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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a fourth baby at 42?

119 replies

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 02/11/2025 23:48

I know no one can really answer this, but I’m driving myself mad. Have 3 kids. Two teenagers and one toddler. I will be 42 next year. Generally fit and well although am overweight (considerably). I can’t get the idea of having a 4th out of my head, partly to give my little one a sibling closer in age but also I just don’t feel I’m ’done’ yet. BUT. I just don’t know if it’s pushing our luck at my age. Pregnancies generally straightforward but have had 3 c sections. Arghh. I don’t know. I’d want to lose some weight first and my cut off would be having the baby before I turned 43 so if getting pregnant hadn’t happened by 42 and a couple of months I’d give up the idea. Is it a stupid idea?

YABU = forget it, it’s too risky and you have 3 kids
YANBU = it’s not off the table, why not try?

OP posts:

WimbyAce · 03/11/2025 10:43

Drs told me that actually increased BMI puts you more at risk than age so I would def be thinking about losing that weight.

Nsky62 · 03/11/2025 12:58

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 03/11/2025 08:25

A lot to think about and I think you’ve all persuaded me it’s probably a stupid idea.

To answer a few questions:

Same partner (husband) for all kids, not a ‘new’ family.
Yes eldest is a girl but has not been expected to do childcare for youngest nor would she for this one.
Two out of three kids do have additional needs, one we are hopeful she gets better from (think a mental health condition that she is in treatment for). Littlest possibly ASD but not sure yet but attends mainstream nursery and is doing well and may not have it, sort of watch and wait. Middle one no issues.
Finances and space are fine.
My weight is an issue and I do need to sort it out. No way I could lose enough before needing to get pregnant before I got too old, but could lose a significant amount…
Had NIPT testing with youngest and would with another pregnancy.
Toddler would be just turning 4 as baby was born (assuming, and this is a BIG assumption given age and weight!) that I got pregnant as soon as we tried (I did first time on all my other 3 kids which I’m well aware makes me incredibly fortunate and quite unusual particularly 3rd time round).

Reading all this back makes me really feel like I need to quit while I’m ahead, get healthier for my 3, and realise I’ve been lucky. I think I’m dealing with some trauma from some family stuff and the person who caused it no longer being alive and so wanting to somehow have a baby without that person ever being involved which is not a great reason. I’d probably be better off talking this through with someone and focusing on moving on from this and giving the kids my time and energy. It’s probably not fair on my eldest either and again I suppose she’s been unwell for most of my youngests’ life and again I feel like I’d love to have a baby when she’s well (although no guarantees of that…).

I’m not 100% over the idea but you have all given me a lot to think about and I think I need to put the idea out of my mind. Thanks.

If you want a baby, kittens are cute needy and loving!
as are puppies

Bootsies · 03/11/2025 13:11

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 03/11/2025 10:08

Thanks again, I agree that the responses on here have been mostly measured, supportive and kind. As I said, I do think more complex issues are at play than just wanting another baby and AIBU is not the place for these. I won’t be trying to have another baby for the reasons you’ve all outlined. I also in a way think it would be especially unfair on my middle child who has no additional needs, but two siblings who do. I try and give him lots of my time away from the other two, I don’t need a baby to add to that mix and take time away from him. My youngest is still really little and I have a whole life (touch wood!) ahead with him to go through primary school and do all that again. My eldest has taken so much from me but still very much needs me and might do forever in some capacity. It would be selfish to do this and I realise it now I’ve discussed it on here. Thanks for helping me come to what is a very sensible decision.

I think this is a good plan. Also from experience, ASD related needs often increase with age. It has definitely been the case for all my DC. Whilst your youngest may not need that much help right now, this could all change.

Also, have a child with ASD increases the risks for another child on the spectrum, so potentially another DC with higher support needs. Sounds like you have more than enough on your plate.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 03/11/2025 19:09

@TheLivelyRoseI think people have taken offence to my comment but it is a real issue that my partner is dealing with right now. I don’t want to upset anyone, just make people see there's another point of view here.

Sharptonguedwoman · 03/11/2025 19:14

Partner’s view?

Kellogs4 · 03/11/2025 19:18

YABU life is expensive enjoy the ones you have. You also could end up with twins!

Autumn38 · 04/11/2025 08:13

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 03/11/2025 00:26

Thanks all. Mixed responses as expected. The toddler would be 4 by the time I had the baby, if I got pregnant early ish next year.

4 is actually still quite a large age gap to be honest. 4 and 8, 10 and 6 etc - feels like they will still be at different stages at different times … in fact your youngest might find that trickier than having two much older siblings to take them out and spoil them…

sunshinestar1986 · 05/11/2025 16:06

Fuckmyliferightnow · 03/11/2025 01:28

When your child is 40 you’ll be 82. Do you think it’s fair that they should be burdened with (probably) looking after you when they’re still very much of working age and trying to raise their own family?

My mum had me at 30 and she had a stroke at 50, so ill health can come at anytime.

RampantIvy · 05/11/2025 17:09

sunshinestar1986 · 05/11/2025 16:06

My mum had me at 30 and she had a stroke at 50, so ill health can come at anytime.

Show quote history

True, but statistically, the older you are the more likely it is to happen.

I hope your mum made a full recovery.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 06/11/2025 22:59

@sunshinestar1986 yes I know but it’s almost guaranteed that over 80 year olds will need significantly more support/care. My mum can now care for my nan, in her late 80’s as she’s retired. I can’t imagine her having to do this whilst still working.

TheLongNow · 06/11/2025 23:35

As someone who has lost both parents unexpectedly 'before their time', I am really conscious that my decision to have my DC in my mid to late 30s means that they will likely lose me earlier than their peers will lose their parents. DC1 is autistic and will likely need some kind of support throughout their life and it feels sad that I might not be around for as long as I would have, had I had my DC younger. At 42, it would be a no from me.

SnowFrogJelly · 06/11/2025 23:38

OP I think in your situation.. overweight and had previous C sections it’s ridiculous to consider another baby.. you already have 3 children!

SilverDoublet · 07/11/2025 12:01

I know 2 women who already had 3 children and went for a 4th, at age 41/42 and had twins. Living in small 3 bedroom houses....without the finances to move or extend. I know another in her 40s that went for a 4th, it was twins but one of them died. It's really unfair on the older kids, especially when it's so hard to move out/get on the property ladder. Just think how would you cope with twins? Do you have the finances or the space? Now imagine if those twins had any kind of special needs or learning disabilities. How would you manage that? Enjoy what you have I think, maybe get a pet.

Lt827 · 09/11/2025 16:52

I had my youngest at 45. It was difficult to conceive but I am so glad I did the work to bring him into the world.

Goldenboxes · 09/11/2025 16:58

Absolutely not.
Parenting teens at 60 is often a worry health wise.
I wouldn't recommend it.
I was a super fit 42 year old when I had my last child.
Things can change so quickly.

Ashutdown · 09/11/2025 17:28

Lt827 · 09/11/2025 16:52

I had my youngest at 45. It was difficult to conceive but I am so glad I did the work to bring him into the world.

Edited

Can I ask did you have fertility treatment or by doing the work do you mean lifestyle / supplements ? Can you share what worked

Lt827 · 09/11/2025 17:42

Ashutdown · 09/11/2025 17:28

Can I ask did you have fertility treatment or by doing the work do you mean lifestyle / supplements ? Can you share what worked

Show quote history

I had IVF and it worked on the 4th try. We also did a few lifestyle changes. I didn’t need any fertility treatments for my older two children when I was in my thirties.

Ashutdown · 09/11/2025 20:41

Ashutdown · 09/11/2025 17:28

Can I ask did you have fertility treatment or by doing the work do you mean lifestyle / supplements ? Can you share what worked

Show quote history

Did you use your own eggs if you don’t mind me asking ?

Lt827 · 10/11/2025 18:19

Yes I did but by the time it worked, I was open to try donor eggs. We just didn’t need to.

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