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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to live with a person with poor mh

104 replies

SnooperLoopy · 02/11/2025 22:01

I grew up with a clinically depressed mother who also has some sort of personality disorder arising from a neglected childhood. We always had to tiptoe around her moods and pander to her. She dictated everything - what TV shows we watched, where we went on holiday, the topic of conversation, who came to the house etc. In many ways she loved us as best she could but she really was difficult to live with and I left home as soon as i could and spent my twenties seeing as little of her as possible. I do now see her every week, but I try to manage her in small doses as that is easier.
Now my older teenage son is showing signs of depression and absolutely dictates the household mood. Sometimes I can't wait for him to grow up and move out. As much as i love him, I don't want to spend any more of my life walking on eggshells over another (irrational and selfish) person's moods. But in the current economic climate I fully expect him to come back and live with us after university. How can I cope with this?

I fully expect to be flamed but I suspect anyone who has experienced what i am talking about will sympathise and some solidarity / encouragement would be appreciated.

OP posts:
ChatBotBelly · 02/11/2025 22:03

It could be hereditary and come from you.

He is young and you are his mum. You can help him seek mental health support.

Wolfiefan · 02/11/2025 22:06

Has he got a diagnosis and is he having treatment?
What you describe of your mum is not about depression though. Depression doesn’t mean you are the only person who picks the TV channel or what you can talk about.

otherlineeyes · 02/11/2025 22:27

Have you ever had any therapy due process the impact of growing up with your mum? It sounds like his MH is evoking a disproportional response in you due to your history, which is completely understandable.

For your own sake and also so you can be there for him it could be good for you to speak to a therapist.

Also, the Phillipa Perry book “the book you wish your parents had read “ could be helpful.
Teenager hood is a time when almost everyone has some difficulty, getting to know yourself and the world with raging hormones is tough. I don’t know how severe his depression is, but he has the safety to express his feelings and the support of a mother. You never had that.

You always had to look after her feelings and instead of her guiding you through how to regulate and understand your own which is the role of a parent.

How old is your son? Try not to fear the future, this too shall pass. You will both be in a different place by the time he’s finished Uni.

It’s difficult OP, I wish you best of luck

MidnightPatrol · 02/11/2025 22:30

Has he actually got a diagnosis? Being kind - is he getting the right help?

Reading into your post… are you ‘tip-toeing around and pandering’ to him rather than addressing the issue, reflecting your experience with your mother?

I agree it’s no way to live.

Greenwitchart · 02/11/2025 22:34

Seriously?

Your son got this issue from your side of the family.it is not like he chose to be depressed.

The question is what are you doing to help him deal with his ''moods''?

You are the parent after all and it is your responsibility to look at getting him a proper diagnosis, counselling and any suitable treatment.

It seems you are projecting your understandable anger at your mother to your son, which is not fair on him.

They are different individuals and he needs support.

TickyTacky · 02/11/2025 23:05

Your mum had MH issues, your son now does. MH issues have a strong genetic link, and as a person who passed inherited conditions to her own children, I am a strong believer in doing everything I can to improve their quality of life. Children don't ask to be born, we make that choice for them. So it's our responsibility as parents to be as supportive as possible. Your past trauma is affecting you, and I think you would benefit from some therapy.

pottylolly · 02/11/2025 23:08

BPD, ASD, certain other conditions all manifest as your mum / son BUT some of them also manifest in higher energy with lack of empathy like you’ve shown in your post. Get yourself and the entire family to a psychologist asap.

Eenameenadeeka · 03/11/2025 06:25

As his mother, knowing that he's struggling with depression, you might support him to seek some help for his mental health?

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/11/2025 06:34

You talk about this is an oddly dispassionate way and I wonder if this is partly a coping mechanism or if there is some neurodiversity here but but its quite striking that your overwhelming concern is how you will manage not for your son. I am not judging you for this and I do understand wanting not to be dragged down by mental illness but you sound very decoupled from this. Ultimately you are going to need to support your son so you need to find a way to understand him and work with him.

I strongly suggest you should try to get some support to manage this for yourself. It sounds like you haven’t processed what happened with your mother

pilates · 03/11/2025 06:38

I would get your son seen by a specialist. Perhaps medication would help? Sounds hard work but surely early intervention would help.

Sirzy · 03/11/2025 06:41

So what are you doing to help him access support so he doesn’t suffer in the same way your mum did?

youalright · 03/11/2025 06:45

dictated everything - what TV shows we watched, where we went on holiday, the topic of conversation, who came to the house etc.
None of this is has anything to do with depression these are not symptoms of depression

IwishIhadcheese · 03/11/2025 06:48

What help is he getting?

Daisymay8 · 03/11/2025 06:51

Have you had counselling to deal with your childhood - because if not you DS's problems are probably triggering old memories and upsets..... you say he dictates the mood in the house. Are there other family members around, if it is only you and him I can see that is hard but otherwise you should be able to put it to one side. Teens are moody. Can other family members and relatives help?

tripleginandtonic · 03/11/2025 06:52

Your house your rules.

didalittlenamechange · 03/11/2025 06:56

OP, I might ask this to be moved from AIBU to Relationships.

As evidenced by some of the initial replies, this really isn't the board for topics that you need sensitive, thoughtful responses to.

Summerhillsquare · 03/11/2025 06:57

Where on earth are people getting the idea that depression and anxiety are genetic?!

ChristmasStepThisWay · 03/11/2025 07:01

Spending a lifetime managing other people’s moods, is exhausting. What you describe in your DM and DS doesn’t sound like just depression though. Sometimes that kind of control can come from anxiety or neurodivergence. It might help for both of you to have some professional support, especially as you might have not processed the trauma from your own childhood.

youalright · 03/11/2025 07:03

Summerhillsquare · 03/11/2025 06:57

Where on earth are people getting the idea that depression and anxiety are genetic?!

Because they are

Fiftyandme · 03/11/2025 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TeenToTwenties · 03/11/2025 07:06

I have spent the last near 6 years (including the pandemic) with my DD suffering from varying degrees of anxiety and depression.
Yes it is draining.
Yes it is limiting.
But if you can get help they can engage with they can recover or at least improve.
Plus get help for yourself too.

There is a Childrens Mental Health board you may find helpful.

Namechange152 · 03/11/2025 07:07

Summerhillsquare · 03/11/2025 06:57

Where on earth are people getting the idea that depression and anxiety are genetic?!

There is a known genetic component to both anxiety and depression.

OP - it's understandable that this is triggering for you given your experience growing up. However while your mum's mental health difficulties were enduring, this does not mean that your son's difficulties will be, particularly if he gets the right support.
What is your relationship with your son like? Are you able to talk to him to try and figure out what is going on? Is he accessing any support?
Gently, he is your child and you have a responsibility to him. What would you do if he had a physical health concern?
As others have said, it may be helpful for you to access support for yourself as well. It is likely that your upbringing has impacted your own parenting and so indirectly your son. Family therapy may also be helpful.

ladycarlotta · 03/11/2025 07:10

Mental illness can explain behaviours but it doesn't excuse them. You've probably met lots of people with depression who don't dictate everything around them because most adults take responsibility for themselves and their effect on those around them. Your mother didn't; your son hasn't learned to yet.
I understand this may feel draining but what you've said of your mum sounds more like BPD (which sufferers can still build the skills to handle differently) - this is not history repeating itself. Things can be different. You need to find a way to get out of this mindset because it's currently centring you while your son's struggles are boiled down to the negative effect they'll have on you.

You both need therapy. He needs help with his mental health; you need to get to a point where you can work with him and show/feel compassion while still maintaining a boundary.

Rosygoldapple · 03/11/2025 07:10

Older teen - is he in education or training? Is he seeing a therapist? He is an adult but still needs you to guide him.

nameobsessed · 03/11/2025 07:10

I really hope you’re describing your thoughts as irrational and selfish and not your mentally ill teenager there, I can’t tell.