Every morning I wake up with dread.

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

It is horrible. My dreams are full of worry and scenarios that are familiar in rl or that I think will happen. It is like I am in constant dread for my present life and for the future possibilities. No relief at all.

I only expect disaster and trouble because that is what life with my ex was like for the last 9 years of our 22 year relationship. I am separated from stbxh for three years.

He financially ruined us. He was also adulterous. Verbally, financially and occasionally physically abusive.

I work, 4 dcs. Youngest is 13.

I hate my job. I’m crap at it. They ask me to do stuff like create things in Canva and then tear it apart. Job description does not have creative design in it. I need to retrain and get better job but I do not know which way to turn.

I constantly worry about money. Ex left me with debt that I did not know he was racking up. Every month I worry and fret about bills and paying off these debts.

My 13 year old adores him. He is however, unpleasant to me. Surly, full of contempt and never wants to do anything with me. He wants to live with ex and when ex visits him, is really chatty and wants to do stuff with him. Never me. Not even watch a film together. In fact, he is adamant in telling his dad we never do stuff together.

I know he wants to and is going to live with his dad. Except I think that would be a big mistake as I don’t think his dad is mentally stable enough so I will try to fight that. Not least because ds13 would lose his school place here and would be very unlikely to get it back if he changed his mind. But I doubt there is nothing I can do about it ultimately. My other dcs think ds13 is mad to want to live with his dad. But he doesn’t care.

I feel overwhelmed and anxious all the time. Money worries and my youngest son wanting to live with his dad and my future. I am 54 and it feels like it’s game over. Poverty and anxiety. I wouldn’t mind but these debts are not my doing. But because we were married, I too am liable. I am pissed off that I was tricked like this. He would scream in my face if I made enquiries about the money situation.

Taking medication is not going to take away the source of my dread. I reminisce to the 1900s before I met my ex and when I was free of this awful feeling. I just cannot imagine happiness or freedom from the dark constant worry.

I just wish I were more spirited or entrepreneurial but I just can’t see a way out.

I get you want to protect him but it is likely to end up backfiring and the outcome could be even worse. How about he goes to his dad at weekends and holidays to allow him to keep the school place?
I presume the kids are all out of private school now because if you’re in debt they really should be.
What does your solicitor advise you’d be able to achieve by way of a divorce settlement?

I whipped them out of private school three years ago.

Get your 13 year old to his father but with the caveat that whatever comes his way is his choice. If he kicks off, tell him to take responsibility for his choices and he has to live with them.

What do you mean by the professions?

My ex lives in a different county. He comes over every holiday or dcs see him where he lives. So it couldn’t be shared care.

His father has screamed in his face when we were married. Awful behaviour. What happens if he’s living with him and I’m not there?

Agree with others to allow DS a trial period living with dad. And could you move the kids to free education?

Ah okay. Well I would have a very serious chat with your DS and tell him he can go, next school year but that this means if he ever changes his mind, his current school place will be lost. Be brutally honest about it with him that you don’t think he will like it. If he insists then he has to live with the consequences if he changes his mind. By then he will be 14 so I think that is fair enough. If your ex went to court about it, the court would allow the child’s views to be decisive most of the time at this age.

Re the debts - have you phoned Stepchange? It might be that entering into an IVA is the answer for you. And I think Surviving Economic Abuse can also give you support too.

I sympathise on the feelings of dread. I've been divorced 10 years and I still have nightmares about my exH. I still can't hear his voice. Have you tried counselling? It has helped me a lot.

On the job front, have you spoken to your line manager about what they're asking you to do? Or HR? Can they provide you with some training?

And in relation to your 13 yo - I think you probably have to let him go.

Not much to add that hasn't already been said. If it were me I would let 13yr old trial staying with his dad (maybe at weekends and a couple of weeks over school hols?). Your understandable misgivings are falling on deaf ears and he won't get it until he's experienced the reality for himself. Tell him he will always have a home with you and can come back anytime if it doesn't work out.

Keep your head up and keep going, the ex is gone and you can get through this.

Just make sure you always leave the door open for DS.

Perhaps suggest to DS to do 50/50 now and if he still wants to live there more then you can arrange it after Xmas.

DS is struggling and you have too much going on right now to add this to it.

Do you have other kids?

How much do you get paid in your current role?

How long have you been there and have you spoken to them about doing things that aren’t in your job description?

Then his dad screams in his face without you being there. If it’s bad enough, he asks if he can move back to you. Which is fine but he won’t be in his old school and will likely be in a not so good other one. A man screaming at a teen isn’t ideal but it’s also not the worst example of parenting I’ve heard of and in a year or so, your DS will likely match him for size.

Then his dad screams in his face without you being there. If it’s bad enough, he asks if he can move back to you. Which is fine but he won’t be in his old school and will likely be in a not so good other one. A man screaming at a teen isn’t ideal but it’s also not the worst example of parenting I’ve heard of and in a year or so, your DS will likely match him for size.

This.

If your son is making your life a misery and things his dad is amazing, he needs to go and live there and find out the reality for himself.

this sounds horrible and I can absolutely see how it feels like a groundhog day scenario.

For me - I have to do practical things - so you have three key worries and two of them at least you can probably take positive steps ib

1. Job - I wouldn't try and do a big change like cybersecurity training at the moment if I were you - yes there are things you can train for that earn good salaries but there's no guarantee you'll have an aptitude for them and no guarantee in the jobs market at the moment so I would avoid specialising too much. Your current employer sounds horrible so I would focus on trying to find a nicer version of what you currently do initially, if possible. Then you can be confident that you can do the role and will have one area of your life where you are happy and stress free for 40 hours a week. There are a lot of free online courses at https://freecoursesinengland.co.uk/free-courses-1/ which will make you more confident in what you do and more desirable as an employee - and to help stop the immediate criticism of your canva skills there are also courses either in using Canva or in basic design principals (check coursera) . No you shouldn't have to but if it gives you confidence to tell them to feck off then why not?
2. Money - it sounds like you only owe the school and have already done the right things and talked to them - could you go back and say you absolutely appreciate their help but even the current payment is causing issues, can it be reduced again with a firm date to review with a view to reinstating higher payments? Ask for a year on lower. The reality is if they refuse and you stop paying entirely they'll be worse off so they should agree
3. Teenagers - harder - can you ask your older children to help, get them to choose a film he would love to watch and all have a movie night which he can join or not join as he chooses? Family tickets to somewhere he would actually like to go? To be honest when I was 13 I didn't want to do anything with my parents either, and there's nothing you can directly do to compete with the (presumed) promise of no rules and chips for dinner every night at his dads, so best advice may be don't take it to heart too much and just keep being his mum, hard as that sounds right now.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes I'm so sorry for what your STBX put you through (and still does). I totally understand how you feel so overwhelmed and it must be infuriating beyond belief to be paying off £22k in unpaid school fees simply because he didn't and won't (I'd want to kill him for this alone!). I've only read your posts so forgive me if someone else has highlighted this, but you wrote in your first post "I wouldn’t mind but these debts are not my doing. But because we were married, I too am liable." This is not true. You are never liable for your spouse's debts incurred in their sole name just because you're married to them. You are only jointly (and often, severally) liable because you were a joint signatory in your own right on the agreement (as you clearly were for your DCs school fees).
Are you currently in debt that you can't afford to service? (Presumably you have some sort of repayment plan for the school fees?). If you're struggling to keep your head above water, may I suggest you contact one of the free debt charities (StepChange, PayPlan, National Debtline and Citizens Advice) for advice - depending on your income and total debt you may be eligible for an IVA or a DRO and may even be able to have some, if not all, of your debt written off. I think if you could get your money worries under control - if not totally solved - you would feel more in control generally (and less like your STBX has the power to re-victimise you every day). Some info: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/help-with-debt/dealing-with-your-debts/check-your-debt-options/
Your 13yr old DS may want to go and live with your STBX, but how does your STBX feel about this? Have you discussed the possibility with him? (He may say No outright, which would solve the problem as it would no longer be you telling your DS that he can't, but his father refusing to have him.)
Finally, I don't think you say in your posts how long you've been in your current job. If it's more than two years you may want to think carefully about leaving it for a new job as with more than two years' continuous service you have full employment rights e.g. protection from unfair dismissal not involving discrimination (which is a Day One right) and redundancy pay, but with fewer than this you don't (this two-year rule is due to be replaced by a shorter statutory probation period as part of the new Employment Rights Bill, but not for another year or two).
I think, considering you're taking care of four DC and holding down a job, you have more resilience than you give yourself credit for, but very best of luck with however you choose to move forward.

My current role I get €3.3k pcm. I have been there since March 2023. I like the team but it’s a dead end job really.

I don’t live in U.K. so 50/50 with ds13 is not feasible. We are all British though with dual nationality apart from exh.

Maybe I should move back to the U.K. with the dcs. There seems to be an awful lot available in terms of training and courses.

I can always move back to mainland Europe when dcs have left home. Especially if I can retrain in some of those free courses.

You've survived OP - like a shipwreck survivor you're picking through washed up debris trying to create a new environment.

Every day will be a challenge but truly the worst is over. You've made it to safety by your own efforts and will, so take a few moments every day to remind yourself of that.

Oh, OP. I am sorry for you. I know what it's like to feel as if your whole life's a mess - I also had an abusive marriage - and I'm here to offer you a hand-hold.

Maybe it's common for abusive relationships to make you feel like this. After all, they manage to affect your life from the inside, don't they, from the most intimate parts of your life, and then it spreads outwards to affect the rest of your life. As opposed to, say, a job loss, which is an external thing.

Make a list of things you can do to improve things, and things you have no control over, like your ex.

I don’t live in U.K. so 50/50 with ds13 is not feasible. We are all British though with dual nationality apart from exh.

Sorry I missed this.

So did dad move away or did you move away with the kids?

Him not being near his dad is definitely going to make him want to see him more.
Chances are if they lived close by he wouldn’t want to live with him so much.

For now focus on DS seeing him all school holidays and as many weekends as possible.

Be open with DS about you being worried about him moving countries and school etc (don’t be negative about his dad) and that you’ll do what you can to help him see him as much as possible and that you’ll try and come up with a plan to live closer to ex.

Him living with his dad isn’t the worst thing in the world - it would stop any resent towards you but also give you chance to focus on your career.
You just need to make sure it’s actually what DS wants and he’s not just saying it out of hurt and so starting with all of the holidays etc will help.

You have a plan in place to clear the debt, you are no longer accruing toxic debt so tick that one off. To the job; £3.3k isn’t half bad for a job where you like the team, and you’ve obviously passed probation so you are quite protected. The dc13 is a stress, I can understand that. I would find a quiet moment and lay everything on the table calmly with him. Explain rationally about his dad, his temper etc. 13 is old enough to hear it all…but stay calm. Ultimately you can’t nail his feet to the floor. To you!! Abd this is the area you’ll need to work at most, and prioritise. You clearly have PTSD/trauma. You’re not used to putting yourself first clearly, but any improvement in your mood or outlook will HAVE to come from within. Start small…a walk, a run, a chat, cold water therapy/sauna, journaling…low cost self esteem boosts. And build up. It’s small, consistent steps everyday. You may have to adopt a stoic approach to dc13.

If you can, I’d be looking at removing them from private school. Your ex isn’t contributing so even though the school has agreed on an ‘affordable’ payment plan, you’re still struggling each month. Think how much more comfortable you’d be without those fees each month.

As for the job, websites like coursera or even just YouTube offer canva tutorials. Obviously look into a new job at the same time but bear in mind the job market is ridiculously competitive right now.

Your DS is being a typical teenager, thinks he knows it all and is rebelling because he’s struggling with the situation. He clearly needs support but also needs to understand the gravity of his dad’s actions so he drops the pedestal.

Kids are not in private school. I took them out three years ago.

How far is your current role from cyber? I think you need to look at current skill sets and pivot from there. Yes. You can learn. But you'll also need some sort of experience- so if your current company has those roles, maybe move sideways, get experience and then move onto another company after experience? (Or stay if you enjoy it ...).

Are all 4 kids at home? Do you have time for a side hustle to add interest?

Re the 22k debt. You have a plan with the school. This will get paid off - even if slowly. It's done. No need to stress about it and get angry cause it's done. And yes ex is an arse for it.

I would focus on learning more about investing and finances. That's a big part of the stress and understanding about this is key.

Woah OP you sound amazing- what an inspiration you are. You deserve to feel better- you have achieved so much in getting away from an appalling situation. You should, rightfully, feel like a hero-because that is what you are. However instead you are left with a feeling of constant dread. I know you say there is no point in medication since the root of the situation is a real problem- but on the other hand- if your leg had been chewed off (for instance)- you wouldn’t be saying ‘well of course it’s going to hurt- it’s been chewed off!’
I think you should do yourself a favour and get something prescribed to take the edge off all this, so you can truly appreciate what a goddess you are and what you have achieved.