Those sound like the words of a man who feels really browbeaten and exhausted. I am wondering if there is a real lack of self-awareness on your part due to your BPD and of awareness of the impact of your BPD on him. He sounds a fantastic husband and perhaps he is already putting a lot of himself into making you happy and not triggering your anxieties and just doesn't have anymore to give OP. I think you'd be crazy to divorce this man and I think the fact that your thoughts have gone to that extreme is probably an example of BPD black and white thinking.

He tells you he loves you and shows you by his actions but that's not enough, you want fucking paragraphs. Wildly unreasonable.

You want him to go to the effort of planning dates and being there, but he is and you said he's not very social and you're fine with that.

You've bought into a fundamentalist bag of patriarchal bullshit that is the love languages and think he has to prove him love for you on a daily basis by doing more than he already is. Why is it up to him to plan dates when he's not a social guy?

I think you're way over the top and extremely unrealistic with this. Divorce a good guy who loves you and treats you well for what? What do you think is out there that's better?

Maybe you need therapy to adjust your expectations from some cloud in the sky romance to what a real life marriage is. Your incredibly high need for reassurance shows that your self esteem is actually low and you're trying to get your husband to validate you to compensate. Self esteem comes from within, not without.

I think you may be self sabotaging. It seems unfair that you put so many expectations on your DH because of your trauma. Therapy is good place to start working on yourself, he cant heal your truama and no matter the reassurance he gives, it will never feel like enough until you begin your healing journey yourself.

We as people need to stop expecting other people to make us happy, why go into a marriage broken without fixing and healing yourself first?

Yes, definitely divorce him and let somebody else have him who can appreciate him.

if you are not happy with him, you won’t be happy with anyone.

You’ve already had many responses @ldnelegantelephant kind and harsh, so I can’t add much more but as someone with trauma and anxious attachment who was constantly expecting a partner to fill that empty void where love should be, I just want to reiterate, nothing your partner can do will ever fill that void because it’s something only you can address.

I promise you if he pitched up this evening with a whole year of date nights meticulously planned, you’d be buzzing for an hour and by morning you’d be thinking ‘ but he’s planned them all in advance. It’s not spontaneous enough. But half of them are dinner dates when I’d rather do an activity. There are activities but I’d rather do spa days’ and you’d still feel empty and still blame him.

You can divorce for whatever reason you want no matter how trivial it seems to anyone else.
But you can’t divorce yourself.
For all the time and money you say you are spending on therapy it doesn’t seem to have given you the knowledge that expecting one person to fulfil every need is a sure fire road to unhappiness and break ups.
Or that dating life is very different to married life.

You say you do a lot of things to show your love to your husband but some seem performative rather than authentic.
Could you hand on heart say you fulfil 100% of his needs and would react well if he constantly harped on about one thing you don’t or can’t do?

Rather than focusing on the one thing he doesn’t do, why not focus on the many he does with genuine appreciation rather than box ticking before you get to the thing you want to complain about.

If you do genuinely love him, then you need to reframe things because there’s a slim chance you’ll find anyone else to meet so many of your needs again.

If you don’t and this is the one thing you are using to justify your doubts, then you might have a hard decision ahead.