Every morning I wake up with dread.

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

It is horrible. My dreams are full of worry and scenarios that are familiar in rl or that I think will happen. It is like I am in constant dread for my present life and for the future possibilities. No relief at all.

I only expect disaster and trouble because that is what life with my ex was like for the last 9 years of our 22 year relationship. I am separated from stbxh for three years.

He financially ruined us. He was also adulterous. Verbally, financially and occasionally physically abusive.

I work, 4 dcs. Youngest is 13.

I hate my job. I’m crap at it. They ask me to do stuff like create things in Canva and then tear it apart. Job description does not have creative design in it. I need to retrain and get better job but I do not know which way to turn.

I constantly worry about money. Ex left me with debt that I did not know he was racking up. Every month I worry and fret about bills and paying off these debts.

My 13 year old adores him. He is however, unpleasant to me. Surly, full of contempt and never wants to do anything with me. He wants to live with ex and when ex visits him, is really chatty and wants to do stuff with him. Never me. Not even watch a film together. In fact, he is adamant in telling his dad we never do stuff together.

I know he wants to and is going to live with his dad. Except I think that would be a big mistake as I don’t think his dad is mentally stable enough so I will try to fight that. Not least because ds13 would lose his school place here and would be very unlikely to get it back if he changed his mind. But I doubt there is nothing I can do about it ultimately. My other dcs think ds13 is mad to want to live with his dad. But he doesn’t care.

I feel overwhelmed and anxious all the time. Money worries and my youngest son wanting to live with his dad and my future. I am 54 and it feels like it’s game over. Poverty and anxiety. I wouldn’t mind but these debts are not my doing. But because we were married, I too am liable. I am pissed off that I was tricked like this. He would scream in my face if I made enquiries about the money situation.

Taking medication is not going to take away the source of my dread. I reminisce to the 1900s before I met my ex and when I was free of this awful feeling. I just cannot imagine happiness or freedom from the dark constant worry.

I just wish I were more spirited or entrepreneurial but I just can’t see a way out.

Op the one amazing thing about mn is that you’ve laid out your worries and you can see what needs to be done. Your job skills alone, even if they’re torn apart, imply you have skills that could transfer to any office setting x I’d say look at that first. 13yo is acting like a terrible teenager (understating it!). While not the same if I need to get through to mine it’s pretty much bribery, I get his favourite foods in and put on a good movie, or comment ask about something he’s interested in.

Your life is not even close to being game over. Have you gone to your gp? Do you have a nice family member or friend you can ring for a chat? Have you spoken to anyone? It takes a load off. Can you have a long bath? Do you read? Can you wander your local library and get a book you’ll enjoy? Can you go for a lovely walk? Drop into an art gallery? Board game night with the children? You need to start enjoying life xxxxxxxx

Also you’re lucky your ex is gone, remember that, better off without him x

Honestly, I'd let your 13 year old go and live with his dad. He is making your life a misery and he sounds like your husband's 'mini-me', so you have just swapped one abusive male for another.

What debts are you paying? Is he paying any of them? Please speak to a debt charity such as StepChange, if you haven't already done so.

Have you looked at other jobs? If your current job is really stressful but doesn't pay a lot, I'm sure that you can find another less stressful low paying role. If you can find one with opportunities for progression, even better.

I’m sorry you feel like this. I think you are incredibly strong to have got away from the ex and to have got this far with setting up your own life. Maybe now it a time when you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going.

do you have friends and family that can support you and talk things over with you?

keep this thread active and more people will be awake later and able to advise on the debt etc.

Yes. One foot in front of the other.

I really do not want my ds13 to live with his dad. His dad has a temper. Does not cope well with juggling work and kids. I don’t want to risk that for my ds. I will do everything I can to prevent that even though my ds is unpleasant.

I always look for and apply for other jobs. I think my age is a factor here.

I research what training I could / should do in a new direction but I cannot decide which is best and am paralysed with worry I will make the wrong decision again and waste precious money.

Ex says he’s paying off other debts he has accrued. It is astonishing how much debt he created. He is on a big salary and still racked up so much. I hate him for this legacy. And the psychological damage. He’s left our dcs with nothing.

I would like to feel not powerful but in charge and optimistic and with a future. I don’t know how to do that with the overwhelm and indecisiveness.

Have you have a proper money settlement through the divorce?

Yes. That is all agreed.

I’d let him go. He’s only going to resent you for trying to make him stay and make your life miserable.

I changed my name & moved to escape my ex's debts. No way was I paying off that lot. There really should be a way for people to contest liability for spousal debt when there's been financial abuse. And running up large debts with equal liability without the other person's knowledge or consent is always financial abuse.

If your son is in yr 9 it’s best for him to try a failure living with his Dad now than in yr 10.

Have you contacted a financial charity like step change? I think Christians against poverty can also help with apply for benifits

Did you actually sign for any/all of those loans?

It is very hard to prove I didn’t know about the debts. I honestly did not. I was horrified at what he’d done. I suspect gambling or expensive girlfriends.

I mean nobody believed me when I said he was verbally and physically abusive. But the dcs and I recorded it. And even now most of his family don’t care about that.

I can’t risk that. His dad has a huge temper.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes I am sending you a huge hug, I can relate to much of what you are saying. Most nights I wake in a panic over money, kids, job, divorce.

keep posting…the biggest help for me is reaching out to the few friends and family who really get me and I can be totally open with. They have been a lifeline in helping me to regain a bit of perspective when I spiral with anxiety, help me see how far I’ve come when it absolutely doesn’t feel that way. I am also on medication and about to start counselling so a multi pronged attack!

Ah see it wasn’t loans although I’m sure he has plenty of credit card debt I don’t know about but those cards will be in his name.

It’s outstanding school fees. You see both parents sign up to them. My ex was paying them from his account. Except he didn’t pay them. He remortgaged a btl property to pay for the fees but spent the money on something else instead. So I am left paying off 22k in fees. Every month. He refuses. Plus I have my solicitors fees to pay. But that is on me anyway.

He insisted on private school from the off!

He is totally not transparent about money and anything. We did form Es etc.

We had a mortgage free house worth £750k. He sold it. The money vanished. The total control he insisted on and enforced is really frightening. I was frightened for much of our marriage.

As a mum that's been there I let my soon go live with his dad at a similar age! And thank god I did as he sore the real dad and family, suddenly the cash and treats slowed down and reality crept in for dad, couldn't just drop everything had responsibility, no sudden holidays, had to parent, practical things, feed him wash clothes etc please let him go xxx

But because we were married, I too am liable

This is a real common misconception. We don’t have community of property in this country. Unless the debts are in your name too, they are not yours and there is nothing the debt companies can do to chase you about them. Get some advice from a debt charity about it. Same with secured debt - if you are not a co-debtor or a guarantor they can only take money from your husbands share of the property it’s secured against.

With your DS, he’s getting to an age where he will vote with his feet. It’s a shame but you fighting it won’t help or make him see the reality of the situation. He needs to experience his dad’s crappy parenting to see that. I would tell him he can move in a year or so but explain to him about the school place and that he won’t get it back. Otherwise you’ll find that he moves in there at 16 anyway and does even more drastic things like leaving education.

Think positive. You’ve left the shitty relationship, you’re still young and in good health. See this is as a chance to change your life for the better.

Aha sorry cross post. Yes they are joint debts then. He sounds absolutely awful.
At least you are free of him now. Money is just money and if you can somehow get enough for somewhere to live, the fact that you’re not living with him anymore to me would be worth a lot.

Living with dad for a bit might be salutary for your son. He will probably find out very rapidly that the grass is not greener on the other side of that particular fence.

Have you spoken to woman’s aid. They have a course for teenagers. They can also put you in contact with companies to reduce the debt as it is not yours. Is your solicitor in family law? You need someone who understands. No way you should be paying those debts if he sold the house.

But my solicitor told me I too am liable. So I pay.

The DCs school have been supportive and came up with a repayment plan that is just doable for me but things are so tight.

ds13 can go and live where he wants when he is 16. But before that I will discourage it. For my own conscience, I need to know I did everything I could to discourage it. Ex does a very good job of Father Christmas dad and I don’t want ds13 being subject to the reality if I can help it. Not least because I can’t get him back into the school here if he leaves.

I really appreciate all the positive encouragement. Thank you. I just want to feel there is a future and something to look forward to that I can build rather than scrabbling about in the mud of debt and a job I don’t enjoy.

Have you spoken to the school about the fees? When we found ourselves on verge of bankruptcy with our former business I was very honest with school and told them we couldn’t keep a roof over our heads let alone pay fees.
they were surprisingly understanding and agreed a long term interest free payment plan that will take another 4 years to clear (well after DD has left) but has meant I can just about keep my head above water. I pay half, ExH the other.

Ah sorry, x post. Can see you’ve already spoken with school,
you are doing all the right things, do you hzz as be someone IRL to talk to?

Is there something that I could retrain in quickly that would lead to a proper and real constructive career path? I was thinking cyber security. No experience but one can learn?

Take your dc out of private school and declare bankruptcy if eligible. Start afresh.

I honestly would consider shared care for the 13yo. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change how he's feeling other than letting him experience life with dad for himself. I've got 3, all young adults now & all had very different opinions about, & relationships with, their father growing up. I stayed completely neutral & there was nothing I could have done to influence them anyway. If you just keep saying no to him he'll resent you, & that's THE most destructive emotion in my experience.

Re career. I went back to uni in my 40s & retrained into the professions. I have to work temporary contracts to maximise my earnings at the moment, so it's hard going with no holidays or sick pay, but it's guaranteed work, age is valued & we live well on it. It's a descision I've never regretted & a very successful investment of time, effort & money.