Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

No one has got right to anyone else's money.

But no one is obliged to sit in front of (or do anything for) a tone deaf individual boasting about how much cash they've got while they are struggling either.

@GasPanic yep I agree with that too - my FIL gives me really nice cash presents at birthday and xmas ( 11 days apart) - usually around£300 or so in total as I think he knows it helps us pay for all the xmas food and drink ( which he does of course benefit from too) - I prefer thoughts like this and bits ‘if and when we need it ‘ and know there’s enough in his pot for any needs he may have at some point ( he’s 86) , care, cleaner , gardener, handyman, access to private health etc - I think a big problem is parents who boast about what they have , let others struggle without ‘any’ help whatsoever however small , become tight Asa ducks arse and then also have huge expectations of their family ‘helping them out’ time wise

Well said GasPanic!

£300k in ISAs? I thought the limit per person was £20k?

Typo! £2 k per person!

20k per year. Easy to have a few hundred grands’ worth later in life if you put 20k in per year each.

My grandmother currently has care at home, £3k a week. She has 15 months worth in cash and then that’s it 🤷‍♀️ it sounds like a shit ton money wise, but time-wise…? Scary.

My ILs do this. They are willing to help out if needed for a repair bill/extension/house deposit etc but FIL has a spreadsheet of how much he's loaned/gave to which child, and a running total on what each child will receive in inheritance after deductions have been taken into account.

Family are great, who need enemies when someone keeps track of stuff like this?

My father has a book and has told me in the past how much he spent on my flute lessons (as a child). Needless to say I have a ‘limited’ relationship with him ☹️

Keeping everything fair is admirable. Good for him.

I can't help but think you must be the sibling that wants to take as much as possible on the sly and still expects an equal share of the inheritance.

Why shouldn't the parent keep track of who's had what and take that into account in their will?

First of all, the father is wise to keep track of the money so as to avoid overstepping tax-free gifting limits. Secondly, he has an accurate record to make things clear after he's dead - depending on what his will says.

I know three families where parents have been approached by a single sibling for "inheritance in advance". They all said no.

We've got a 'needy' sibling. Once that family realised plane tickets, hotels, meals, entry fees would be covered with baby sitting that was it.
Sadly that family now need money for unhappy reasons and of course bank of mum and dad is being tapped. The other siblings got a text, no discussion, saying 'i feel dreadful this means less inheritance for you'.
However the sums are so great, it can't be ignored. So it's all being clocked & rectified at the point of final reckoning and sibling is not happy about that!

Do you genuinely mean ‘a week’ not a month ? Wouldn’t it be cheaper to get a top end residential home if it is ‘a week’ ?

It can’t be a month, that would be £100 a day. Even if the carers were paid minimum wage 24 hour care would cost £2051 a week without any on costs.

I couldn’t tell as they said care at home, but didn’t say live in care - it could have meant 4 times a day for 40 minutes etc - honestly if it’s really that much that’s £12.5k a month, far more than any high end residential home , plus bills and food too - someone is making a packet off this and I doubt it’s the carer either . I think that’s scandalous money. If it was equal cost - say £6000 a month I can kind of see it as an alternative that the elderly person might prefer, decent money for carer and probably a high agency mark up too but that amount to me is off the scale

Thinking about it though it’s probably 3 different carers doing 8 hours so yes it would add up - doesn’t make sense to me financially , I guess it must be what that person wants though

It would be worth it, to me, to avoid being in a care facility. I’ve “hoarded” 🙄 a great deal of money for that purpose.

@No5ChalksRoad I do get that and totally respect your choice- your cash , your choice! Can I ask, is it that you’ve had a bad experience with a residential care home or just hate the idea- we live in Bath and I went to visit someone and was shocked how nice it was, more like popping to a decent 4 star hotel and the residents were happy and chatty and had company , I do appreciate many places aren’t like this but I was pleasantly suprised - but this was at the £1850 a week level

Sounds great and lots of elderly would thrive in a lovely environment like this. Wonder if they would ask you to leave when the money ran out.

If he's after finding ways to tuck his money away, I'd suggest trust funds / uni funds for grandkids and see what his response is. If he's not amused then, yes, he's a twat. All I ever had from my parents was abuse then out on my arse at 16. For different reasons I find myself wondering, as my son hits different stages, how they could have acted the way they did. It's natural. I move heaven and earth for him, where as my parents were completely self-obsessed. Abuse or no, it seems a common theme for Gen X children of boomers and early millennial children of early Gen X parents. Some people are just trash and all you can do is be better.

£250K is chicken feed in relation to care home costs.

Not really - the average stay is two and a half years, which £250k would cover.

Presumably there’s a house to sell as well.

I’m in a similar situation. My parents have cash in the bank, rental properties, an expensive house (in the best catchment area) and spend most of their time writing poetry and meditating. Meanwhile we’re paying off student loans, caring for two young children, paying for childcare, and feeling tremendously guilty we couldn’t afford to live in a better area for our kids. My dad also frequently says they don’t have enough money.

the truth is, my parents lucked out and didn’t have student debts, had huge parental help with their first house, were on the housing ladder in their twenties, and have seen the price of their property go up in value 900% since purchase. Yes it’s their money but there’s a lot of luck there and it blows my mind when they complain about not having enough around us. Honestly, I’d just say to your dad you find his comments tone deaf and you’d like him to stop talking about money around you. I said something similar to my dad a few years back and I think it took him out of his own bubble for a moment and he no longer does it. He does still complain about being tired though because he only had 7.5 hours sleep… (screams inside while holding twelve month old baby) !