to not want to live with a person with poor mh

[SnooperLoopy]

I grew up with a clinically depressed mother who also has some sort of personality disorder arising from a neglected childhood. We always had to tiptoe around her moods and pander to her. She dictated everything - what TV shows we watched, where we went on holiday, the topic of conversation, who came to the house etc. In many ways she loved us as best she could but she really was difficult to live with and I left home as soon as i could and spent my twenties seeing as little of her as possible. I do now see her every week, but I try to manage her in small doses as that is easier.
Now my older teenage son is showing signs of depression and absolutely dictates the household mood. Sometimes I can't wait for him to grow up and move out. As much as i love him, I don't want to spend any more of my life walking on eggshells over another (irrational and selfish) person's moods. But in the current economic climate I fully expect him to come back and live with us after university. How can I cope with this?

I fully expect to be flamed but I suspect anyone who has experienced what i am talking about will sympathise and some solidarity / encouragement would be appreciated.

I struggled terribly as a teenager and a young adult with severe anxiety and long periods of depression, but I can’t give my mum enough credit - she took me to doctors, took me counselling, and didn’t give up on me. Even when I’d given up on myself, she never did. I was very aware though that it was difficult for her and for everyone around me. Don’t give up on him, help him as best you can - he’s only young and just starting out in life. He needs all the help and support you can give him still.

So your mother and now your son were both mentally ill. Do you describe all mental health patients as “selfish and irrational”?

No you shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells and repeat history. Are you being proactive at addressing the topic. Is he seeing a Dr, is he being motivated to leave the house and exercise etc?

How ? There is no early intervention anymore. Even attempts on your life get nothing bar a few crisis phone calls. Things are left until they go so bad patients end up in need of intense tertiary support who are then inundated and struggle to do what they need to do. Private is hugely expensive and not always helpful.

Well @SnooperLoopy you're "lucky" your son isn't autistic. I've had to deal with him not listening to a word I say and meltdowns since he was very young. Hit puberty he became aggressive and violent. With medication to take the anxiety down he's no longer violent but get sudden outbursts and we're all walking on eggshells around him because he's not doing it on purpose. He's suffering too and always regrets it when he's had an outburst and apologises. Don't think he will ever be able to live independantly.

You have got a son who experiences mh health problem as a teenager. With the right help he can come out on the other side. Please don't treat him like a burden but have some compassion and help him through this. Who knows- in ten years you might come to mn complaining about not seeing your son enough😉

I guess if you decided to neglect your son, it would be history repeating?

Mental illness can make people behave both selfishly and irrationally. I work in that field, and have definitely seen plenty of it. Of course, it is often the illness driving behaviours. People aren't always making conscious choices.

My mum grew up with a bipolar mother who was both, at times. Sometimes she couldn't help it, as the behaviour was driven by her illness. But sometimes, it was also how she chose to behave. My mum was not great with my teenage moods, she didn't cope well with a period of poor MH I had in early adulthood either. I think it was trauma from growing up with a mentally unwell parent. My GM did not engage with treatment unless sectioned. She neglected her children, spent money on crap instead of things they needed. The younger ones were sent to boarding school because she couldn't cope and were traumatised there. My mum and her sister had to take care of her during bed bound periods of depression, from the age of around 6.

Doubtless she was very unhappy and at times very unwell. But my mum and her younger siblings' childhood was traumatic and it really did affect my mum's ability to cope and I think she's a bit like the OP here, she's a classic parentified child, very independent and capable but emotionally shut down and has no idea to cope with someone struggling, fears people becoming needy/dependent on her. I've suggested therapy, but she won't open the box. I figure all I can do is break the cycle myself, which I hope I have done.

OP - if you read this, getting some help for the impact of growing up with a parent with serious MH issues may really support you to cope if your son struggles in his teens and young adulthood.

You are being very unreasonable. That’s your son. It’s your responsibility as his mother to help him.

Can you describe the ways in which your son is dictating how you live, OP? Depression is horrible but it’s no excuse for bad behaviour. Depressed people need to know the boundaries just the same as everyone else.

Oh well if you say so, who needs evidence 😉

I agree with the first poster that you need to get some help. It is not normal to be annoyed with a depressed child merely for living under your roof. You clearly have hangups from your childhood that are impacting on your own parenting and it doesn't sound at all healthy.

I’d echo getting some help for yourself. Also grew up with a depressed bi polar mother and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I have extremely firm boundaries around how much of someone’s mental illness I’m willing to involve myself in (generally: none), but it has to be different with your own child. Please do get some counselling for your own sake.

I wonder if you are conflating the effects of your mother’s depression with those of her personality disorder? Depression is a horrible illness but sufferers shouldn’t be dictating the activities and mood of the household around them, that’s not part of the illness. If your son is creating a situation where the rest of the family is walking on eggshells, I would suggest that something else is going on and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.

The GP may be the first stop for both of you, perhaps.

Look op, I really do understand. I have a son with ADHD and ASD who also has MH difficulties and I am just now coming to terms with what having him in the house throughout my old age will mean. It is not easy and I don't deny I have to control and process my resentment but I also know that my reacrions are not always based on reality.
I also grew up with an emotionally difficult parent ( my father) who had been traumatised by an impoverished and neglected childhood so this colours my view too.

However think about your first sentence

<<I grew up with a clinically depressed mother who also has some sort of personality disorder arising from a neglected childhood>

How you help your son through his MH difficulties could be the difference between him ending up like your mother or as a functioning person. MH can be managed and it is not a given that the person with MH problems can't recover and manage their symptoms long term. They can do that but it is most likely to happen if they have a loving supportive environment in their formative years.

Seriously, you cannot conclude son 'got' anything from OPs side of the family.

No, she doesn't. Take your vitriol elsewhere.

It can actually feel like that for someone living with it daily - the immense burden of caring for and living with someone with any chronic illness is well documented.

@CrazyGoatLady i don’t need a lecture on mental health thank you. I’ve had a lifetime of it

Take your your vitriol elsewhere.

There is masses of evidence as it’s well known to be the case.

I hear you as in a similar situation. It’s gruelling. I think creating boundaries, support for you, holding on to positives and remembering it’s a journey are key. Are there any peer support groups near you.

You’re clearly a lovely mum and are supportive but need ( and deserve ) support, solidarity and encouragement for yourself too.

Gosh. Does demanding people bend to your will usually work?

Because I’ve got a bridge to sell you…

neglecting and shunning a child with depression and moaning and feeling resentful about it it’s utterly utterly selfish.

This is Ger child, she’s the parent.

she needs to get over herself and step up.
and I suspect you’re clear your selfish parent and thinking he’s perfectly okay for her to do this. The result is going to be that her child will be very much like her mother because he will also lived in Childhood where he was neglected by his emotional needs, we’re just neglected because his mother was too busy being upset upset about him having a mental mental illness.

There is evidence, definitely, however @SnooperLoopy's DS could have inherited from either side of the family, and her mum's issues sound a bit less clear cut. It sounds a bit like my own mother, who comes from a family of emotionally immature adult siblings, pretty much all caused by how they were treated as children (the details of which I won't go into). I've eventually come to process how I way affected by my mum's unhealed trauma, and have done my best not to let it shape my parenting. Sadly there will always be the odd trigger for me however. It sounds like OP is terrified of having to live in such an oppressed way again, as opposed to having no care for her son. If you've had a good childhood and not experienced this sort of thing then you won't understand.