to not want to live with a person with poor mh

[SnooperLoopy]

I grew up with a clinically depressed mother who also has some sort of personality disorder arising from a neglected childhood. We always had to tiptoe around her moods and pander to her. She dictated everything - what TV shows we watched, where we went on holiday, the topic of conversation, who came to the house etc. In many ways she loved us as best she could but she really was difficult to live with and I left home as soon as i could and spent my twenties seeing as little of her as possible. I do now see her every week, but I try to manage her in small doses as that is easier.
Now my older teenage son is showing signs of depression and absolutely dictates the household mood. Sometimes I can't wait for him to grow up and move out. As much as i love him, I don't want to spend any more of my life walking on eggshells over another (irrational and selfish) person's moods. But in the current economic climate I fully expect him to come back and live with us after university. How can I cope with this?

I fully expect to be flamed but I suspect anyone who has experienced what i am talking about will sympathise and some solidarity / encouragement would be appreciated.

You're being unnecessarily nasty.

You need to get some mental health support for yourself. It's not normal or right to think that way about your DC being depressed, you're making it all about you instead of about supporting your child.
With your upbringing, it's normal that a parent 'dictates' holidays and who comes in the house.
You really need to work through your own issues or you could make your DC a lot worse.

Have you ever lived with an emotionally abusive parent?

The op's child could be, we only know what the op is telling us

How do we know where the ops child got thr mental health issues from?

Absolute rubbish. Of course it’s normal and right to think that way. Living and supporting somebody with mental illness is gruelling, draining
and impacts life massively. Whowouldn’t be apprehensive about that. She is being supportive and providing a home but wants help and advice to cope with it. And re making dc worse, no sc is an adult and responsible for his own mental health. All a parent at his age can do is support alongside with boundaries.

OP have a look for some kind of local peer support groups.

I'm asking you if you've experienced living with an emotionally abuse parent, ay OP seems to have and as I definitely have. You won't realise the impact it has if you haven't experienced it.

Having, grown up with a parent who was similar, I completely get where you’re coming from. It’s difficult, but as I got older, I felt able to view my parent’s behaviour more compassionately, though I do think they should have been able to prioritise the family more than they did.
I would absolutely prioritise getting help for your son tbh. He is young, early intervention might be very effective.
I feel for you, it’s hard.

@GehenSieweiter you are right in a way but so is @JLou08. The OP finds the prospect of living with a mentally ill person triggering and frightening: I can understand this. I feel similarly about alcoholism having been brought up with an alcoholic father. The urge to avoid it is powerful and sometimes leads me to behave in irrational and selfish ways.

But the OP ultimately has to confront the fact she has a legal and moral duty to support this boy. The way she talks about it is curiously cold and self centred. While the cause of this makes this understandable its not a sustainable position when you are the legal guardian for a person to try to avoid dealing with their problems. OP your current perspective on this is likely to make your son’s situation a lot worse.

Both you and your son need help urgently here

Yes, and I made sure I didn't subject my own DC to the same abuse. That included some therapy and working through my childhood, just as every one who goes on to have children after an abusive childhood should. Once you're a parent you can not blame your own parents for your behaviour, you step up and be the parent you needed or just don't have children.

Where has she said she is shunning and neglecting her child? Must have missed that. It’s quite the reverse. She’s providing a home.

The child is an adult and responsible for his own mental health. In reality there is little the mother can do other than support alongside but she absolutely must support and protect herself because if she doesn’t she’ll be no use to anybody and the home she is providing and funding will disappear.

It isn’t it’s realistic. And after uni he’ll be an adult. There will be legal responsibility at all.

I don't completely disagree with your second point at all, just felt some posts were unnecessarily harsh and probably coming from lack of understanding and judgement. I wonder if the apparent coldness is a clumsy attempt at self preservation?
I'm sorry to hear what you went through.

I completely sympathise op.
I grew up with a family member like this who also used threats of suicide and carefully managed, fake suicide attempts to control and manipulate.
This person was not my child though. IMO, care and responsibility goes down the generations, not up. You had no duty of care for your mother, you didn't ask to be born. You do have a duty of care to your son though. Be that solid shoulder. Having said that, you shouldn't tread on eggshells or have him dictate what goes on or the mood in the family. I don't think that's helpful to anyone, including your son. Your son has to learn to engage with the world as it is, not bent to his choices.

So perhaps OP has struggled to do as we did, for whatever reasons. Nastiness and judgement won't help her now. Supportive words might.

I understand this as I had a mother who did all these things and more.
I don’t think people can comprehend what a childhood in and out of care because your mother has got sectioned over and over again was like.
Being in care I looked forward to. That was the high light. It was the months of treading on eggshells, being screamed at and verbally abused for not doing something and then when you remembered and did it the next time being screamed at again because you shouldn’t have done the thing this time.
I would go weeks where I would be shouted at from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. Sometimes being woken to be screamed at some more.

Depression turns people into selfish narcissists where everyone has to creep around them hoping to not set the person off.

Unless you have lived this childhood I don’t think you can understand how it affects someone and their responses to these moods

I left home at 16 and went NC a couple of years later.
There isn’t a day goes by that I regret that decision or the decision to drop people from my life who show any signs of going down the same route

There is one thing looking at diet, vitamins, minerals, getting out into the sunshine and getting any diagnosis for Neuro diversity etc but at some point if things aren’t improving there comes a time when you have to protect yourself

I understand and am there. You are not unreasonable and you are also a person with wants and needs

Just because you raised your child the exact opposite to your abusive parent and do everything you can to raise them well, doesn’t mean that they won’t be abusive people

''@Summerhillsquare
Where on earth are people getting the idea that depression and anxiety are genetic?!''

Because they are.

The cause of depression is a complex interplay of genetic, environmental, and life-event factors.

Having a family history increases the likelihood of developing depression. Same with anxiety.

You’re his mum, you should be trying to get help for him, not wanting to disown the poor boy and get rid of him as soon as possible. I’m sorry you had a tough childhood but you need to step up and help your son, and if you’re finding this difficult try to seek outside help.

Yabu. I understand it was difficult growing up and your son having the same illness is triggering but he didn't ask for this either and it could just as easily be you one day. Imagine if you was the one mentally ill and the one person in the world you should be able to depend on wanted to leave you alone in it. What help have you got for your son over the years?

You need to address your own mental health problems connected to your childhood as it appears they are interfering with you supporting your child.

You are the one that decided to have children and very likely passed on the mental health issue to your son.

Have you even sought out a diagnosis for your son?

She didn't have children alone.
You don't know she passed anything on.

I sympathise OP - my parent was sectioned for a period of time during my teens & had MH issues all of his life. Unless you've lived with someone with MH issues you won't understand what it's like. You're not just living with someone who is a bit down. It's far more difficult than most people can imagine. I am also aware that I am very triggered by being around MH issues. My daughter said she had "social anxiety" - after a mental health awareness week at her school and I found it quite difficult - I have very mixed feelings about the usefulness of talking to impressionable children about mental health - but that's not for this thread. My point is - it is hard & it does unearth uncomfortable issues. I am not a fan of therapy for me - but I was insistent that my DD do all the "self care" stuff - exercise became a non negotiable, walks too, better diet. I ignore a lot of the traits - jiggling legs, picking fingers etc - and do a bit of 'fake it til you make it' parenting. Also make DH step in - he's a lot more practical too - eg "you are going to a shop & will talk to shop keeper" to show she can overcome anxiety.

I wish you well - your son is not your mum. And these things aren't always hereditary & can easily be circumstantial. It could easily just be a teen phase - and you are allowed to find it tough. Books on teen brain & nutrition etc were helpful to me. Good luck.

I have struggled with my mental health in the past (heavily linked to my job) and my DH is currently signed off due to his mental health. He is snappy over the littlest things and struggling with motivation. I don’t tiptoe around him and I call him out when he is unnecessarily short with the children. I also cut him some slack when he snaps at me because I know how it feels to be struggling and feeling like the world is on top of you.

I love my DH and I want to support him through this like he did for me when I was struggling with anxiety and depression. That doesn’t mean pandering to each other though. I would have been really upset if he’d wanted me to move out.