Every morning I wake up with dread.

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

It is horrible. My dreams are full of worry and scenarios that are familiar in rl or that I think will happen. It is like I am in constant dread for my present life and for the future possibilities. No relief at all.

I only expect disaster and trouble because that is what life with my ex was like for the last 9 years of our 22 year relationship. I am separated from stbxh for three years.

He financially ruined us. He was also adulterous. Verbally, financially and occasionally physically abusive.

I work, 4 dcs. Youngest is 13.

I hate my job. I’m crap at it. They ask me to do stuff like create things in Canva and then tear it apart. Job description does not have creative design in it. I need to retrain and get better job but I do not know which way to turn.

I constantly worry about money. Ex left me with debt that I did not know he was racking up. Every month I worry and fret about bills and paying off these debts.

My 13 year old adores him. He is however, unpleasant to me. Surly, full of contempt and never wants to do anything with me. He wants to live with ex and when ex visits him, is really chatty and wants to do stuff with him. Never me. Not even watch a film together. In fact, he is adamant in telling his dad we never do stuff together.

I know he wants to and is going to live with his dad. Except I think that would be a big mistake as I don’t think his dad is mentally stable enough so I will try to fight that. Not least because ds13 would lose his school place here and would be very unlikely to get it back if he changed his mind. But I doubt there is nothing I can do about it ultimately. My other dcs think ds13 is mad to want to live with his dad. But he doesn’t care.

I feel overwhelmed and anxious all the time. Money worries and my youngest son wanting to live with his dad and my future. I am 54 and it feels like it’s game over. Poverty and anxiety. I wouldn’t mind but these debts are not my doing. But because we were married, I too am liable. I am pissed off that I was tricked like this. He would scream in my face if I made enquiries about the money situation.

Taking medication is not going to take away the source of my dread. I reminisce to the 1900s before I met my ex and when I was free of this awful feeling. I just cannot imagine happiness or freedom from the dark constant worry.

I just wish I were more spirited or entrepreneurial but I just can’t see a way out.

You can start hrt at any age and benefit from it.

So you're not in Europe or UK. Big drip feed op and some very knowledgeable people have given you advice which was a waste of their time. Anyway...do you have employment protection where you are? Does 2 years+ in post give you any rights?

I’ve had a thought about your 13yr old. A work colleague lives 200 miles from her ex. Her son too preferred to be with his father which she was extremely reluctant about. She took her son to a solicitors who specialised with the interest of the child and not the parents. After all when this happened the child isn’t bouncing the parents off each other and the parent is then obliged by the court to agree to the terms of care.
(This could then show that the father doesn’t actually want his son living with him).

In this case her son did live with his father and after a year went back to court to confirm his decision.
Ironically he now lives with his stepbrother working for his stepfather nearby in the family business.

As much as you may not like the idea to stop a lifetime of feuding with your son, you may have to go back to the courts

Can you tell us what tasks you have to do in Canva and we can provide some easy how to notes for you that tell you what to do step by step? That’s would take the pressure off at work and there is surely someone on here who knows canva.

This is really interesting. I am post menopause and even though I am reacting to valid worries, I wonder if part of the intensity of my feelings is because of menopause. I do not take HRT

I am in Europe.

Apologies. I’m not on it.

Calling a literal child who sounds like he's been through witnessing his dad physically and emotionally abusing his mum as well as being abused himself an "abusive male" is absolute crazy talk.

He may be acting out but he's doing it because of what he's gone through - he's a child, and just as much of a victim as his mother and siblings.

My mistake then, sorry. It was because you said we can move back to mainland Europe that my brain went straight to you being out of Europe.

Ask your son the hard questions.

ask him if he remembers how he screamed at HIM? Ask him what is he going to do when that happens again? Ask him if he has forgotten that his father has that side. Give him a lot to think about. Make him fully aware what choices he is making. He will continue to be awful to you in any case, but at least you know he will live with his choices.

You're not wrong but why should the op put up with another angry, abusive male in the house who can physically intimidate her.

What are bankruptcy laws like where you live? And tell your son if he's so unhappy living with you that he's abusing you then it would be best all round if he trialled living with his Dad for a bit.

I wouldn’t go into any detail about the screaming. It won’t end well if you badmouth the other parent. Just tell him about the school and say he’s welcome back if it doesn’t work out (but it won’t be the same school).

I honestly feel for the OP. It’s hard with the other parent being an abusive narcissist because they do brainwash the kids. My mums friend was married to one. Divorced and he didn’t bother with the kids really - she did it all and sacrificed so much. Supported them financially and emotionally. Yet as adults they’ve both gone NC with her but are best buds with her ex husband. He’s swooped in, told them lies about not being allowed to see them as kids (he literally couldn’t be bothered but has told them he went to court etc), given them lots of money for house deposits and they’ve just fallen for it hook line and sinker. These people are so manipulative. Thats why I think let him go to his dad’s. That way the son can never say his mum stopped him from living with him.

This does sound like financial/economic abuse which you suffered for years while married and which you are still suffering. No wonder you are having such trouble. You could contact the Financial Support Line run by Money Advice Plus- it is free and you can call on 0808 196 8845. It is open 9-5pm on weekdays. It might take a while to get though but they specialize in financial abuse and the impact of it and really know thier way around the system so might be able to help you with some of the specific loans etc.

It could help to connect with other survivors of domestic abuse or domestic abuse support services too, to give you somewhere to be heard, and it is possible they could help you with some of the practical side too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this — you’ve been through so much, it’s no wonder you feel drained and anxious. You’re not weak; you’ve just been carrying a huge load for a long time.
Try to focus on one thing at a time — maybe start with some free debt advice. It can make things feel a bit more manageable.
Your son’s behaviour is painful, but teenagers often push away the parent they feel safest with. It won’t always be like this. You’ve held everything together through an awful lot — that strength will help you rebuild, even if it feels impossible right now.

So we should never talk about what happened? To me and to him? Even though it’s the truth?

Guildford321

So you're not in Europe or UK. Big drip feed op and some very knowledgeable people have given you advice which was a waste of their time. Anyway...do you have employment protection where you are? Does 2 years+ in post give you any rights?

If posting on a forum wastes enough time for it to bother someone they honestly need to look at their life. The op doesn’t need someone making them feel bad

Lawyer, Medic, Accountant, Engineer, Teacher.

Maybe i should start a bookkeeping training. And digital marketing. They’re all on UDEMY

Prioritise the problems, then tackle them in order.
Only worry about one thing at a time.

e.g. you might prioritise sorting DS13 first, so put all the rest out of your mind.

Then when that situation is clearer and a bit more settled (even if only temporarily "settled"), tackle the debt situation. Get advice as to what is legally yours to pay. Is the divorce settled yet? If not, that comes first, before looking at the debts.

Meanwhile, just do the bare minimum at work to avoid getting sacked. No need to try and be a good employee or "do well".
Getting sacked for poor performance can be a long and tiresome process, with several stages of reviews and plans etc. (if the employer does it by the book), so just don't sweat it - do the basics and let the employer deal with the situation.
Either you will go through the long process, or way before it gets to that stage you will have found another job. Either way, there is no need to worry about it now. It is bottom of the list of things to worry about.

That sounds really tough, and honestly, no wonder you’re feeling so low — you’ve had so much to deal with. You’re doing your best just to keep things going, even when it feels impossible. Maybe try to take things one small step at a time instead of looking at everything at once. You’ve already got through so much; you’re stronger than you think.

No wonder he wants to live with his dad.
He is a Disney dad - doing all of the fun things.

I would tell him that you don’t want for him to change schools and hate the new school and so for now he needs to carry on seeing his dad during the holidays and try and finish in the school he’s in now as he only has a couple more years.

Tell him that it may be difficult for his dad to have him full time but if this is what he wants then perhaps you and his dad can look into it for next September.

The more you tell him that he can’t live with his dad, the more he’s going to want to.

Speak to your employer about struggling and if there’s other tasks you can do instead.

Have a think about what career you might want to do and what doesn’t mean lots of training and low pay at the start.

Just seen that the divorce settlement is done.
So for the debts - you contact all the people you legally owe money to and make them an offer of X amount per month, X being a low amount. The total of all the X amounts to all the creditors should be about 5-10% of your income: it has to be a very manageable amount that you will never fail to pay.
IMHO - I am not a debt expert and it may depend which country you are in and which country the creditor is in.

Their choice will be to accept the X amount or take you to court (which by the way is nothing to be afraid of or ashamed about). Chances are they won't take you to court as it will cost them legal fees with not much hope of getting any more from you.
It is impossible to get blood out of a stone. If you can't pay, you can't pay. Just offer a small X to show you are engaging and doing your best. Then set up a standing order to each creditor for the agreed X, and job done, put it out of your mind.

Why don’t you suggest he spends most the summer with his Dad - that should be enough time for reality to set in? I get you don’t want your 13 year old to be subject to your Ex but you can’t prevent it for ever so doing it in a controlled manner where he can come back naturally having realised it’s not great seems more sensible.

I feel better already. Thnak you so so so much for all your support and insights. Not so alone. Thank you.