Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Mind you, I suppose the people who buy expensive cars, clothes etc are the same in a way. It's just a different way of showing off your money. Lots of older people spend money on expensive holidays or things rather than their children and grandchildren. He has to mention his bank account as it's the only way people would know he has money.

Bet you anything he’ll expect OP to look after him in his dotage

You won’t be resenting his hoarding when it comes to paying for care home fees.
And don’t you think he has sacrificed and done without in order to save his money?

Wild assumption

There is nothing quite as repulsive as anyone who feels entitled to dictate / judge someone else's wealth and spending. This is not yours to control, focus on improving your own situation rather than worrying about how your parents choose to live.

I'm sorry but those thinking they have a say in their parents positive financial situation are repugnant.

This exactly. It’s not as if he has 250 million pounds and isn’t offering to help. He has a normal amount of savings for someone of that generation who has worked and it’s very possible that money will be used up for care or medical needs at somepoint.

It’s what all the boomers in my family were counting on 🤷‍♀️ Sadly there’s only one of me to go around, so I had to pick the elderly relative I liked best to take care of, and the rest will just have to sort themselves out. But boy are they not happy about it!

It's totally valid to feel that way.
You can be hurt and also know that they earned that money and can do as they please with it.
My parents were quite wealthy and yet there were points of my early adult life where I couldn't afford to eat some days.
They could have helped but they didn't.
They also made some decisions that were very selfish. I won't bore you with details but think 100k on full size heated swimming pool when my mum couldn't swim etc amongst other things. They left the country to live somewhere hotter when I was still a teen.. I'm an only child and was then alone in the UK

I have 3 kids and work in healthcare and had to suffer to afford the deposit for my first home.
My parents never saved anything up for me. I left home at 18 with nothing.
I have savings accounts for all my kids. And I earn a fraction of what my parents did. I would never ever see any of my kids go hungry for a day, even as adults.
I can't fathom it really.
It's what it represents in terms of priorities. It is hurtful. I totally understand.
I love my parents and I don't think I'm entitled to their money. It's just what their choices mean to me about where I am in their priorities.. and sadly it doesn't feel like I have ever ranked highly

My ILs have also hoarded vast amounts of money, but they’re obsessed with it paying for their care if Needed when they’re potentially infirm, which is understandable. They do, at times, help us financially, and our children get money for their long term savings each Christmas and birthday. As PP have said, £250k won’t go that far if he’s in care for eg 5-10 years, so it’s good that he has that saved

We are not all the same . I certainly won’t be expecting my son and his family to take care of me. I wouldn’t dream of it .

I can totally relate. Myy dad hoards...very wealthy man.
Quite happy to spend £750 on a historical artefact ( which turned out to be fake and worthless).
If I asked for a tenner though? Woe betide me.
Begrudgingly helped with weddng but was moaning about how much i cost growing up. Lovely.

Its rude and insensitive of him to keep going on about how much money he has and how easy his life is especially given your situation trying to provide for a family. However, I don't think he should feel obligated to share his money. Having £250,000 in savings is not excessive and could easily be eaten up in medical or care costs down the line as others have said.

I empathise with you, my DM is rich but for her own emotional reasons finds it hard to spend money on anyone but herself whilst thinking is no money - when she has at least £300K in savings. I've learnt thats her and the say she is.

She has never felt the pleasure in being able to help her children finacially and see the benefits it has in their lives. Due her attitude towards money, she has taught me to be the complete oppisite of her, as I know the hurt it causing to be the way she is.

But it's none of your business what they do with it. It is their money. Your opinion is not relevant. And unfair.

"A conservative amount for care costs" - With care at up to £8k a month, £250k is less than three years. Is that split between a couple? So less than 18 months each !

Suppose they need care at home, and the house needs adapting for a wheelchair. Unless he is a millionaire ten times over, there is no conservative amount.

Why wouldn’t you want to give to your children and grandchildren, that’s what I am doing!

Yes, he might have amassed excess wealth compared to your daily sacrifices; but at this point you’re a grown adult fully capable of amassing your own funds independently of him. He doesn’t need to give you anything to boost your quality of life and chances are he may leave those funds to you anyway. So I’m at a loss about where you want to go from here…

Ultimately, yes older generations have had it much easier than younger generations but that doesn’t entitle you to his money if he isn’t freely offering it

Nailed it
So grasping and all the moaning about bringing up 2 kids, it's what adults do when they have children
Stop spending money on crap!

It's a hard one to navigate. My father stopped work aged 40 when I was 5, I literally have no memories of him ever having a job. We were raised on the tax payer's money & I was relentlessly bullied at school because of it. Then experiencing this bone idle, entitled man looking for places & ways to hide money so his old age benefits didn't get affected was sickening. The amount of money that man had when he died, and not a penny of it earned, was obscene. He'd been a looked after person for 45 years, how the hell could he have amassed £50k while having a perfectly comfortable life? I took great pleasure in blowing my £10k inheritance on my children, I hope he was watching & I hope he turned in his grave.

As you say it is his money, but if he were to need to go into a care home that money wouldn’t last long! The average decent care home costs in excess of £2k a month so it would dwindle away! Maybe that’s why he’s hoarding it!

'struggle through uni, driving lessons'

This is such a middle class comment!

What a problem to have, that you're going to uni and taking driving lessons

No one is obliged to do anything with their money, no one is forced to go to learn to drive before they can afford it, no one is even forced to go to uni really. Do these things to progress yourself, fine, but dont rely on someone else to pay for it.

I read it as that person doesn’t want to spend money paying to live in a care home when they can be state funded.

Well, anyone who hands over money simply because somebody 'demands' it is going to end up poor! Your friends need to learn to say no,

The irony is that most of the people who view others as 'hoarding money' aka savings and being sensible and frugal, probably spend untold wasted amounts of Shein and Temu crap, throwaway items, fast fashion, new cars on finance, completely unnecessary things but bemoan that they havent got any money

Its fine to have those things but not if you're then resenting the fact tht someone else has savings because they dont do those things or they can afford to do both.

The spending habits of the majority in this country are really wasteful and bizarre but they view people who save as bizarre

Why would you.assume that?

I do think it’s quite entitled that younger adults think their parents money belongs to them and their children. However DH and I are late 50s and wish we had probably saved more but I keep buying our adult kids things, like a brand new bed this month, and I’m putting money away for her house deposit. I just don’t see the point of the government getting it in tax when our children can have it.