Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Cars are on the never, never though. Two cars on a lease. There's a big chunk going out monthly. Eating out has risen a lot. Heating, council tax gone up a lot too. It's swings and roundabouts these days. Your salary increases are gone in an instant.

Judging by the amount of people who are eating out and out drinking in our town there are quite a few. Of ALL age groups. And there seems to be lots of cars with 25 and 75 plates about also

Certain types of CH don’t accept payment from local authorities so you have to pay for it yourself (and guarantee that you have three years of fees in liquid assets). Imo it is disgraceful discrimination against, mostly, dementia sufferers.

Just crazy behaviour! I'm so sorry....

My parents would give me their last pound if it helped and they are not wealthy, late 60’s and just paid off their mortgage.
My FIL is a multi millionaire and eats out in Wetherspoons. Gifts the GC £20 at birthdays, but in the next breath paid £50k off my mortgage and I’m divorced from his child.
All the family would do anything for the GC and I feel v lucky

I’ve got a batshit relative like this too -lives in a council studio flat in a grot hole town , very old, close on a millionaire - never given anyone a penny , vast amounts of IHT will be due, never married, no children, I really don’t get it - it’s not that we or his brothers are expectant on it, I just don’t get why he hasn’t made his life more comfortable

That is just lovely.

It is a lot of money but could soon disappear if they needed care etc. Many people see leaving an inheritance as their way of giving to children not giving it whilst still alive. I think you are cross he hasn't done much with grandchildren and are mixing up those emotions with money.

TBH I can’t understand parents who could well afford to help adult DCs/Gdcs, but won’t. Anyone with half a brain cell must be aware that things are a lot harder than they were a few decades ago, particularly as regards the cost of housing.

TBH dh and I never needed help from parents, and when we were younger our parents were pretty much all skint anyway, but I know that in later life, when finances were a lot easier, my DM would have helped, if asked.

When she was in her 70s and 80s and widowed, we often urged her to treat herself, spend some money on herself, but the reply would almost invariably be ‘I’m only saving it for you lot.’ She and DF had been left some money by their own parents, and they had seen it as their duty to conserve and add to it, to pass on.
DPs did have the holidays and whatever else they wanted though, which was not a lot - they were never extravagant and didn’t feel the need for e.g. flash cars.

I am retired and widowed and have £50k of savings that I would be happy to spend on my family but I hang on to it for 2 reasons: I have health problems and they would all rather I could afford a private op than have to wait; and there could be care costs to come and I do not want them to go through the hell I did trying to get funding for care for my late OH.
I would live to give it all to them, but there are lots of them and their share would not amount to much.

Our DS works hard but public services wages aren't great and housing costs etc are ridiculous. We dont have 100,000 savings but we are much better off than he is, with decent savings. I also agree with a PP that we are the best off generation, future generations will struggle even more.
DS will inherit all of ours. So he is going to get it at some point and id like to see him enjoy it so we do gift him money every now and then, not massive amounts, just to ease it. Why would we see him struggle?

I've just.read a thread about someone complaining that her husband's parents gave him money and a credit card. Parents can't win....

There are a lot of people on this thread that seem blind to the intricacies of managing retirement income.

A large capital sum maybe used to generate a passive income from.

For example if you have 300k in an ISA with a 4% return this would generate 1k per month tax free income. While conserving the capital sum (the 300k) to continue earning future income. If you spend the capital amount you reduce the income potential. Of course you can decide to pay an annual income from the
capital amount but then you risk running out eg 300k/10 =30 K per year but if you retired at 65 you would run out by 75 - depends on life expectancy and timing.

Looking at a large lump sum longingly is all very well when it would instantly solve financial pressure but for some retirees that is all they have to manage - their tap is turned off and they don’t know how long it will have to last.

That said I can’t imagine not helping my DC with house deposits. But I am in a fortunate position

1 parent saved and left a small lump sum. My remaining parent - I will be lucky if I don’t have to pay for funeral and house clearance costs as they are hopeless with money and missed opportunities to save a considerable sum and frittered away on shite.

It is possible that the older generation don’t realise how difficult it is for younger ones - a point made way up thread. Just lack of perspective

Yes this is literally my own father.
Have a 3 and 1 year old and we are struggling.
It is absolutely my father's decision to spend his money as he pleases but I cannot imagine being in this position and watching my own child/grandchildren struggle 🤷🏼‍♀️

I feel like some of the posters on here have misunderstood by saying OP is entitled and that it’s really rubbish of people wanting to get their hands on their parents’ money while they’re still alive.
I think the important point that’s being made is that it really stings when someone is struggling financially (and their parents know this) to have them go on and on about how much money they have and how they don’t have anything to spend it on. It’s tone deaf and I would think it feels hurtful and upsetting.
I also don’t know how someone with loads
of money could stand by and watch their child struggle to pay bills. Sure it’s not their money but it feels like helping out or even treating them would be something a parent would want to do.

MammaBear

I completely agree.

It seems awful, or blinkered, to look on when family members are struggling and obtuse to go on about your money.

My parents express similar sentiments to those stated. Dad in particular says he does not know what to spend it on while I point out their Grandchildren’s debts due to University fees/living expenses.

I think there seems to be an inter generational gap with younger generations not likely to experience the benefits of previous ones.

I agree re watching my DC struggle

I do wonder if the older generation view ‘struggle’ as something v different in relation to standards of living - we are talking post war boomers/maybe some early Gen X who didn’t have a lot of what is expected today. But I don’t think they understand the different stresses from todays domestic set up either re needing two incomes in most cases

I think it's a mental illness. My sister is a bit like this.....she just can't spend on herself - her and husband are sat on nearly a million and yet she's had the same bathroom, ensuite shower room and downstairs loo for the last 25 years (that all badly need re-decorating) and pretty much only ever buys discount food from Tesco and works all the overtime going......but maybe that's why amassed so much ££££. Fair enough, but when it gets to the point you're shivering cos you're saving money on the heating then you know you've got a problem (which she does).
I tend not to visit her in winter as her house is too bloody cold then!! 😂

@EvieBB I think a lot of old people struggle with the concept of spending money to keep warm. It's seen as wasteful spending - literally 'burning money'.

I think it's one of those outgoings where people lose all perspective. We run our heating 24x7 in winter and have a lovely warm house. It costs £800 a year. That's such a small proportion of our income for such a huge increase in quality of life.

I appreciate that not everybody has our income, but huge numbers of pensioners can easily afford £70 per month, but choose to shiver in a freezing house instead.

I know but she's only 57! Lol
She can afford but just struggles to spend on herself....feels she has to save as much as poss ALL the time....it's an affliction x

I can't imagine what sort of heating costs £800 a year. During the cold spell last month our gas and electricity together came to £275 and it wasn't on 24/7

We're in the USA and dependent on oil for our heating and hot water. We pay monthly to distribute the cost over the year, as we use practically no oil between May and November, but we are paying $279 a month, which converted to £ works out as £2480 a year. Frankly, £800 a year sounds like a bargain to me. On the other hand, we never let the house get that cold - we keep the temperature at about 19C in the winter because we're in Maine and we get a lot of snow and the temperature is usually below freezing during the winter, and frozen pipes cost a hell of a lot more than heating oil. A friend of mine here is currently in Spain and her pipes froze during her absence because they didn't leave the heating on high enough.

That's gas only.

3 bedroom 1930's semi
10cm loft insulation
Double glazing

Heating set to 19°C overnight, 20°C daytime, 21°C evening.

We're extending the house at the moment, so bills might go up, but there's loads more insulation so they might go down. 🤷

Oh I agree with you - it’s totally nuts

I think you might be reaching there 🤣