Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

We are going to spend and drip feed monies away from much much earlier. I’ve been in and out of care homes all my working life, and the worst ‘care’ is not always in the homes you might expect! Often quite the reverse. If I get to 80plus with little left I’ll take my chances.

It’s his money, he can do whatever he wants with it. FIL had dementia and was paying £5000pm to be in a specialist care home, so your dad’s money won’t last long if he needs care, and it’s nice for him to have the financial choice in where he can go.

Wow, what a horrible suggestion. So the plan is to emotionally manipulate his dad and test him like a lab rat to see if he is generous enough . That says more about you then him .

He isn’t interested in his own flesh and blood. I think that’s something to feel guilty about. This isn’t only about money, if you properly read OP’s posts. But people like him never feel guilty, because they’re incapable of self-reflection and lack self-awareness.

I think it is a generational thing.
Also if parents had it tough financially as children this carries through into adulthood and means they find it very difficult to spend or share money.
My DF was like this but we were always very poor growing up. It wasn't until my DF's later years he was able to save but he got more pleasure out of seeing his savings grow than spending the money.
It is sad because when he died he had a good few grand stashed away which, instead of leaving to us, I would much rather he had spent on himself.
Please don't get upset over it OP, often relationships with money are complicated and stem from a place of insecurity.

This is the sort of thing that’s really not on and I support anyone who wants to tell a parent off for it. If you have a lot in savings you don’t complain about it, especially to someone who is struggling.

OP just let him know that the state will be very grateful that he has saved so much money as current care home fees for non specialist care are currently in the region of £2400 / week for somewhere nice.
Oh and the next budget will see him massively clobbered for tax- if the loud rumours are true.

It's likely a generation thing too. We know that the boomers think the millennium are lazy and money wasters compared to them at the same age. They believe millennials value instant gratification over investment and savings. They are not completely wrong.

As for the relationship with grandchildren, I think it often goes both ways. You only gave to read all the threads here with millennials fully ruling the relationship between young children and grandparents. Everything under their terms, when it suits them, wanting grandparents to help but not trusting them as guardians. As a result, the bond between grandparents and grandchildren doesn't form as it used to. Grandchildren see their grandparents as source of financial funds primarily and grandparents feel used and taken for granted.

New families do not help themselves and their kids when they consider it their full right to dictate their parents what type of grandparents they should be. The outcome is what you describe sadly.

Similar situation here.
Parents are 'well off' in retirement. They both worked hard so they deserve it. But, what really irks me is the total disparity between their lives and mine. Even my siblings had it easier. They bought house only a couple of years before me and yet my house of similar size was almost 3x as much due to the early 2000 property boom. They're all mortgage free now, enjoying life etc whereas I still have 19yrs left on my mortgage and will be working until im 70 no doubt.
I don't begrudge anyone what they've earned but its their total lack of understanding towards how different life is for us. I just get told I should have saved better or invested more...... yeah right thats it ....🙄🙄

Boundaries on the GP relationship are a parental right and duty (from Gen X).

You may not remember how things were for them when they started out. We'll be okay in retirement (a position we could never have dreamed of as a young couple) but we started out renting, deciding which bill was getting missed that month because we couldn't pay them all, considering selling the house when we finally bought a tiny one because it was financially killing us, etc. My children have no knowledge or memory of those times.

This is really common in older people. As they approach their twilight years they worry a lot about having enough money to pay for decent care.

My grandmother also had a real thing about wanting to leave a big estate. She had a notion it was a sign of affluence/wealth. To her, giving the money away while you are still alive didn't have quite the same cachet.

I think its about security primarily, when you no longer have the capacity to earn well.

I agree. Grasping and completely unaware of how much retirement costs.

If he likes saving tax, you could use that to suggest he sets up a trust fund for your children, that way they can avoid inheritance tax later on.

He might be more inclined to save for them rather than spend the money now.

£4-5 million and not giving any away?! That’s bonkers!

It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

This is the part of your post that struck me the most.
It's so sad that he doesn't spend his remaining time enjoying his life and his family.

At current prices nursing home care is at least a grand a week. £250K might cover 3 years in a decent nursing home.

I agree with this. It’s not expecting their money or being grabby but it is a bit upsetting to have to listen to someone bang on about how much money they have. Times are different now- student loans, expensive property, cost of living. It’s not just a case of spend less, save more.

That assumes that everyone in a care home or assisted living (which costs a bomb) is living a limited life.

What about children who hav limited lives, shall we kill them off as well?

I think you're going to get a shock in later life!

Its not the same cost as residential care of course, but you're likely to need that sort of intervention much longer in your life and a couple of private ops and interventions and day to day care and it will rack up

Dont be naive or money foolish, save now while you can

Well he’s in a care home after trying to kill himself when he realised he couldn’t live at home anymore - so while I’m sure he’d love to be dead, without assisted suicide we’d prefer him to be spared the trauma of trying to do that again.

But actually I thought the same until I visited his care home - and it’s really nice and I’d genuinely move in there tomorrow. It’s more all inclusive resort than old people’s home!

When did it become acceptable to boast about savings unprompted?

There’s a big difference between “we’re making the effort to save properly to make sure we can pay for care” as part of a family conversation about future planning, and banging on in the vein of “guess how much cash I’ve got stashed in the bank, isn’t that a big number? I never had it so good!” in front of someone that has much less. A feeling of resentment isn’t exactly unusual in that circumstance so I think it’s a bit unfair to be calling Op grabby when she’s effectively having it rubbed in her face.

Why is the latter acceptable when it’s a parent but not if it’s a friend? He doesn’t particularly sound like someone that wants to pay for care, and it’s certainly an only assumption PPs have made about his intention. Some people just like to have money and to talk about it because they tie it to their sense of self-worth.

Exactly. Every generation has its problems.

People now expect to live in their 20s-40s as comfortably as those in their 50s-60s despite the latter putting in decades of additional work & savings. It’s ridiculous entitlement.

It was the year of £20k per month round the clock psychiatric care that really drained the savings, and the fact that he’s now not just paying for his care home - he’s still paying for his old house, the costs and to make sure his wife is fed and clothed out of his pension as she doesn’t have any income of her own.

And his pension is indexed linked so it wasn’t always £100k.

But again - we are all so grateful that he was able to save that so that when he was in a mental health crisis we had all of the options available to him, because the secure NHS ward he was sectioned onto was not a pleasant place.

Threads on here are full of it, shock horror a downstairs bathroom, shock horror, no ensuite, shock horror a dated and 'tired' kitchen, shock horror the kids sharing rooms until they're teens, shock horror a 'miniscule box room'

This is what I had growing up, its normal, nothing wrong with it but people are so expectant and entitled they literally cant see how much others didnt have.