Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Per week. £2k per week. If you can find a non profit, slightly less. I've just had a respite break and the average cost where I am is £2K per week. If you are self funding, you pay extra to subsidise local authority funded residents.

DH and I are stacking away as much as we can. As a PP said, one or other of us might need care. But we don't discuss it with children.

I kind of agree if that money is to last him for 20 years or more of retirement. It's money to get by on carefully not money to burn.

My grandmother (in her late 90s) lives alone with minimal care costs and is still hoarding money and worrying about how much things cost. I dont want her money but I want her to relax and spend her last few years in comfort.

But she grew up fairly poor and is very much from a generation that needed to count every penny so its just what comes naturally.

Not many people need expensive long term residential care, only about 4%. I wouldn't be saving for that, personally.

No because most people opt for care in their homes of some sort. You dont have to be bed bound to need carers to come in, you may need support to cook safely, to get around safely, clean yourself, the basic cleaning of the house, gardner, you cant do DIY anymore so have to pay someone to do it, take cabs to appointments becuase you cant drive anymore, may need private operations because no one cares if you're old and need a hip replacing or you can wait for ever in agony for things generally speaking anyway, see the gall stone threads.

Being old and incapable cost a lot of money. Hopefully you're saving the best you can for your old age too

250k is easily spent, especially if he needs care in later life and taxes are a worry.
but IMO YANBU. I think there's a great deal of misunderstanding between generations about the realities and challenges of each other's situations.

You don’t have a right to it and £250K may not be as much as you think. However I think people on MN often go too far with “how dare you expect a penny”. Parents don’t owe their grown children but you have a responsibility not to rub it in their faces if you’ve got hundreds of thousands in the bank. It’s also very hard to watch when they have a child who is struggling and an amount that is really not very significant would be meaningfully used. (The same parents may have no issues with expecting labour from those children as in one of the pp in this thread who could use private medical treatment.)

i think some people cross a line into pathological frugality when they deprive themselves of basics like decent food and adequate heating. Even more so when as some do, it’s almost a form of martyrdom. They take pride in suffering and doing without. The idea of savings takes over and makes it impossible to use it today. That’s why people like this always emphasise “you’ll inherit it”. They can’t use it now. That would defeat the purpose. The money is a form of psychological defence. It can’t be spent. It’s funny that people talk about care fees because when this thinking goes to its extreme, people will insist on staying home with inadequate care until they either die or lack the competence to refuse.

It’s sad as they can’t enjoy their lives and it hurts their relationships with others.

Private healthcare where I am is big business, hips and knees especially. If that helps keep people independent then it makes life easier for their loved ones. Ditto cleaners.

I'd certainly encourage them to spend on that for themselves.

Wow, gransnet! I help out my adult children as much as I can now that I don't have a mortgage to pay. Life is much tougher for them than it was for me (generational - I had no family financial support). OP's parents certainly had it much easier. Cheap housing and excellent pensions and now they are reaping the benefits. Imagine mumsnet posters queueing up to crow with awful accusations as OP's parents brag about how much money they've got and are stingy to the max with their own children and grandchildren. What an awful way to treat your own family.

Maybe you should appeal to his instincts and suggest he max out your children's Junior SIPPs, so that they can enjoy retirement one day?

The money is locked away until retirement age and he might see that as a worthy and sensible thing to do with his excess cash.

It’s really not a small percentage. Upwardly mobile adult children who have moved away for better employment opportunities etc is not uncommon.

Retired parents have to consider their own needs in the latter stages of their lives, it can become very costly and I think most financially savvy people will plan for the worst case scenario whilst hoping their end will come quickly before a care/nursing home becomes necessary.

My plan is to stay in my own home as long as possible and pay for things such as a gardener, window cleaner, home deliveries, cleaner and pay for medical needs as and when I require them. Unfortunately the best laid plans often take an unexpected turn.

I can afford to do this as I worked for 42 years in a high paced and stressful environment. I’ve worked hard for my occupational pension and I should be able to enjoy the rewards in the latter part of my life.

I frequently help out my adult children financially, not because they expect it but because it gives me pleasure to do so. If I thought for one minute they would be resentful if I didn’t, I’d be extremely disappointed.

I'd lay on the guilt saying things like how hard it is to save for the kid's school uniforms so you don't have to go to the second hand school sale. See how he reacts. If he offers to pay you know that he does have a bit of generosity underneath. If not, he is just a miserable old Scrooge and you will have been forewarned of what he will expect from you when he is very old and ill. He will expect you to do everything for free and get nasty when you don't do his bidding.

His mistake was telling you about his savings - it came across as boasting but he may just have been letting you know how sensible he's being? 'I'm pleased for you Dad but we're struggling financially at the moment so forgive me if I don't jump up and down!' Keep it to banter and let it go.

Well not to be harsh or offend anyone but with any luck the legalisation of assisted dying will come and be widened over time from only terminal diagnosis to a more Canada like situation (and yes I know there are issues) so worrying about funding years of care won't be such a priority for those that choose that route. If I am in a position to help my kids or grandkids I'd much much rather do that than use it to pay for a few years of incredibly limited life. My parents feel the same. Ex in-laws however are more like the OP's dad.

Ultimately yes, it's the older person's choice of course and it's problematic to think that younger relatives might hope or seek that "solution" on their behalf but my personal preference would be as I described.

Stacks of money in the bank but never see a show/go for a meal or buy toys for the GC? That's just awful, but I think a lot of people have a problem with money in this way. i.e. are incredibly reluctant to spend money on anything, even if they have quite a bit. It's sort of the reverse of someone who has a spending problem, isn't it.

I developed a real distaste for tight people when I had a flatmate like that. She worked in the City, had about 250k in the bank at 25, yet lived in our crappy flat, and refused to have the heating on in the winter except in extremis. One February, our three-month gas central heating bill was 11 pounds. (This was 25 years ago, but still.) She refused to cook a fishcake once that she'd planned to have for dinner, saying that the electricity to cook such a small piece of food was too much! She was so, so mean. I was cold a lot in that place, and it put me off stingy people for life!

It's amazing how much the way we spend money is tied up in our psychology.

That's quite unusual if he had previously worked. Did he have mental health problems or something you never knew about?

There's always the assumption that they've worked hard all their lives, they may not have. Lots of that generation retired very very early and their wives were housewives. They just got lucky on the property lottery.

Or you could take the not manipulative approach and just ask for help with the uniforms.

I agree with OP. Why hoard money as you get older. The government are going to have a chunk in the long term. We are not on the same level as OP father. However we are comfortable and give the annual allowance to our 6 dgc in premium bonds for their future until 18.
Next year we are taking the family abroad for a holiday they’re in the lucky position that they don’t need help day to day.
We would rather spend and enjoy than save. When they needed help in the past they got it. Our properties are in trust for them.
Why save poor health can hit at any time.
Enjoy seeing the family benefit while you are here.

Indeed. But it's not long term residential care which is quite a different price point.

I couldn’t agree more.

What a nasty comment.

He saved prudently for old age, as everyone should. That is nothing he needs feel guilty about.

£250k is bare bones old age, especially if he’s only in his 60s. he is hardly Scrooge.

Around half of first time buyers get financial help from relatives. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cly1jzl9eedo

19% are supporting their adult children, a third using their savings https://www.aldermore.co.uk/newsroom/37-million-uk-parents-are-funding-their-adult-childrens-savings-habits/

We've passed on substantial amounts to our kid and a much smaller amount to our grandkid. We also give money to other relatives with children. Some dont bother to say thanks so the COL crisis may be our excuse to stop doing this.

You dont have a right to someone else's money and old age is expensive. God forbid you should expect a lift to hospital once in a while so you'll need to fund your own taxis. Nail cutting may be beyond your arthritic hands so you may pay not because you want to but because you have to do. You get your hair done because those arthritic hands cant wash it any more. You pay to get the gutters and the windows cleaned, to get your shopping delivered, higher amounts for dental care and your glasses, maybe for health care unless you want to die waiting for treatment.

My mum sometimes sadly says to me that she has more money than she knows what to do with. I live month to month in abject poverty, I prioritise my children over my own needs, often wearing shoes with holes in and not going to the dentist. I don’t mind she’s a millionaire but I do get annoyed with inability to read the room. The irony is that we live a really joyful life and she is miserable.