Every morning I wake up with dread.

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

It is horrible. My dreams are full of worry and scenarios that are familiar in rl or that I think will happen. It is like I am in constant dread for my present life and for the future possibilities. No relief at all.

I only expect disaster and trouble because that is what life with my ex was like for the last 9 years of our 22 year relationship. I am separated from stbxh for three years.

He financially ruined us. He was also adulterous. Verbally, financially and occasionally physically abusive.

I work, 4 dcs. Youngest is 13.

I hate my job. I’m crap at it. They ask me to do stuff like create things in Canva and then tear it apart. Job description does not have creative design in it. I need to retrain and get better job but I do not know which way to turn.

I constantly worry about money. Ex left me with debt that I did not know he was racking up. Every month I worry and fret about bills and paying off these debts.

My 13 year old adores him. He is however, unpleasant to me. Surly, full of contempt and never wants to do anything with me. He wants to live with ex and when ex visits him, is really chatty and wants to do stuff with him. Never me. Not even watch a film together. In fact, he is adamant in telling his dad we never do stuff together.

I know he wants to and is going to live with his dad. Except I think that would be a big mistake as I don’t think his dad is mentally stable enough so I will try to fight that. Not least because ds13 would lose his school place here and would be very unlikely to get it back if he changed his mind. But I doubt there is nothing I can do about it ultimately. My other dcs think ds13 is mad to want to live with his dad. But he doesn’t care.

I feel overwhelmed and anxious all the time. Money worries and my youngest son wanting to live with his dad and my future. I am 54 and it feels like it’s game over. Poverty and anxiety. I wouldn’t mind but these debts are not my doing. But because we were married, I too am liable. I am pissed off that I was tricked like this. He would scream in my face if I made enquiries about the money situation.

Taking medication is not going to take away the source of my dread. I reminisce to the 1900s before I met my ex and when I was free of this awful feeling. I just cannot imagine happiness or freedom from the dark constant worry.

I just wish I were more spirited or entrepreneurial but I just can’t see a way out.

It isn't about "making them (OP) feel bad" - it's about providing constructive feedback on how the OP has laid out their issue to ensure they get helpful responses to their thread. The majority of MN users will assume, rightly or wrongly, that an OP is based in the UK, unless they state otherwise, and give practical advice regarding organisations that OP can turn to for support that only operate in the UK - this advice isn't just a waste of the PP's time in providing it, but also a total waste of OP's time reading it because she can't use it when she lives in mainland Europe and not the UK (which she didn't reveal until her twelfth post). OP has accepted she should have made it clear from the start that she's not resident in the UK.

I'm afraid this is poor advice (as was your immediate prior post) and it's quite clear you're no debt expert.
A debt expert wouldn't give OP any advice at all without exploring her entire financial situation (income, assets, outgoings, debts) to enable them to identify the debt solutions available to her i.e. those she's eligible for (in the UK the five debt solutions all have different eligibility rules). And for all we know, OP may be a homeowner and with a large value asset to her name her creditors would most definitely pursue her for repayment (and if that were through the courts OP would be required to provide a financial statement for the judge to decide - and order - how much she can afford to repay each creditor). In England and Wales a Breathing Space moratorium is available to some debtors - maybe they have a similar debt respite scheme in the EU, but we don't know.
The best advice OP can be given is to contact a free debt advice charity locally, assuming such organisations exist in the European country she lives in, for personalised advice.

I assumed OP was not a home owner, because ExH sold the family home and the money vanished.
The advice I gave was to offer a small amount to each creditor so that they likely wouldn't go to court. This is to stave off any legal action for now. Better than doing nothing and not contacting the creditors.
Of course, if it ends up in court, formal rules for different options would apply, and the judge would make the decisions.

Totally agree that the OP should get proper debt advice for the relevant countries.

AngelicKaty

well using the term ‘wasting their time’ to someone whose having a tough time isn’t going to help is it?!

If your children ask about it and want to talk about it, then yes. Otherwise no, although getting him some therapy might be helpful. It sounds like this boy has taken the dad’s side at the moment. He won’t respond well to you pointing out the truth about how his dad was abusive and he may even start justifying in his head. I have been the child of an abusive parent and it’s an awful position to be in. You have a deep and strong sense of loyalty mixed with the knowledge that they treated you or others badly. As a teen that is especially hard to handle. The absolute last thing I wanted was to have my other parent say how abusive he was (and bearing in mind he was telling me my other parent would bad-mouth him so it confirmed that). Speak to your friends or other adults about what a shit your ex was, not your kids.

As I previously wrote:
It isn't about "making them (OP) feel bad" - it's about providing constructive feedback on how the OP has laid out their issue to ensure they get helpful responses to their thread. The majority of MN users will assume, rightly or wrongly, that an OP is based in the UK, unless they state otherwise, and give practical advice regarding organisations that OP can turn to for support that only operate in the UK - this advice isn't just a waste of the PP's time in providing it, but also a total waste of OP's time reading it because she can't use it when she lives in mainland Europe and not the UK (which she didn't reveal until her twelfth post). OP has accepted she should have made it clear from the start that she's not resident in the UK.

Like I said, poor advice - and unfortunately repeating it doesn't make it any better.

If your 13yo wants to live with his dad, let him. Your relationship could be wrecked even more otherwise.
Can you talk to someone about your feelings of dread, get some medical help and debt advice?
You're away from your ex now so he can't do anything else to you unless you let him. Onwards and upwards OP, you've done well to get away from him and you'll find a better job eventually. You sound tough and determined, you can do it, so don't give up.
In the meantime are your other kids of an age where they can contribute a bit of money to the house? Can you take on some additional casual work at all? It could lead to something else, you never know.

AngelicKaty

tat poster told the op she was wasting people’s time. I just don’t think people need to be so direct

What do you think he will do to your son? Will he just shout or will he be violent? Did he lose his temper with all the children when you all lived together?

Your son's treatment of you is horrible and I do feel that he needs a wake up call. As long as your ex-husband isn't physically violent to him, he will hopefully realise that you are a much better parent than his dad and will ask to come back and live with you with a, hopefully, much better attitude.

Maybe he needs to see that to stop idolising him and start respecting you and that could be making of this child.

He’s already seen it. i am worried because I know what my ex is like.

im not sure it’s a lesson ds13 needs to learn as it’s a harsh lesson without any get out.

Plus ex would probably move his gf in as well which would not make ds13 happy at all.

DS20 moved over to move in with his dad when he was 18. He said he found it disturbing. His dad would have manic behaviour, he said. DS20 is a big lad and isn’t intimidated by his dad anymore but he found it troubling. And ex also moved his then gf in without telling ds20. So ds20 came home to where I live.

Your priority is to be the best mum to your DS but maybe in this case it means letting him make his own decision (and possibly his own mistake?). He’s almost of an age when the courts would let him decide anyway.

So Ds13 recorded ex being particularly verbally vicious to him. It’s painful to hear his trembling breath. Even with this experience, he seems to and adore his dad.

And he really has no time for me. Maybe because he saw me in the same fearful state. He now thinks I am weak and pathetic? Ex was a lot more vicious and physically abusive to me. Some was witnessed by the DCs.

I was unnecessarily blunt, I agree. Apologies to the op. I'm not in the habit of kicking someone when they're down. You're definitely not wasting anyone's time op. Not at all. It's just helpful to provide key info so that you can get the best possible advice.

He’ll just be trying to survive his childhood. And that might mean he needs to appease dad and not trust mum to keep him safe. My concern at the moment is what kind of man you’re raising. Is it one who respects the women in his life?

No he doesn’t respect me or his sister. But I think that’s teenage years.

He respects his dad and his dad’s gfs. There have been a few!

I think I will just back off, be steady in the background. I don’t have to accept his disrespect and will flag it up as unacceptable.