Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

£200 per month seems to be implausibly low.

https://www.gov.uk/becoming-foster-parent/help-with-the-cost-of-fostering

Per week, not per month.

The ludicrous claim was of "I think fostering pays around £2k per kid tax free, so that's potentially £8k per month of tax free income."

If @Swanlady is not in the SE/London areas the standard rates is between 190-220 for children from 5 - 17 with the upper end only applying when they hit 16.

You didn’t seem to think £2k a week was implausibly high. 🙄

I'm astonished by this post, never mind that it's his money, retirement is a vast and uncertain place and you shouldn't take that lightly. I want to have to have to take nothing from my family (though I have both loaned and gifted money to them myself) and overall I think it is much better for each generation to find its own way. I could give a lot of money to my child later in their life but my wife is very much of the opinion that trust fund kids are all duffers, and I am of the opinion that the last thing I want it to be a burden to a child when I've old. If there is something left when I die then that's great (though my wife might prefer even that goes to charity).

My dad is like this too.
mind you I’ve not so much as had a Christmas card of him since he and my mum split 20 years ago 😂

My figure was £2k per month and therefore potentially £8k per month for four kids. Nobody at any point mentioned weeks.

£8k a month is £2k a week, no?

She's fostering 4 children.

4x £2k = £8k = £96k a year = equivalent to £160k on PAYE.

It's very simple maths. Please try to keep up.

There are four children being fostered…hence 4 * £2k being £8k. Out by a factor of 2 still, admittedly!!

No.

£2k per child, per month.

They are fostering four children.

In my area the standard rate is £540.87 per week for teenagers.

£2344 per month, per teenage child.

Sorry I meant per week. There is a national minimum fostering allowance and our LA pay the minimum. Agencies on the other hand it is a different story.

The PP is in an area which like most, pays the minimum of approx 200 per week for older children and teens.

That is 800 per month, not 2k.

I’ve no idea where you live but I know my borough and all the surrounding boroughs pay the government minimum. Extra payments are for high needs, not “ordinary” cared for children.

Its simple made up numbers. I gave you the link to save you troubling to check facts. Those are the numbers used in all the boroughs local to me, fascinated to know where you are that pays double these numbers. That must be why people are queuing up to foster…on no they are not, in practice most boroughs are struggling to find foster care at any price.

However if its such easy money, nothing to stop you putting your trotters in the trough is there?

I was just talking to a friend of mine recently. Both of her parents are in their 80's and have been divorced for years. My friend is currently on a benefits. Her father helps her out financially.
He pays the odd bill and will give her cash a few times a year. She reckons this is worth about £1500-£2000 a year. She said it helps her a lot especially with the current cost of living.

Her mother meanwhile has money but has become extremely tight as she has gotten older. She complain's about the cost of things like a coffee or a meal out. She gives my friend as little as possible money wise.

In the last 18 months her mother had a health issue and needed help for several weeks. My friend moved into her mother's house and did 80% of the care and her siblings did the rest. Without this her mother would have had to go into a nursing home then. Her mother never even give her a £5 for all this help

At this stage my friend is making plans to get back into part time employment for financial reasons. She also told me I don't want to be as available for care in the next few years. She said as well that her mother has refused to listen to any advice she has given her and she knows this will lead to problems later on.

Did her mother raise her?

I think offspring owe their (non toxic) parents a certain amount of consideration if they were decently reared, and parents should not have to “earn” eldercare by forking over money and free childcare to ameliorate the lifestyle choices made by adult children.

But it's not made up numbers, is it? Look at the screenshot from my local council. They actually pay £2,344 per month for fostering a teenage child.

Why do people insist on these self-owning gotchas?

Some prices are shocking. In my first job I earned ,£5 a week, paying nearly that for a coffee in a paper cup does seem shocking to me, I can't help that and one day you might feel the same depending on how inflation goes.

I do buy a coffee now and then, I just use my debit card and try not to think of it as real money.

people have to survive though so if they give up work and their income to look after their parent how will they live ?

This is part of the problem for many. Mum and Dad expect to be cared for "after all we did for you" but dont cop on to the fact that that involves a loss of income for the carer. "Well we did it for your grandma" yes but then you were living in a single income family with two adults. A lot of people now are living in double income families because thats the only way they can afford to pay the bills or single income families with one adult and no back up. So its not as simple as Jeff paying the bills and Jane looking after the parents.

And on top of being on the poverty line (or often below it) we are told we are being selfish.

This is an excellent reason that parents should hold onto their own funds. Even if they help the younger generation, there is no reasonable expectation that they will be able to help back, if that earlier help leaves you short in your old age. As a child of someone in a poorly prepared retirement, you don't actually do your child any favours if you put yourself in a bad position. It adds stress and worry for them.

In the end, in this culture, you are responsible for yourself- if you brought children into the world that was your choice, not some kind of weird elder insurance.
My sister in law is Chinese (but brought up in the UK) and from her son being around 4 years old she has continually told him he is responsible for looking after her when she is old- she did this because she realised this is not part of English culture-elders are not revered and sacrificed for in the same way.
The upshot is my nephew has never left home, despite having 2 different job offers and the ability to do so, he has never been married or had a long term relationship. He works from home off and on supported by his mother- he is just home help in waiting- revolting.

Geographical location comes into it. I recall a friend in her fifties who drove hundreds of miles every weekend to care for her mother while having a full time job. She had a massive stroke, wound up in assisted living in a much worse state than her mother health wise, who continued to live independently

Totally agree. I just don't understand these CFs who think they've got some god given right to other people's money.

I agree and posted as such awhile ago - I would rather my FIL at 86 has funds to make choices if and when needed that don’t require me going over 3 times a day ( he’s 12 miles away) or doing any intimate care . Could we do with some of his largesse? Most definitely - we are in our early 60s and rent - but I would still rather he had choices , if we inherit at some point then that would be marvellous , but if he spent the lot, I accept that it’s his choices, his money