To have a fourth baby at 42?

[autumnnightsaredrawingin]

I know no one can really answer this, but I’m driving myself mad. Have 3 kids. Two teenagers and one toddler. I will be 42 next year. Generally fit and well although am overweight (considerably). I can’t get the idea of having a 4th out of my head, partly to give my little one a sibling closer in age but also I just don’t feel I’m ’done’ yet. BUT. I just don’t know if it’s pushing our luck at my age. Pregnancies generally straightforward but have had 3 c sections. Arghh. I don’t know. I’d want to lose some weight first and my cut off would be having the baby before I turned 43 so if getting pregnant hadn’t happened by 42 and a couple of months I’d give up the idea. Is it a stupid idea?

YABU = forget it, it’s too risky and you have 3 kids
YANBU = it’s not off the table, why not try?

Lots of increased risks but it’s up to you, no one else can say.

Considerably overweight and 42 puts you at risk during pregnancy. I’d think about my existing kids first, tbh.

How realistic is it that you will loose the weight in time?

And the three sections

I've had 4 c sections (on medical advice) so I wouldn't let that be an issue.

Multiple cs are recommended against as the scar tissue can lead to complications. Three is the desired max really.

Go for it before it’s too late . Who cares what others think , if you have the finances , the room and the love go for it

How chill is your toddler? 2 toddlers is a lot more to manage than one when you're trying to do things with your older children. We have 4, with a gap in-between 2 and 3 but a smaller gap than teens, I was more than 10 years younger than you are and no c sections. There are lovely parts to it, but also challenges too- your older kids still need you for lots and it's harder to bring 2 little ones everywhere so sometimes ends up less family time because parents have to do some each

Thanks all. Mixed responses as expected. The toddler would be 4 by the time I had the baby, if I got pregnant early ish next year.

YABU 3 is more than enough.. enjoy what you have

That’s assuming you can

Quit while you are ahead.

You’re already thinking about your health, which is great. What about time and finances? Will you need to cut back on anything for your current children if you have a fourth, for example?

I thought that I wanted four children, but realized that four would really stretch us financially and time-wise. So I ignored the urge!

When your child is 40 you’ll be 82. Do you think it’s fair that they should be burdened with (probably) looking after you when they’re still very much of working age and trying to raise their own family?

We were 40 and 46 when our youngest appeared, completely unexpectedly .
He’s 22 now and buying his own home, with our help …🤷‍♀️

(We’ve also had the sense to provide for our old age too ….)

Wouldn’t her other kids also be looking after her??

OP what happens if you have a child with a disability (which could happen given increased risk).

I would just focus on the wonderful kids you have. It's not really fair on the teenagers at the point. I can say that having been in the teens position, having a pregnant parent takes a lot away from your own growth & stage of life. The little one doesn't need another sibling.

I’m honestly not being horrible. No one thinks of the child's future. My partner is 40 and has an elderly mother who is now in poor health. He has a stressful job and is pulling his hair out because his mum needs him so much more now. It’s hard for him. You’ve said you’re overweight, so you could be in poor health later on. Lose the weight anyway and be the healthiest you can be for your 3 children.

You aren’t healthy if you’re 41 and considerably overweight. Shift all the weight and have a full health check and then think about it.

I'm sorry but your pregnancy would be so high risk considering everything you've pointed out and also are you prepared for the very real possibility that you could have a child with some kind of disability? I think you should focus on the 3 you already have as a fourth could end up really affecting their lives and not necessarily in a good way

I would not in your situation.

The teen years can be really tough. For many parents it is the absolute toughest time. Even if yours have been easy so far that may change. I would focus my energy on getting them through those years.

Plus your age and your weight also count against you.

Go for it, I know plenty of people who have had kids at this age.

My mum had me at 40. She made sure it was minimally burdensome - she kept herself fit and active, and she made sure her finances were healthy. She kept a “young” attitude and as a retired lady she relocated to live near me and would happily spend hours keeping an eye on my young kids and helping me manage my household, which gave me company and practical help when I was struggling with PND.

Of course we were devastated when she died at 85 and I do struggle living in a world that doesn’t have my wonderful mum in it. But … that’s life.

And now I’m “free” of the burden of elder care. I don’t have to deal with that grief. It is all done for me, and the rest of my life is healing and devotion to my kids.

So I don’t buy this “too old when your kids are raising a family” argument. If they are likely to move away and leave you to it, then they will do that at any age. And if they stay and care for you, whether that’s at -age 40 or 60 your kids will figure it out.

I must admit, OP, when I saw your thread title I though, "I bet she has a teenaged daughter."
I may well be wrong and I hope I am but if there's any element in your planning of depending on your teenagers to help out with childcare then I don't think it's fair on them.