Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

what is the point of it if its not to help your kids/ grandkids and enjoy seeing them benefit? Of course there might be care fees in the future if not the taxman will be happy .

totally agree.

Do you know much about care costs and deprivation of assets?

Anyway, it's his money, he can do what he likes with it. And if you are struggling to pay the electric bill etc @Antisocialg1t have you actually asked him to help? If you have and he said no, that's different. But I'm thinking you would've mentioned it if that happened.

What’s bizarre about it? Wish people here would stop pensioner bashing. saving money is a habit deeply ingrained in anyone that grew up either in wartime or with wartime parents. I’m one of them and I have money to spend now but still can’t bring myself to spend loads of money on stuff that is not necessary, in my opinion. I’ve given loads on money away to my family but it’s money I’ve worked hard for all my life through coupon cutting, sandwiches out, walking instead of taking a bus or paying for parking..I could go on and on. I was just grateful that my parents left me some money which they had accumulated in a similar fashion.

Go and earn your own money op, instead of thinking you are in some way 'entitled' to your father's. Disgusting attitude.

But you’re not comparing like with like? You see the great standard of living your parents have, but they are at a completely different point in their life cycle. Presumably when you and your siblings were the age your children are now, your parents had far less cash to save.

Lovely. Who’s going to pay for care if you need it? Everyone else?

YABU imo.

What would you have done if your dad was broke? Would you have found a way to move forward? Plenty of people manage without parents with tonnes of cash / assets.

You're an adult and responsible for yourself. No one owes you anything.

My mum is retired and has a great deal of assets. She's also the stingiest person I know. I don't care, her money is hers.

I don't buy into the notion we are just here to pile a tonne of cash so our kids can enjoy it when we die. Let your parents do as they please with their hard earned money.

Why do you think he didn’t struggle when he was your age, raising you and your siblings?
also 250k disappears quite quickly in care home fees, so even though he’s talking a lot about it, maybe it’s coming from a place of financial insecurity.
my dad hardly spends anything- I pay for almost everything when we are together but I’m pretty sure it’s because he feels he is living off his savings and has no income … he’s also v frugal with himself generally.

It's the nursing home fees that worry many these days. My friends mum died the very month the money ran out. That was 15 years ago the amount £250k.

My amazing parents who worked hard, saved hard. Then ended up with (between them) wicked osteo and rhemetoid arthritis, hell of Parkinsons, and more and have a (hopefully enough) nest egg to see them through the diginified last stage of life that they deserve. At a glance it seems like they have a bomb of money while we the next gen are freaking out paying for uni, motgage in an unafforadable good school area etc. But really they have "hoarded" so we don't have to worry or take that pressure on. They could (should?) have blown it but the so called hoarding is the best gift they could have given my sibbling and me - they can make independent decisions on how to spend this really tricky stage of life with independence and automnomy. I know they hope they will leave something for thier grandkids but more importantly they have saved and planned for the reality of how ridiclously expensive life gets when you need a lot of care and not earning and not leaving it to your kids to fund or be at the mercy of the reality of a hugely underfunded adult social care situation ... it's dire and am enourmosly gratefully my parents can self fund if there is anything left then cool ...

why does them being frugal with themselves drive you mad? Surely the more they saved the better it is for you ( you won’t have to financially support them )
I have a lot of friends who have to give their parents money every month … one of my friends’ dads smokes and drinks and likes going to pubs and demanded money to fund his lifestyle… so I don’t see what you’re complaining about here…

Care homes are expensive. £1200 per week means £4,800 a month so £57,600 a year. If there are medical needs or dementia then it will cost a lot more. So if you put granny in a home and she is there for 7 years without any medical support/dementia then with inflation you will not see any change out of say easily £415,000. A friend’s mother has been in homes for 10 years without any the last three being dementia support (pricey south-east), the care home has dragged her estate to below the IHT threshold.

Both my parents (divorced) had very little but when my father died and later when I took over my mother's affairs I found they were supporting 7 or 8 charities between them. I have significantly more wealthy in laws that have confirmed they do not support any charities. In fact they have a rather bitter and sneering approach to the idea of helping anyone they aren't related to. I'd add they haven't financially helped relatives either yet although they seem to spend much of their time anticipating leaving it after their death. I'm beginning to think their is an element of ego attached to it. It feels quite sad as their children are doing well enough that I don't think it will mean as much to them to receive it as it does to them to leave it, if that makes sense. I can't help thinking everyone would have benefitted more if they had emotionally nutured their relationship with their children and spent more of the money making memories with them.

Hope hes going to be happy to spend it all.in care home fees potentially

This. The greedy resentment and entitlement on her is off the charts.

£250k Isn’t all that much, either, to fund old age & care home.

Exactly.

Missed the @Antisocialg1t dad has 250k saved. So that’s only 4 years of care home fees assuming no medical or dementia needs for one person.

You are lovely.

I don’t feel entitled to my father’s money. But I do think it’s sad when I consider how much help his own parents gave him and I will never have the same.

It is on that basis that I understand where you are coming from and I empathise with you.

that is full stop the worst thing I have seen on here. Your are actually saying no one in your life is worth more than £1,000

You say “parents” hoarding, but you only really mention your dad in your few posts. Does your dad “control” funds for your mum?

I find these types of posts difficult to comment on for various reasons. At the end of the day, it really is their money to do what they want with. Your description of him re wood and foraging suggests their maybe something deeply ingrained with him from younger years regarding not having enough or being deprived. That can lead to “hoarding” what you have for fear of going back to that scenario.

I do get that it can feel frustrating and unfair, when someone has more and doesn’t freely offer help. But I think you need to come to peace with the fact that it probably won’t change. If you want to break it down, brutally, I’m assuming that you will inherit from them? If so, you may well be grateful for how much they’ve “hoarded” over the years.

I’d continue to focus on your immediate family and ignore any “boasting” from their side. Alternatively, maybe have a sit down and explain how you feel? Either way, decide a course of action/frame of thought that works best for you and stick to it for your own well-being.

Similar situation with my parents. They have several million which came almost entirely from inheritance from my GP.

They have never had to have a mortgage or any pressure to earn anything during their lifetime as they received this money at a young age.

My siblings and I and our DC have never
benefited at all. They act as if they are custodians of this money and have to protect it at all costs. They spend as little as possible. They have never been on holiday, never owned a passport. They drive old cars and are forever looking for discounts. They have no internet and live as if they are virtually penniless.

The ridiculous thing of course is that literally millions will be taken in IHT although I suspect that because they won’t be around to see that happen they pretend it isn’t an inevitable outcome.

It is frustrating particularly since our cousins whose parents also had similar size inheritances from the same source have all been bought properties and had very large sums filtered down to them over the years.

I’m very much in the people can do what they want with their own money camp however at times it is tough to understand how preference can be to pay IHT rather than to support your DC and DGC.

They are at a different life stage than you. Do you think they had $2500000 in the bank when you were a child. No. You have a very poor me selfish attitude. They don’t owe you money or babysitting.

Oh sure OP. Very obvious political propaganda.