Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

I’d never want my parents to go without, but equally I’d never want my children or grandchildren to go without either.

YANBU but I doubt he’ll see it that way, unless he’s insightful as to how hard it is for younger generations now. Boasting is certainly bad form though, he may accept that.

No one has a right to have their care paid for- that has never been the aim of the welfare state- if you can afford your own care, with cash or assets, then the assumption is that you will and that you should.
Many of these posters expecting help from parents don't seem to realise you fund your own life you raise children and then they fund their own lives- it's the circle of life.
Many of the posters who claim to be "struggling" but they will never have been hungry, had to walk because they can't afford transport, or been cold long term- most every boomer has experienced these things in their lives- what makes these posters feel they have the right to never experience these things? Your parents have a higher standard of living than you, definitely but more than likely you have a far higher standard of living than your parents or grandparents had at your age. Why should people who have worked all their lives and struggled whose children have grown up and finally have a little surplus spend their money on children they have already spent thousands and thousands of pounds on?
They might chose to do so, but there is no reason in the world why the should feel obliged to do so-grow up, the world shifts and changes and comparisons are unhelpful and misleading, be thankful if you get help, but don't expect any.

When did people having savings suddenly turn into people 'hoarding money'. What an absolutely awful mindset and way to think. What on earth is wrong with wanting to save money for retirement? People worry about being able to afford quality care, so it's prudent to put money aside for that.

To describe it as hoarding sounds very entitled as though you think your parents should give the money to you because they don't need it, rather than thinking about what their future needs might be.

My mum lived a very frugal life in a low paid job. When she died I was astonished to see how much money she had saved. I didn't at all think that she had been 'hoarding it', I guess she saw her mum end up in a nursing home and how expensive it was and wanted to make sure she would be cared for. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, and awful to describe it as 'hoarding money'.

We are £110 a month for energy (although we are always significantly in credit) so that's £1320 for 2 adults, one child and a teenager some of the time. We work entirely from home and keep the house very warm. I'm sure if we spent 8 hrs a day outside the house , didn't keep the heating at 22, and didn't accrue credit every month, it could be £800.

It sounds as though you have a very well insulated home. We are all high ceilings and a large amount of double glazed glass. I pay £150 every month and do get in credit.

We are same as you op. DH and I parents don't have a clue... Talk about how to find the best returns for their hoardes of wealth .. while we have a massive mortgage etc. DH and I cannot fathom how they hoard it all... We are going to give our wealth to our dcs to help them. Similar to you x

Then you’ll be fucked if you need care in your old age. You should be delighted your parents are fiscally responsible, it will all be yours eventually if they don’t need to spend it on care.

No, they won’t because the state will pay,

A surprising number of people think that you should be able to give all your money away/not have to sell your house and then the state should pay for your care.

They will - but then you will have no choice in care home. They might be placed somewhere not particularly local, and with not great facilities. Personally I wouldn’t enjoy my parents’ money of if I thought they would then have no choice re care.

It won’t. It’s called deprivation of assets and local authorities go back a long way when they check for this. It’s naive in the extreme to think this is the case. Added to which, even if you don’t need care, if you die within seven years of giving it away it’s liable for inheritance tax.

@CryMyEyesViolet and this is exactly why I think we need to bring in a 2% totally ringfenced employee NI surcharge after 40 - purely for social care - anyone not working has to make a £10 a week contribution too . The first £80,000 of assets can be used towards care homes or social care at home - after that the insurance kicks in -charge to be put against property too if one person remains in the home. It’s unfair that some people end up on their own , go into care and all their money goes on care , whereas if a partner still at home the other person with no separate assets gets care covered off and paid for .

itcwoukd release more money for local authorities too many of whom are in a dire position no small party due to funding elderly social care .im pretty sure this wasn’t always the local authorities full cost. Other country’s have this kind of long term care system . And please don’t say it only benefits low earners, would protect a lot of people who have tons of assets too .

You can give what you want as long as it’s done early and whilst you’re healthy, then you won’t be done for deprivation of assets. Where people go wrong is doing it when it’s too late.

Also, no, it isn’t necessarily the case the money will be liable for IHT if the donor dies within seven years because that depends on the amount of the donor’s estate.

No wonder so many people are going to struggle in retirement, if you can only see older people holding and managing investments as "hoarding money". There is something really unpleasant about a lot of the posts on this thread, as if once someone hits a certain age they should no longer be entitled to their own property.

I'm not talking about the criticism of bragging etc- no one could defend that- and I'm planning to make substantial gifts to my kids while I'm still alive if all goes well. But there seems to be some real ignorance on here about the level of investments a retired person needs to maintain a reasonable standard of living (even if they don't need care) and a sense that some people expect their parents just to hand over the cash and then die please. Taking as just one example PP above who is outraged that her retired parents are managing their investment returns while she has a large mortgage- you have a mortgage when you're of working age because you can earn money to pay it off. You invest for the future so that when you're retired you can live off your investment returns. Comparing your financial circs at eg 40 with your parents at 70 is completely pointless and makes you sound really dreadful.

1. state pension probably won’t exist in a few years
2. people will need to work until they die….but those who’s parents have ‘hoarded’ their own money will inherit money, pension & property from their parents
3. those who have inherited will be able to retire early with a lump sum4.
4. no change from now!
5. Parents…keep hoarding that money!

This is very true. Posters are incredibly naive about the cost of: a. reasonable retirement; b. Low level of care, c. FT care. And just how long people can live with illness and infirmity. They seem to think they’re entitled to their parents’ hard-earned and hard-saved money.

My father has exceeded all his medical prognoses and is currently costing 100k pa. My aunt who had dementia, cost 80-90k pa for 10 years - that’s nearly a million.

But 250k is not a lot of money. It's not as if he's sitting on 25m.

You're not unreasonable to feel this way. It is his money and he can stockpile it if he wants but it doesn't make him a nice person to watch his family struggle and boast about his piles of money.
We have a similar person in our family. Always boasting about how much money he has and how he is struggling to spend it. Even implied he is frittering some of it away just to get rid of it. But apparently that doesn't include helping anyone else out. He's always been a nasty character though so it doesn't surprise me at all. His money, his choice but people do judge him by it.

Great post.

I also think some PP are overly optimistic about the quality of care in some state funded retirement homes. Even when council funded residents live in the same homes as privately funded residents, they can live in different wings of the building with different amenities, different food, different care schedules and different social activities.

My parents are spending down my inheritance in a private facility and it will only get more expensive as their need for care escalates. My reaction is, good for them. I couldn’t enjoy an inheritance that resulted from compromised care.

I don't mean all our wealth! 😂 I just mean I'm also not going to sit on everything and worry about it.

It counts as part of an estate so yes it is liable.

1. state pension probably won’t exist in a few years - only if the population is stupid enough to vote in governments who would even think of abolishing them.
2. people will need to work until they die….but those who’s parents have ‘hoarded’ their own money will inherit money, pension & property from their parents - see above.
3. those who have inherited will be able to retire early with a lump sum4.
4. no change from now!
5. Parents…keep hoarding that money!

Save the money and IHT will take 40% over a certain amount. I intend to give it away hard and fast if I'm spared by about 70. Live in rented and trust my son, could be an error but I'd rather give him the leg up.

Completely get it @Antisocialg1t .

My remaining parent has assets of £4million, and 1/2 a million of that is in cash.

I find it dreadfully difficult having the same tone deaf conversations with her- ‘I have no interest in the money, I have more than I know what to do with’ etc etc and in the same breath ‘I don’t want to give it all to the taxman’, and moaning about paying tax on all the interest she makes. She has been repeatedly told by her financial advisor to spend large amounts or give it away.

When I’ve made suggestions, obviously firstly that she spends it on herself, and when that didn’t get any traction (she doesn’t want to go on holiday alone, she doesn’t want to go with us, she doesn’t fancy the theatre, she’s not interested in clothes, has too much jewellery already etc), suggested she could always give some to my siblings and I for ‘sensible’ things like house repairs etc she then ‘jokes’ and says she likes sitting on it and then does a 180 and says actually giving half of it to the taxman won’t worry her as she’ll be dead.

I think it’s the same conversations on repeat that I have to smile along with that is souring how I feel about it. If she said actually I’ve used the NHS, etc and I want to give back to the state would be a completely different matter… but having the same conversations over and over where she presents her problem (‘too much’ money) but completely ignores the solution (spend it or share it) is wearing at best.

Whilst none of us are on the bones of our arses, like almost everyone there’s always something we’re saving for, eg driving lessons for the teen, tuition or sports classes for the younger ones, house repairs, new baby on the way when made redundant etc. So it’s hard listening to ‘woe is me, I have too much money and don’t know what to do with it’.

Mumsnet has become a breeding ground for parties to test their political ambitions in an unsubtle manner.