To divorce or overreacting?

[ldnelegantelephant]

I’d really appreciate some perspective because I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is something serious enough to end a marriage over.

I have been married to my husband for a couple of years and he’s a really good man. He provides for me financially even though I work full time, he’s never been abusive in any way (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.), and he defends me strongly, even cut off some family members because of how they treated me. He treats my family with a lot of respect, and he’s physically affectionate. Hugs, kisses, cuddles- physical touch is definitely his love language.

He spends all his time with me, which I love in some ways. He doesn’t really go out much, he’s a total homebody. When he’s not working, he just wants to be home with me. We hang out a lot- watching movies, playing video games, or just relaxing together. He has close friends, but mostly interacts with them online or by phone. He’s not very social outside the house, which has never really been a huge problem for me.

The issue, and it’s been going on for years now, is that he just doesn’t express love through words or through effortful gestures like planning dates.
Before marriage, he used to constantly tell me how lucky he was, how much he appreciated me, how he loved me, and he would plan things for us. That’s actually one of the main reasons I married him. I need reassurance and verbal affection to feel loved. Now, yes he tells me he loves me every day (at night before we sleep, in the morning before work), but he is not as vocal as he used to be. He even used to send me paragraphs expressing his love for me.

Now I’m the one planning every date. If I didn’t plan them, we literally wouldn’t go out. When I bring it up, he says he’ll “try,” but even when I suggest something really minimal like “just one date night a month,” he’ll say “I’ll try” instead of actually committing. He'll then do it once or twice and then we will go months where he does not plan any dates before the issue is raised again.

It breaks my heart because I feel like I’ve been so clear about what I need, and it’s not even something huge or expensive. I’m not asking for daily gifts or over-the-top romance- just small verbal reassurances, compliments, and some effort to plan things so I feel seen and wanted. In his mind he can't see why I have an issue with being the one who plans all the dates, but I want it to be a shared thing and I want to feel like he wants to plan things and do fun things together. BTW he pays always. Not sure if that adds anything.

He’s not cruel or dismissive, like I said he says he loves me, and I know he does in his own way. But this is starting to really affect me. When I tried to tell him that, he said something that really hurt- that he “doesn’t think he has it in him” to give me what I need. Later he backtracked, but honestly I don’t think asking for one date night a month is too much.

So now I’m stuck wondering:
Am I being unreasonable for wanting this?
Would you take this as something that could be worked on, or do you think divorce is needed?

I love him, and we have a peaceful marriage but I feel unhappy with these two things. I honestly don’t know if this is fixable or if I should start accepting that this might be the rest of my life if I stay. He has now begged me to give him a chance to try but I don't know how many chances I need to give for something so minimal.

PS before anyone suggests- he is a very loyal person. We have access to each other's phones, accounts etc. so I know that he is not doing anything shady or cheating. Just want to put this out there before any potential comments.

It all sounds teenage angsty. Noones perfect let alone you.

What’s his again?

I can’t quite believe you’d suggest divorce over something so minor. He goes on the dates and pays for everything! He sounds lovely. You do need to chill out OP. Don’t make problems where there are none.

If you are feeling emotionally empty - is one date a month going to satisfy you? Given everything he already does, it does seem like you need to address your insecurities rather than asking your partner to jump through more and more hoops to make you feel secure.

This doesn sound like divorce !! He's someone else. Understand his perspective. Find you own life too

Seriously. Count your blessings.

O P he sounds like a God send. Lucky you. Where did you find him?

You seem very narcissistic. Everything is about what you want and what you need, what about his wants and needs?

Ok that explains a lot....

Sheesh you've only been married a couple of years and you'd consider divorce over this? This is just a speed bump, surely. For better or worse and all that.

It’s her BPD. Incredible hard to be in a relationship with someone that has BPD as even when things are fine they are never satisfied or satiated and the BPD makes it hard for them to maintain or be ok with stability. OP needs to work on herself and not her husband who isn’t doing anything and she’s discussing divorce. If I were him I’d be suggesting if she brings it up again I will divorce her for being ok with using it over my head over nothing. It’s not ok.

The norm for BPD people. And it’s HIS family he’s been isolated from. Very very easy to upset a BPD person. My brother has it and is extremely hard work, easily upset and offended, expects people to be a mind reader, everything is all about how he feels and his needs/wants and he could care less how that makes others feel. How does OPs poor husband feel? Bringing up divorce and him asking for chances when he’s done nothing wrong is abusive.

Yep, she's a Zoomer. A generation that grew up surrounded by apps and technology which only offer short-term satisfaction in the form of dopamine kicks, while wiping out the appreciation of genuine real-life relationships that require hard work and understanding.

The reality is that relationships can’t stay in that heady stage of new love. Writing paragraphs of love now is over the top however not planning dates is lazy. Have you asked how you can be a better wife to him I wonder? Cos whining will not inspire him to write paragraphs of how much he loves you.. so whilst I vote yabu, I think you should say he’s to plan more dates as long as you listen to what he needs from you. If he doesn’t change, then you have to decide whether to accept or reject but tbh I would love to hear his side of the story… perhaps ask him to post on here?

On a serious note OP, I actually probably would consider divorce. But don't just use it to threaten him to behave how you want him to. Actually do it. Because this man isn't going to make you happy and it's unfair to him to drag him along for years expecting him to fulfil your every single demand.

I take you are perfect, OP?

Being a child of a parent with BPD is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone and if this is how you treat your husband because he does everything else but you have to occasionally plan a cinema trip you aren’t even paying for ever (used much) then you won’t enjoy motherhood. It’s much more about giving than taking and your own needs often fall off at first and I expect your poor husband would be abused to hell and back trying to manage you with a child that also has needs to attend to.

Glad you are taking onboard the feedback @ldnelegantelephant

Also glad you are in therapy.
You sound young because you are young.

I think it's unreasonable to expect all the heightened emotions of an early romance to keep going in that way indefinitely.
All relationships evolve over time, hopefully in a deeper, more meaningful way

Well, these dates that apparently only you arrange but for which he pays, why aren't you paying? I mean, surely if you're booking cinema, train etc tickets,myounoay on your card? Or if going out for a meal, you just slip your card for payment to serving staff ahead of the bill being requested. Eg when going to the toilet

Because she’s abusive in many ways. Financially, has cut her husband off from his own family, holds divorce over his head for something as minor as she has to occasionally plan dates out when he’s happy to spend quality time at home and doing other things. I bet they probably do a lot at weekends too, but because it’s not HER idea of a date it’s not good enough. I feel awful for this guy. Flip the genders and imagine being threats for divorce because you e jumped every time but you like to be at home and will go out when your husband wants but because he plans it as it’s his interests and you pay and go along he’s still threatening to divorce you. It’s horrible.

Yes I agree. Once you are living together or married isn’t it just a case of one of you saying “ do you fancy seeing x film tonight, or let’s go out for dinner ?”

What exactly does ‘planning a date’ involve? Because with Dh and I, it’s just saying, do you want to go out for a meal at wherever? Yes, great. And then one of us books a table.

I’d freak right the f out if Dh started sending me paragraphs about how much he loved me. 😳

If you want to go out, just book the table and tell him what time. Every relationship needs a person who takes charge and handles the logistics. That happens to be you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just kinda means you’re the boss of this stuff, so embrace it.

I think this your poor mental health self-sabotaging when things are otherwise smooth sailing. If you’re someone who is used to highs and lows, settling into contentment is hard.

In the nicest way OP, you’re an idiot 🤗. You should examine your mental health and consider if it is affecting your very carefully constructed narrative in any way. @LaurieFairyCake nailed it up post. You are misunderstanding him, and your situation. Your poor DH deserves more. Most people in marriages will adapt to leading some aspects and the other, others. Maybe arranging dates falls to you? Is that so bad? And it’s not on him to ‘fix’ your paranoia and provide external validation to you. You need to be responsible for your own. Don’t drive him away or make him your carer. He is your loving partner. Take care. Edit typo

The issue is feeling emotionally empty

I am sure you know that a key symptom of EUPD is chronic feelings of emptiness. It’s likely that you may feel this way in any relationship you have.

I’ve now read all your posts on here. You have anxiety and trauma. It’s not his issue to fix but the issue re him paying for everything is a strange one - he insists on not letting you pay? How does that make you feel? Cared for or not allowed to contribute? Maybe he sees it as caretaking but tbh I’d see that in my relationship as not being seen as able to look after myself. Tbh I’d continue with your therapy but also consider couples therapy too perhaps? Perhaps what he said to you was him getting fed up of the caretaking role. He’s not there to make you feel better and tbh it would be exhausting having an anxious partner who depended on your validation. He’s your partner not your saviour or rescuer. I’d start insisting that you’re allowed to pay your way. He could like the role of rescuer to a certain point and I suspect there will be a lot of codependency in your marriage which is why therapy for you both might be a better approach as this seems way deeper than love languages..