To have a fourth baby at 42?

[autumnnightsaredrawingin]

I know no one can really answer this, but I’m driving myself mad. Have 3 kids. Two teenagers and one toddler. I will be 42 next year. Generally fit and well although am overweight (considerably). I can’t get the idea of having a 4th out of my head, partly to give my little one a sibling closer in age but also I just don’t feel I’m ’done’ yet. BUT. I just don’t know if it’s pushing our luck at my age. Pregnancies generally straightforward but have had 3 c sections. Arghh. I don’t know. I’d want to lose some weight first and my cut off would be having the baby before I turned 43 so if getting pregnant hadn’t happened by 42 and a couple of months I’d give up the idea. Is it a stupid idea?

YABU = forget it, it’s too risky and you have 3 kids
YANBU = it’s not off the table, why not try?

Hun , you do you . MN seems to have a massive issue with big families so even if you were 30 the reply would be the same . To much hate towards anyone having more than 2 kids .

I think you're pushing it, but it is a totally understandable desire.

If you're over weight, this opens you up to all manner of disease, but also poor quality of life, in a couple of decades.

My overweight mum had me at 30 but is now diabetic, poorly mobile, managing high BP and starting with dementia.

DH's mum had him at 40 but she's fit and active and plays a big role in our / grandkids' lives.

I'd prioritise losing the weight TBH, and then consider another baby

I had dc3 at 42 and it has been fine. Had NIPT and she's healthy and is meeting all milestones (aged 3 now). However I was a healthy weight when pg (but still diagnosed with GD - no symptoms and no ongoing problems) and it was my 3rd cs - a 4th often isn't advisable. I've not found it too overwhelming but I only work one day a week and DH is very present so I'm able to spend lots of one to one time with my dcs and also have time for myself.

I was partly on the fence and took the attitude that nature would decide - I didn't track anything, check my cycle or use any supplements, just didn't use contraception. I figured if it didn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be, and it meant I didn't get too stressed over making the decision, because I recognised it wasn't in my hands really.

I thought the same ! Seems very unusual behaviour and not the norm at all

Clearly a hun, who hasn't read the thread.

It's not the size of her family.One of her children has mental health issues, and the youngest is suspected to be autistic.

She'll have to lose a significant amount of weight by january and what if she has another child with special needs. She should quit while she's ahead.

It's nothing to do with the size of the family.

Sorry OP, I just saw your update now. Apologies if my reply reads as sticking in the boot in / being unkind, not my intention x

And ? My oldest has autism and his siblings did nothing but being a positive influence in his life . So much ableism

Have you read the OP's updates where she says that two of her children have extra needs? The chances are that another child will as well.

I would focus on your health as a priority in the interest of your existing kids. So to me as well as losing weight, that would also mean not putting your body through a 4th c section.

Nothing to do with ableism. You have to think of your ability to raise four children, three of them, potentially with special needs. Is there enough to go around.

You ve only got one.

Ableism is a buzzword thrown around for no reason, but pretty much anyone who has special needs meental or physical is going to struggle in life and that does not an easy life make for thr parents, the children or the whole family. A family that already has two children with significant needs should quit.While they re ahead and focus on making life as easy as possible for the existing children.

Perhaps your other kids dont want to support their sibling or wont want to once theyre adults. You only had one autistic child. What if it had been three? Would you have coped? Probably not.

Honestly. OP. I think you and your partner need to make your own minds up. There are always going to be lots of pros and cons in such a big decision but only you know which of the factors are important or relevant to you.

Well my DC2 arrived when I was 45, and DC1 was 5 at the time. I was also very overweight and everything was fine straightforward pregnancy and baby healthy so on that basis I'd say go for it. I only have 2 though and haven't experienced teens yet, so how you would juggle 4 and how much support your older kids would needs I don't know. So I guess it boils down to your finances, do you have enough space at home and do you think you could cope energy wise?

Wise. A 4th child could have complex needs. This would change the whole dynamics of your lives.

Age is not on your side here, 42 was my cut off for ttc, multiple miscarriages And a trisomy 15 diagnosis made me realise that I needed to count my blessings and enjoy my family

Coping with two teenagers when you're mid fifties going through menopause, a no from me!

I don't see any hate on this thread. Only measured responses.

Yes, good point and I think it's a significant factor for consideration.

Go for it, if that’s what you want. There are many first timers older than 42. Good luck, God bless. 💐

Thanks again, I agree that the responses on here have been mostly measured, supportive and kind. As I said, I do think more complex issues are at play than just wanting another baby and AIBU is not the place for these. I won’t be trying to have another baby for the reasons you’ve all outlined. I also in a way think it would be especially unfair on my middle child who has no additional needs, but two siblings who do. I try and give him lots of my time away from the other two, I don’t need a baby to add to that mix and take time away from him. My youngest is still really little and I have a whole life (touch wood!) ahead with him to go through primary school and do all that again. My eldest has taken so much from me but still very much needs me and might do forever in some capacity. It would be selfish to do this and I realise it now I’ve discussed it on here. Thanks for helping me come to what is a very sensible decision.

All the best OP. You've reflected on your situation and taken advice. You're very aware of your family demands and dynamic, and right to develop strategies to help all your children effectively.
Now, perhaps DH could get the snip or you have a tubal ligation?.. you don't want an accident!
Good luck 🤞

She already has a toddler now though so will that be much different?

I think at any age there will always be a pinch point with raising kids - pros and cons. If you have them at 25, it’s likely your own parents are still full time working so can’t/ don’t want to help. Maybe OP would be able to help more with any grandchildren since she’ll be retired by then? Pros and cons.

Unless your kids are well into their 20s when your own parents are elderly, it’s likely you’ll still feel stretched at some point. Teens need a lot of parenting too. It’s unfortunately a common issue in midlife to juggle these things. Our society isn’t really setup to support the family structures that would benefit most people.

To me it’s not age but OPs current health which is potentially more of an issue than 40 years time.

That’s a ridiculous reply. You could have children at 30 and your parents be unwell
and need support.

I had six sections.but the last was a little bit problem, but much of nothing. Def wouldn't advise it though, each time the recovery time was a lot longer.
But getting back to OP, given being "considerably over weight" and 42, I wouldn't do it personally. There are a lot more risks involved for mum and baby.
It seems that every 10th Mner on here has had /knows someone who has had a baby in the 40's but irl I don't believe that to be true that there hasn't been problems or the child has problems in every case.
It's up to you OP if you go ahead, but I'd be thinking more about your young child and your teens tbh.
Teen years can be a mine field needing mum /dad without a newborn taking all the attention. But good luck with your decision and hope it all works out for you whatever you choose to do.

Have you considered its hormones playing tricks on you OP? It’s quite common to get broody as you get near menopause, happened to me and I definitely didn’t want another one!

This is Mumsnet, so weight is always your biggest problem...

I'm the same age and experiencing similar pangs for one more, while I still can. We'll be sending DD off to uni in September, which doesn't help. But I attended a 4th birthday party on Saturday and it's really helped me to consider the realities of having another 😳