To have a fourth baby at 42?

[autumnnightsaredrawingin]

I know no one can really answer this, but I’m driving myself mad. Have 3 kids. Two teenagers and one toddler. I will be 42 next year. Generally fit and well although am overweight (considerably). I can’t get the idea of having a 4th out of my head, partly to give my little one a sibling closer in age but also I just don’t feel I’m ’done’ yet. BUT. I just don’t know if it’s pushing our luck at my age. Pregnancies generally straightforward but have had 3 c sections. Arghh. I don’t know. I’d want to lose some weight first and my cut off would be having the baby before I turned 43 so if getting pregnant hadn’t happened by 42 and a couple of months I’d give up the idea. Is it a stupid idea?

YABU = forget it, it’s too risky and you have 3 kids
YANBU = it’s not off the table, why not try?

I was amazed to find how I was unable to conceive past 40, when both my first two babies were conceived easily first month of trying. 3 years of trying from 40-43 and not even a sniff of pregnancy. I know that is anecdotal but it is good to know in your decision making that fertility really does seem to fall off a cliff unfortunately.

I do think to balance some of the ‘omg you’re past 40 and overweight’ posts - women have had pregnancies like that throughout history. Maybe it’s worth looking at some hard facts of the statistical likelihood of complications in your situation.

I think for your own long term health, and being able to give your best to the children you have, I would stick at 3 personally. It's heartbreaking if you feel you want another child it's a real longing but imagine having that child and it affecting your ability to parent or enjoy life, either because 4 cesareans, age, health of your 3rd baby, that would be more heartbreaking. I say this as an only child, being an only child is actually great as you have your parents' full attention! You have the best of both worlds as you have 2 older children too, great for your little one to have those older siblings as they grow up. Focus on giving them lots of opportunity to make friends, bringing friends over as they get older, clubs and sports. (I choose to have more than one but they are so different it's like 2 only children 🤣 even though they do get on).

Focus on your existing children.

Well that's equally true of people of 50, it's just being the sandwich generation - plus with 3 siblings they'll be much better off on that front than most.

Anyway, if your toddler was younger OP, I'd fully understand why you wanted to do this - but they will be 4 by the time the baby arrives (and that's assuming you get pregnant swiftly which is unlikely at your age). They aren't going to entertain each other or have shared friendship groups the way kids with a two or even three year age gap do.. they may well be mates, but not till they are older, and they are going to have v different needs, clubs and classes until they are secondary school age. Do you really want to do this given you are already into a second act of parenting? And will your toddler get enough out of this sibling for a friend for them to be a factor?

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a baby at 42 or having a 4th kid (our birth rate needs a boost after all), but I'd really consider the above - plus the usual questions about finance and space.

Personally I would say hell no but this is your life. Are the associated complications worth it? Do you really want to be raising young DC into your late 40s / 50s?

It's not just now. It's when your kids are teens doing exams and you are late fifties and wanting to.slow down. (Speaking from experience) If the baby is disabled then it is much harder work much longer.

I had twins at 39 and they hate that I am an older mum now they are 18, they think I was selfish to have them so old so be prepared for that! Plus twins more likely with age

Your twins sound like spoilt brats. Is there a back story to them wishing they didn’t exist?

I didn't like having older parents either. They were heavy smokers and not in the best of health.
Neither of them lived long enough to become grandparents in their lifetime.

Then due to infertility I didn't become pregnant until I was 41. I look after mysrlf and make sure I eat properly and exercise regularly.

DD is a student now and I don't want her to worry about me when she should be concentrating on her studies.

I’d be less worried about the health aspects and more concerned about impact to the existing children, particularly the teens. The reduction in your time and resources. Although not to minimise the health aspects given your weight, but the former issues are what would stop me.

If the toddler is at least 4 by the time you are pregnant then they probably will not be playing together anyway. Toddler will be starting school and won't want to be playing with a baby...

A lot to think about and I think you’ve all persuaded me it’s probably a stupid idea.

To answer a few questions:

Same partner (husband) for all kids, not a ‘new’ family.
Yes eldest is a girl but has not been expected to do childcare for youngest nor would she for this one.
Two out of three kids do have additional needs, one we are hopeful she gets better from (think a mental health condition that she is in treatment for). Littlest possibly ASD but not sure yet but attends mainstream nursery and is doing well and may not have it, sort of watch and wait. Middle one no issues.
Finances and space are fine.
My weight is an issue and I do need to sort it out. No way I could lose enough before needing to get pregnant before I got too old, but could lose a significant amount…
Had NIPT testing with youngest and would with another pregnancy.
Toddler would be just turning 4 as baby was born (assuming, and this is a BIG assumption given age and weight!) that I got pregnant as soon as we tried (I did first time on all my other 3 kids which I’m well aware makes me incredibly fortunate and quite unusual particularly 3rd time round).

Reading all this back makes me really feel like I need to quit while I’m ahead, get healthier for my 3, and realise I’ve been lucky. I think I’m dealing with some trauma from some family stuff and the person who caused it no longer being alive and so wanting to somehow have a baby without that person ever being involved which is not a great reason. I’d probably be better off talking this through with someone and focusing on moving on from this and giving the kids my time and energy. It’s probably not fair on my eldest either and again I suppose she’s been unwell for most of my youngests’ life and again I feel like I’d love to have a baby when she’s well (although no guarantees of that…).

I’m not 100% over the idea but you have all given me a lot to think about and I think I need to put the idea out of my mind. Thanks.

Quit while I'm ahead
I think you've hit the nail on the head. You have 3 children, focus on the quality of family life with them, giving them the attention, affection and support that they need.
Focus on that.

That is a very real issue. A colleagues mum had her at 44. Her mum got really sick in her mid 80s and it all fell on my collegue who was 41 and had a family etc to juggle.

People say im fine, Im in perfect health. Everyone is in good health until they're not.

In all honesty, no-one knows what the future holds. Accidents and illnesses happen. What you have at the moment is a family with three children, who need your care, love and support.
That's your reality.
Live for the present, creating a good family home, not some unknown future with an additional child/children.

I’d be thinking about what’s best for the three you already have. I don’t think having another is best for them and is higher risk for you

3 kids, two with additional needs? Hell no. You’ve enough on your plate. You might be in for a turbulent menopause any day too, I wouldn’t roll the dice again in your shoes!

If third child has ASD, higher risk that 4th one may too. Will you second child be expected to support them when you and partner are gone?

It's a bad idea driven by your hormones telling you to have 'one last go'

Ignore your hormones and use your head.

Your youngest has siblings and doesn't need any more.

You are a high risk pregnancy and having another would put your whole family at risk with you.

Honestly, I'd quit while you're ahead and just enjoy the fanily you have. I wouldn't want to push my luck.

3 kids
One of the teens already has MH issues - which I’d assume you’d want to be devoting your attention to?
A 4yo with suspected autism.

And you think any of them would benefit from their mum bringing another baby into the mix and needing her attention, just because she doesn’t feel like she’s got ‘enough’???

Believe me- I’ve been dedicating pretty much all my time to her.

Reading the most recent responses does make me really think I can’t do it. I need to put my kids and my health first. Thank you to those who have expressed this kindly. As I say, I think I am dealing with some issues that would be best worked through not on AIBU!

So how are you gonna have time for another baby then.

Being early forties with teenagers, I would have thought you wanted your life back rather than having spent your latrc20s, all of your thirties and now all of your forties being pregnant and having babies and raising them.

Getting pregnant "early is next year" means you hope to lose how much weight in a couple of months (including the Xmas period)?