Every morning I wake up with dread.

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

It is horrible. My dreams are full of worry and scenarios that are familiar in rl or that I think will happen. It is like I am in constant dread for my present life and for the future possibilities. No relief at all.

I only expect disaster and trouble because that is what life with my ex was like for the last 9 years of our 22 year relationship. I am separated from stbxh for three years.

He financially ruined us. He was also adulterous. Verbally, financially and occasionally physically abusive.

I work, 4 dcs. Youngest is 13.

I hate my job. I’m crap at it. They ask me to do stuff like create things in Canva and then tear it apart. Job description does not have creative design in it. I need to retrain and get better job but I do not know which way to turn.

I constantly worry about money. Ex left me with debt that I did not know he was racking up. Every month I worry and fret about bills and paying off these debts.

My 13 year old adores him. He is however, unpleasant to me. Surly, full of contempt and never wants to do anything with me. He wants to live with ex and when ex visits him, is really chatty and wants to do stuff with him. Never me. Not even watch a film together. In fact, he is adamant in telling his dad we never do stuff together.

I know he wants to and is going to live with his dad. Except I think that would be a big mistake as I don’t think his dad is mentally stable enough so I will try to fight that. Not least because ds13 would lose his school place here and would be very unlikely to get it back if he changed his mind. But I doubt there is nothing I can do about it ultimately. My other dcs think ds13 is mad to want to live with his dad. But he doesn’t care.

I feel overwhelmed and anxious all the time. Money worries and my youngest son wanting to live with his dad and my future. I am 54 and it feels like it’s game over. Poverty and anxiety. I wouldn’t mind but these debts are not my doing. But because we were married, I too am liable. I am pissed off that I was tricked like this. He would scream in my face if I made enquiries about the money situation.

Taking medication is not going to take away the source of my dread. I reminisce to the 1900s before I met my ex and when I was free of this awful feeling. I just cannot imagine happiness or freedom from the dark constant worry.

I just wish I were more spirited or entrepreneurial but I just can’t see a way out.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes Ah, ignore my post - I now see from your TWELFTH post that you don't live in the UK! (Bit of a drip-feed OP.)

Others have given far better advice but I just wondered about one small thing. I have no idea what Canva is, but how can you get better at it to improve your confidence? YouTube videos? Practise for an hour at the weekend? Maybe somebody here knows about it. I hate that you are feeling so stressed about this work stuff on top of everything and wonder if there is a way to improve?

Medication won't remove the source of your dread, but it will absolutely help you to feel better with the reality you are in now.

Obviously, fix or improve what you can. Practice self care as much as you are able. But do really look into medication too, it's life changing and one thing that's easy to sort.

Sorry but what do you mean ‘the professions?’

OP it is no wonder you feel as you do, it sounds totally overwhelming.
Please stop looking at the big picture and just concentrate on changing one are of your life which causes the most stress.
If you work for a large organisation look at other roles you could do and apply for internally.
Do you have an employee assistance programme, if you do contact them for support.
Speak to your manager about how you are feeling to see if you could let go of certain responsibilities you don't enjoy and take on something else work wise.
I agree with other posters about letting your son go to live with his Dad, as it will go two ways. He will either realise the grass isn't greener and return with a different perspective or he will stay with his Dad and get on with it and be happier, either way it is a win.
Good luck OP I feel for you, I think you need a mix of counselling and anti anxiety medication and I speak from a place of experience (it does help) x

Are you taking HRT? I understand that the root cause of your MH issues is what you have been through, but lack of Oestrogen severely exacerbates and increases symptoms. I became a flat, emotionless, anxiety-fuelled, catastrophising mess during peri & Menopause. Large amounts of HRT has completely reversed this.

I think you sound absolutely amazing - brave and persevering, with your kids' best interests at the centre of everything you do. I'd be proud to have you as a friend and I'm sure lots of women would feel that way (if only they had time in their lives for friends!). You have been given lots of good advice. It sounds very much like you are always doing the right thing - the rewards of that may not come quickly, but they do come over time, so keep on following your instincts which to me sound spot on. Have faith that things will get better and stay strong.

You sound utterly worn down OP. Can you go to the GP and explain how low you are, get some bloods just to check your basics (when I'm depressed I don't eat well and that can have knock on effects) and see if there is anything they can do? I think that getting your health and mind back on track are the things that will bring the biggest change for you, give you more energy and hope.

A friend is in that area and I would say if you’re already under pressure and stressed this will make you more vulnerable.
The job nearly killed him, was in hospital this year for four months.

Nursing would be less stressful!

hi @SugarPlumpFairyCakes - I just came on here to say the exact same thing as @herbetta.
When I was a bit younger I had quite a big job and I was a completely loan parent.

I used to look at these powerful women in the news and could not get my head around how they were coping. I was so fearful and worried about everything. I was in a constant state of dread.. There wasn’t a lot of info on menopause and I certainly hadn’t heard of peri. After about 5 tricky years, I eventually went on HRT. Once I found the right one for me I started to feel so much better. I slept better and was a little calmer inside.
This just gave me a bit of headspace to practise a bit more self care (I used to do a bit of meditating in the morning to calm, focus and get gratitude).

I just found gradually I had the energy and focus to start solving problems.

You are coping with so so much. It’s understandable but it can and will be overcome.

(re the criticism of your design work or content. Please try to understand that this is never personal. Try and see it as someone trying to improve a visual/ company message and when it’s right, it will bring success to the company or team… and maybe more fees/ revenue. Professional design type criticism should always be acted on, taken as a learning for your future and never taken personally- it’s really not aimed at you).

Have you considered the possibility that you could have ptsd?

From a safeguarding perspective you are absolutely right not to let your 13yo live with his father. A father who you know has been abusive to him in the past - screaming in his face etc, and being abusive to his mother. In the absence of a partner to take things out on, your DS would almost certainly become the recipient of heightened abuse. Those saying tell him it's his choice and he'd have to live with the consequences are ridiculous! He's a CHILD!!! A child whose childhood has been spent in a home full of abuse.
OP you are doing fantastically well to claw your family out of that misery.
Edit spelling

Have a look at your local council for bootcamps. It can take up to 5 years to be fully qualified in cyber security but it depends how far you want to go with it.

I don't have a lot of advice because I haven't been in your position. However, in relation to your youngest child I do.

When my parents divorced I stayed with my mum. I missed my dad like crazy and was always desperate to go to see him. Eventually, I went to live with him.

It was awful. Beyond awful. I'd had a good relationship with him until I lived with him so it was completely unexpected. I think I was there about 6 months and then I went back to my mum. She was living somewhere unsuitable for two people but TBH it was still preferable. I never missed my dad again after that.

I think you probably need to let your son try it. He'll soon realise his mistake. And it might improve his attitude towards you. Of course, it might not. He's a teenager. They can be arses at the best of times.

me too. And I didn't realise because I had no other symptoms of menopause. But I think it exacerbated all the anxiety and flatness that I was feeling (justifiably) from my life.

Your son needs to find out for himself what a massive POS his father is.

You need to let go.

Don’t want to derail but wondering if HRT might help my middle of the night panic attacks. I am through menopause (am 54) so assumed no point in HRT but am taking heavy duty beta blockers for anxiety and would rather not.

I can relate to your post, albeit for different reasons. I would regularly wake up actually crying.
These things helped.
Looking after myself physically. So eating good healthy foods, doing the required amount of exercising and prioritising rest where I could. High stress takes a physical toll and we need to do physical things to repair and recover.
Vit D supplements.
A big glass of water first thing. Morning dread is made worse by overnight dehydration.
Obviously these things won't remove your problems, so I'd also suggest you contact citizens advice or step change for debt advice.
Job wise, I'd schedule a meeting with your line manager to discuss your job overall. They have a responsibility to support and train you to improve your performance if required. Constant criticism without any plans on place to address the issue is poor management, so they are failing you here.

This is what I mean. I think of something and then there’s always a ,”Don’t do it!”

It is hard to think of a way out professionally to a better place.

I have felt exactly like you; slightly different single parent/ex scenario, but mentally and emotionally trapped, crying all the time; no hope; narcissistic bullying exH, best friend forever died with cancer. I stopped being interested in my dogs, who were a HUGE indicator my life was spiralling. I could not walk into my GP's surgery and admit this, but I did manage one day to pick up the phone and tell the receptionist. From there, I was put on Sertraline. Absolute game changer - it gave me (and most importantly my children) my life back. I'm not sure I would be here without that drug - and like you - I didn't want to take medication. It's a rough ride for any SSRI/SRNI for a couple of weeks, but when you get the dose right, they can be a life saver. Please try.

Sending you a hug @abracadabra1980, can totally relate xx

I would absolutely make him go. He's going to be a big strong teenage lad with a bad temper, domestic abuse in his upbringing and no respect for you. He will try to physically intimidate you and worse. You shouldn't be a prisoner I your own home. You've done really well to escape one man. Don't allow another in to your home. I'd pack his bag for him and drive him there.
On a separate note, how much do you need to earn? That'll help with figuring out your job opportunities.

I absolutely here you, I have been feeling like you for so long, it is crippling
the worries about money mean I fear every knock at the door or phone call, some days I am physically sick with the fear
i am so ashamed of the mess that I’m in that I have cut myself off from a lot of old friends

I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years, I was so used to living in constant fight or flight, I don’t actually know how to function normally anymore

i too am 54, and have a light at the end of the tunnel in taking 25% of my pensions tax free at 55. Do you know if you have any pensions? Sometimes you may have them from long ago jobs and you don’t even realise

even though I know I have a solution I cannot shake the constant fear and crippling anxiety, maybe it will feel better when it actually happens

Op would you consider letting him stay with his dad school hols ?

Your 13 yo will maybe realise very very quickly that it's better with you. That way he doesn't lose his school place either

He does this already. He loves it. His dad earns a lot of money. A flexible job. Takes him to all sorts of lovely activities.