Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Haha the member of my family that has been counting on their inheritance for decades is as conservative as they come. Greedy people exist across the political spectrum.

To the OP never ending talk about money is tiring. Just say what a nice problem to have and change the subject. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You'll be glad they have the money if, god forbid, they require care later on. It's far better to have options than relying on state/local provision.

Maybe he’s thinking he might need it for care/care home fees. My DM has no savings and I’m sure I’ll have to help her at some point. I wish she was able to save.

With respect, £250k isn't a huge amount if you need to live for another 20 years and probably pay for care at the end. The man worked and saved, and probably is only 'boasting' because he had very little his whole life and now sees this as a huge amount. Maybe he is arrogant, I don't know, and of course he should help his children and grandchildren where he can - but it would not be unreasonable for him to feel that he can't. Sorry - you don't have a right to demand his money. Still, would be better to have a decent relationship where you can discuss these things without bitterness.

My parents similar. I only know because my dad died recently and my mum was unwilling to do any of the paperwork so I had to do it all alongside work, a house move, young kids etc. So I had to do it all while she scrolled on her phone next to me. I was flabbergasted at the of money amount there was. Particularly as they “could not afford” cleaners, handy people for anything so my husband and I spent countless hours cleaning, fixing, painting, gardening. My kids get £5 for Christmas from them if they are lucky. My grandparents never had much but were always giving me money and paid for some of my music lessons etc. my parents- not a penny towards that type of thing. and My mum still expects us to buy her dinner, shopping etc, despite the fact that I know (because I had to sort her pension) that she gets more than our entire household income per month.
I was actually very hurt because when my kids were babies I was in a profession where to progress I needed to get a qualification I had to pay for (but couldn’t afford). I was stuck so left the profession. I now know my parents could have paid for my exams from a couple months interest alone. But they didn’t offer a penny. Then, right after my dad died my mum told me how disappointed in me my dad was that I left that profession. It was such a horrible thing to hear.
The whole attitude towards money is a generational difference for sure. I hope I will be more generous with my children.

Just to add very few people pay for care. More and more are disposing of capital before that situation arises.

The whole attitude towards money is a generational difference for sure.

Not necessarily. My son’s mortgage free because I passed a chunk of my inheritance on and we’re paid for two of our kids to do masters degrees. We’re not all the same.

I'm not sure it is generational to be honest. Some people are just like that.

Mean with money, mean with everything so I suspect that your parents were not exactly doting?

They were doting! Wonderful parents. I had a wonderful childhood. They were always very generous too. Quite an odd turnaround around the time I had children. Fair enough - they wanted us to stand on our own feet at that point but with what I know now, it seems cruel to have watched us struggle financially, while taking days off work and spending our weekends cleaning / painting/ fixing at their house that they were letting fall apart out of a total unwillingness to part with any of their piles of money. With 2 toddlers in tow - absolutely exhausted ourselves. The last days I had with my dad I was so busy cleaning their house and fixing things because they “couldn’t afford” to pay someone to do it. Heartbreaking.
I do think it’s a generational thing.

I do think it’s a generational thing.

It clearly isn’t. There would be no generous parents if that was the case.

Oh that is shit and I am so sorry that they did that.

But sorry, I still dont think its generational. My mother is like that, my father isnt. My sisters FIL was like that, her MIL isnt. I have an aquaintance like that who is in her 30's. Her view is "why should I pay if I can get someone to do it for nothing?" with no regard to the time or effort cost to them.

They valued their own money over your time and struggles, so that must be very hurtful. But if you brought it up with your mum I am sure her comeback would be "But you will inherit it all!", even though we all know that you may not.

I have noticed that with age (whatever generation) comes selfishness for some and it sounds like that is what you are dealing with.

I think different generations have it hard in different ways, but really think our children are likely to have it the hardest, with limited jobs etc. Older millennials and above, like me, often walked into our first jobs so easily that some of us don't realise what it is like now.
No, no one is entitled to take what our elders worked for (in my case, mine have little) but if I were in your shoes, I admit I would resent his comments. In his situation, I would be giving you/the rest of my family things to make their lives easier, maybe discussing charity donations as a family, and much more importantly, babysitting as long as you and your partner (and my health) permitted it.

You can save up to 20k per tax year so over time you can accumulate at large total savings

Yr 1 - 20k
Yr 2 - 20k + 20k

Achieving a capital sum to earn interest on tax free income on - reducing tax liability is a key aim as you are taxed on your pension income at the same levels as earned income

My point was the ‘hoarding’ of cash might be to generate the above tax free income.

you are taxed on your pension income at the same levels as earned income

Not true because you don’t pay NI on pension income. If you take money out of an ISA you don’t pay tax on it, there’s no need to keep it there to reap the tax benefit.

Im very pleased to hear that NI is likely to be added to all income in the next budget.

I haven’t heard that. I’ve read that income tax is likely to increase by 2% and NI to reduce by 2% which isn’t quite the same thing. In any event NI was reduced by 3% last year so even a 2% tax increase will leave most people in employment better off than they were in March 2024.

There are billions more humans on the planet than there were 25 years ago. Of course competition for all resources, including jobs and housing, is going to be fierce and only get worse.

Yet there are currently several threads on MN about people feeling “broody” for an umpteenth child. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Which just increases the cost for the people who do pay. If more people actually paid their fair share the govt could subsidise the cost surely, or the cost would come down for everyone. As it is, poorer people with more modest assets are subbing the cost of care for the wealthy who have used all the dodges, which is insanely unfair.

£250,000 is not all that much if you need to start drawing it down for care needs. If this is never needed, I assume you'll get some of it, at least, eventually.

It certainly isn't enough to enhance your ongoing standard of living unless you expect him to hand over all or most of it every month.

Have you tried asking for a particular sum when a big bill has come up? Would he help out on that basis? My father has always been keen to pass money on (yes, I know I'm lucky) but it's usually been in relation to a specific one-off need - eg to buy a property slightly out of our reach. But overall I don't especially want his money- I prefer to stand on my own two feet.

He sounds miserly but that's his choice and no one else's business. I have somewhat miserly instincts myself in that I avoid what I see as wasting money, whilst still spending what I need to enjoy life. One of my dc spends hers on stuff she doesn't need and it irks me, but she earns the money so that's up to her (and my brother was the same till around the age of 30).

if your grandad needed this to pay for his care how does he think you or your children are going to afford their care? It’s getting harder and harder to save for a decent pension and more and more expensive to pay for care with each generation. This is what frustrates me. Some parents get it and some don’t.

How is any of that granddad’s responsibility to solve, or even be concerned about? He doesn’t control the future.

Everyone can save if they truly are motivated. People have unrealistic lifestyle expectations these days.

obviously it’s not his responsibility to solve. And I’m thinking more about parents here but some parents are concerned about this problem, some aren’t. I disagree that everyone has the ability to save enough and that it is always about unrealistic lifestyle choices. Sometimes, yes.

If he goes into a care home he will have to self fund running into tens of thousands pounds a year. £250k would only last 5years or even less. If he gives it away the council will see it as him avoiding being self funded and not pay towards his care. When he was your age I can promise you, he and your mother, would also have been struggling unless he earned really well above average salary. I remember having to wait for the next family allowance before doing the shopping, dreading the gas and electricity bill etc and we both had well paid jobs. Today I'm comfortably well off but never went on holiday until I was in my late 40s. I can count on one hand the number of times we went out for a meal in 20 years when newly married with school aged children. We put a little aside when we could so we could have a comfortable old age.
Are you prepared to pay towards his care if and when needed?

Mentioned several times before that it’s likely he has a house to potentially sell.

Your df might be tone deaf and should not be talking about his savings however you sound unbearably entitled, you have 2 children in their teens and 2 adults working 75 hrs per week between them, this is hardly the most exhausting time of parenthood and you and your spouse are hardly working 80 hour weeks. Maybe try and concentrate on what you have and if you want more maybe look at a way to achieve that.

Yes re NI - I was referring to the tax allowance thresholds so if your pension income tips you over into 40% brackets it can be helpful to have interest income from a capital amount that is tax free and offset the tax liability . Apologies this was not clear in my post.

If you want a tax free income you DO need to keep it there to generate the interest income from the capital amount. If you save 300k that will generate 1k tax free income per month…based on a 4% interest rate, clearly this is subject to inflation and the net value maybe less that 4% - which is why you should also have other sources of retirement income. But cash ISAs carry the least risk.

(compared to withdrawing 12k per year which deplete the capital amount and reduced passive income)

You have a capital amount to access for use should you need to for emergency/essential large costs such as roof repair or care needs and maybe a lump sum to leave in a will.