To have a fourth baby at 42?

[autumnnightsaredrawingin]

I know no one can really answer this, but I’m driving myself mad. Have 3 kids. Two teenagers and one toddler. I will be 42 next year. Generally fit and well although am overweight (considerably). I can’t get the idea of having a 4th out of my head, partly to give my little one a sibling closer in age but also I just don’t feel I’m ’done’ yet. BUT. I just don’t know if it’s pushing our luck at my age. Pregnancies generally straightforward but have had 3 c sections. Arghh. I don’t know. I’d want to lose some weight first and my cut off would be having the baby before I turned 43 so if getting pregnant hadn’t happened by 42 and a couple of months I’d give up the idea. Is it a stupid idea?

YABU = forget it, it’s too risky and you have 3 kids
YANBU = it’s not off the table, why not try?

I think you have the best of both worlds at the moment - your youngest has all the advantages of having siblings whilst also the experience of being like an only child (You're able to focus much more on them, no baby absorbing your attention). It's the perfect balance.

And most importantly the pregnancy risks of being 42 and I overweight are significant - to you and to a baby. How would your other children cope if you had a child with severe disabilities? . How would you cope?

I think you need to think very hard before bringing another child into this mix

My mum had me at 40 and already had teenagers. I was the only female. She was like my grandmother throughout my school years and in ill health (asthma/COPD). I always remember her going to the GP a lot. People thought I was her granddaughter. She finally quit smoking at around 55. She divorced my father at 48 and he gradually disappeared from my life. Both of my siblings had married and left home by the time I was 7 - I have no memory of them having lived at home. I feel I was an only child. I also didn’t feel they were like siblings to me - we didn’t have that sibling relationship (they were more like uncles). I became an aunty at 5 years old. My nephews and niece are closer in age to me than my siblings were.

I went to university and started my career, got married and had my 2 children at 32 and 36. My job is stressful and demanding. My mum was unable to help with childcare (MIL passed before my children were born) so we relied on nurseries and a childminder. That’s fine as you shouldn’t presume your parents will be your childminder but my mother, by this point was struggling with her health and needed help. As the only girl, this usually fell to me. I would try to take her out for days out but it was like having another child. Not only did I have two young children to deal with but also an elderly mother. And, I had to fit my work in there! There was no time for me. I didn’t do anything for me - no hobbies, nothing. I was a carer to everyone, including my elderly father in law. My mother was diagnosed with bowel cancer when my children were 7 and 11. It was terminal - she passed a year following diagnosis. Around the same time, my father in law was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He also passed very quickly. We had to sort 2 funerals and 2 houses. My children had no grandparents by this point but, to be honest, neither had been a real grandparent to them due to their age (they were too ill and old). My mental health was strained because of the pressure. I’d missed out on a normal life - well, that’s what it felt like.

The kids are now 21 and 17 - it’s been ten years since my mum died. I now have the time to do things for me but feel I spent a lot of my younger years caring for others.

Think carefully about having a 4th child at your age, especially if you’re overweight. I’m just being realistic. There is no way I’d ever have a child over 40. I know this isn’t always the case but it made me unhappy as the youngest.

I'm like you. I've got 3 kids - 8,6,3 and now 41 - 42 in May. I'm desperate for 4th (know it's hormonal - definitely perimenopause). BUT I've been TTC for nearly 2 years after getting pregnant easily with the others. I know it's not likely to happen for me now but it's hard letting go of this stage of my life. Definitely feel a void. I feel for you and think hormones are so powerful. Good luck whatever you decide

I had my fifth at 42 (5 sections!)I was though genuinely in good health (I ran a marathon during my pregnancy!). If you are considerably overweight will you shift this before next year? If you do, and feel healthy I wouldn’t worry about going for it, but I would definitely get chromosomal tests done and not carry on with a pregnancy which was not chromosomally normal. It wouldn’t be fair on you or your other children as you get older.

I’m 44 and couldn’t think of anything worse than running around after two young children now perimenopause has hit. It’s totally wiped me out and work drains me bad enough physically and mentally without two young children thrown in.

I know of two families who had 2 dc and then a 'new' generation of another 2 dc after 10+ years (same fathers, no blended situation). The eldest DC are friends with my DC, and the new siblings had quite a profound affect on their lives in the sense their parents became so much busier at a time when they needed a lot of support (and a quiet home!) eg GCSE and A levels. Both families also lived in a 3 bed house, so it caused overcrowding at a time in their lives that it was difficult to share. I would think about the disruption to existing children first.

How old is your partner? Are you set for paying university costs?

Earlyish in 2026? Or 2027?

What you’re feeling is what most of us go through it’s just Mother Natures last ditch attempt at reproduction. It doesn’t mean you have to act on it. What if this next pregnancy is twins? Or if the baby has birth defects or is severely disabled? Will you be happy, will it have made your life better?

This one doesn't make sense - if you have your child at 30 they'll be 52 when you're 82 and also very much working. Also why would it be probably the youngest looking after OP?

I was going to say similar as I’ve had 7! As long as you have a gap of at least 2 years between them and don’t have any known issues eg lots of scar tissue or very thin uterus it shouldn’t be an issue in most cases

Hmm that is still quite an age gap for a small children. They would have little in common in terms of activities, interests, supervision. Think of having a holiday with a 3 yr old and a 7 yr old. One is in the toddler pool with you, and the other is flinging himself into the big pool. It would still be like having 2 separate ‘generations’. Of course lots of families have this age gap. But if you’re doing this for companionship for the younger one, they might not make great companions for each other age wise.

We had an unplanned child +40 yo having two teenagers.
They adore her! Always done.

You have a much higher chance of a child with a disability. I wouldn't roll the dice again at your age and 3 kids already. Who will really benefit from another?

A 4 year gap is hardly 2 separate generations 🙄

We have four, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Obviously we adore them but bloody hell, is it hard work! I’m now 44 and my youngest is 7, and I’m physically doing ok, losing weight and trying to get fitter, but I wouldn’t want to have a 2 year old now.

Well sure , that’s why it’s in quotation marks. ‘Phases’ might be a better term.

Your poor mum seemed to have a hard life.
sorry for your loss, but I don’t think every 40/50 year old is quite like that though.

I do get why people have babies so late in life if they are still childless. But you have there (by the sound of it healthy) DC. Both of mine have complex SN/disabilities (not the kind that would show up on a scan or any other antenatal test - and I had them in my early 30s). At your age, all sort of risks go up - both for you and the baby. Why roll that dice again if you already have a big family.

I think this is a simple case where you should show some gratitude and grateful for what you have and leave it there.

also, you are not fit and well at all if you are very overweight. That itself comes with multiple risks. and have a thing how a child work considerable high support needs (much more likely at your age) would slot into the family. I am caring endless hours. I love my DC but it's not easy and not the life I wanted.

My MIL is 87 she is healthier and fitter than my dad at 75 who needs far more care and support than she does. It’s also not a ‘burden’ he did shit loads for me when he was able.

My mum only just made her 60s before she died. They had me in their late twenties. My partner who was born in parents early 40s had both parents until 86.

Why would the youngest necessarily be caring for her aging mum? She’d have 4 children and mot
all older people need care. Would it be any easier when you’re 60 caring for 80 year old? My mums 20 years older than me and that would be the scenario I was expecting it that were to happen.

My mum had me at 43. My dad was dead by the time I was 25 and she was gone by the time I was 35. There's a big gap between me and my sisters - both were adults by the time I was born.

She was fit as well.

I mean I don't know. Is this 'second' family territory with a 'second' partner? Whose benefit are you doing this for?

A 52 year old.is less.likely to have young DC at home though, DD will be 20 when I'm 52 so in theory I'll have more time to help elderly parents if they need it

Of course it's your choice but in your circumstances, I wouldn't. Three children, three C-sections, overweight and 41. I'd focus on the children you have.

(Not judging, just my opinion. I'm 36 and overweight and am not going for a third because of my weight...I'm worried about my body and my health and getting as healthy as I can for my existing children).

Considerably overweight means it could take perhaps a year to lose the weight… do this first then reassess.