Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

No, not when you’re living in the same home as state funded people and your riches - that you could have spent to enjoy yourself whilst you were healthy or you could have strategically given away - have been used to pay for that care.

Id get them to rwad A Christmas Carol. They sound very similar to Scrooge. Awful

Not putting the heating on is clearly unreasonable and foolish.

I don't see anything wrong with them timing their shopping to coincide with supermarket reductions. Retired people are time rich and don't have children to supervise in the evenings.

I earn £100k, but I'm happy to stock up the freezer with yellow sticker items.

What's wrong with foraging for wood? When I was a child we used to do that as a family on a Sunday afternoon.

If you'd seen the awful smelly home social worker was recommending for my aunt, that's where she'd be if her money ran out we were told. We were able to choose a much better home where she has received excellent care for nearly ten years. Oh and no bad smells. I know where I'd rather end up.

YABU. If your DPs need to go in to care homes for the last 5 years of their lives then that money will be eaten up very quickly.

If you’re struggling, why not talk to them and ask for help?

Our parents/grandparents generation was a one off anomaly. And they often had it harder in childhood - lower life expectancy, no central heating, ice on the windows in winter, hardly anyone went to uni. I wouldn’t be too envious.

That’s surely the choice of the person concerned. State funded care one size fits none . Private care , your money , your rules .

This. The other thing about being self funding is that you or your family decide when you need to move into a care home. If the local authority is paying they decide and the bar is way too high. While they’d probably have funded my mum, my dad wouldn’t have qualified. As it was they went in together. It would have killed my dad if they’d been separated after more than 60 years of marriage. I cried when I saw the dreadful “home” the LA favours.

What a nasty suggestion.

They’re harming no one. People envious of them need to work harder to better themselves, rather than criticize others’ lifestyle choices.

I do the same. I just love a bargain. It's obviously different wanting to buy yellow sticker food as opposed to having to do it. I think it goes for a lot of things. I like being tight on occasion for things that just aren't worth it for me, but I remember the times when I felt poor and then having to save on everything was just a chore and it grinds you down. But is also meant I wanted out of this so do a lot better now. I know I'm lucky.

Yes this
The LA will only fund up to a certain amount
If you have the money you can choose where you go, the area you are in, size of room etc
LA will just go for cheapest they can get away with, miles away from family

Having experienced several people in care homes…

If care homes are thin on the ground the LA will be paying for the person in an identical room to the one self-funding.

You can choose your home - up to a point. Mil had advanced dementia and was “bed blocking” in hospital. Dh and bil visited a ton of nursing homes and all bar one turned her down, despite being a self-funder. The homes ask for a report and mil was problematic. Anyway, the only place that would take her was occupied by 95% council-funded people. It was very basic and smelled quite bad although the staff were kind.

Not all elderly parents are stingy gits, sitting on a fortune. Thirty years ago (after many years of hard work and saving and loans) we gave our two 21 year old children 100k worth of property each to get them on the property ladder. They have saved many £1,000s in mortgage interest since then, which was our hope.

We could really use some of that money now (no holidays for 4 years - 14 year old car) but we don't regret it for a minute! We manage our money carefully, live within our means and know that we could always ask the DC to help if things got too bad (we probably never will though).

I know others my age who have also substantially helped their children with money and childcare over the years. Please don't judge all the older generation the same as this miserable old Scrooge.

My parents are doing the same although not the huge amount your parents are per month. It's for potential care home fees and possibly private health care if the NHS waiting time is too long. They never ever high earners so this is just state pension and just a small work pension. They owe their house and manage or little. I wish they spend their money on a coffee out and a cake rather than take a flask but their choice

Councils are increasingly not putting people into care homes as they are so expensive. They are leaving them at home with 3/4 carers a day. I want to be able to make the choice when I get there.
There are a couple of expensive care homes near me that simply do not take council funded patients. Again to have the choice is great.
There is also some pride in not wanting to be funded by the taxpayer.

Oh wow, i am glad i am not the only one in this situation.
i am mid 40s with 3 children, single, was recently dismissed from my long term job due to ill health. We are struggling.
My dad is 83, sat on A LOT of money but is obsessed with saving, so much so he drives a 20 year old car, mobile is 15 years old and doesn’t work, he will sit with 3 coats on rather than put heating on all through the winter.
last week I asked him if he could please get me a new car battery as it was flagged up on the service as bad & needs replacing, as were my back brakes. I explained I have spent £800 on the car to get it through MOT which I put on my credit card & would greatly appreciate his help. His reply was well the car started fine today and your front brakes are working fine! I said it’s about safety of me and kids & not being stranded with a flat battery. He started shouting at me, I started to cry & he left. I can only conclude he has zero care for me & my children as I could not imagine allowing my kids to struggle or have an unsafe car when I’ve got so much in the bank doing nothing. I was adopted and I just don’t think he loves me as he would his own.

Jesus…..

We save for DD since she was born and DM has put money aside for her too. Can’t imagine not helping my children or grandchildren financially. As for a care home. I’m not saving money for something that might never happen and then dying with thousands! Fuck that shit. My home can pay for care home fees- if push comes to shove.

This just comes across as a tone deaf boast about "how great my family is doing".

What if your kids weren't in good careers and were struggling through no fault of their own ?

Good careers are often due to hard work, but luck can play a factor as well.

I do partly agree with this too - my FIL is 86 and I would rather if necessary he is self able to fund care of whatever kind than give most of his money away and then feel we need to be on the doorstep to go round 4 times a day , or have to have him move in with us etc and other limited choices- he just isn’t the kind of person that would want this either ( as he is still 100% compus mentis at the moment ) it’s all been a quite open conversation- my H has POA in place if needed, FIL has said he would prefer a live in carer than a care home if totally needed and has the liquid cash to do this for a few years if necessary . He moved last year at 85 to a nice bungalow in a nice town and has medical centre, pub, urgent care centre, 2 general stores and bus stop all within 3 minutes flat walk and can walk to town in 10 minutes. Personally I concentrate on making sure he eats well, we have lots of contact and he’s getting out and about every day - I can’t stop disease or illness or age but can make sure whilst he is ok that he is as fit and well as possible and eats very well, is picked up to come to social stuff with us - he does still drive but won’t drive in the dark now. I cannot deny we are not in a great position ourselves financially , we don’t own a house, live in a pricey area out of choice etc but we do have a good business we will sell at some point - FIL has offered us money to buy a shared ownership ( the percentage bit outright) but we have said no , because at 86 I think we would be in the ‘deprivation of assets’ area - as there would be a reasonable expectation of care needs. I don’t want to deprive him of choices because in all honesty it’s ‘our ‘ choice to some extent to live in a very nice but pricey area.

Is that a joke? What a horrible way to speak to somebody you presumably love, at least a bit. Jeering at them for getting older and threatening not to offer any support. Hopefully it is a joke. So hard to tell on social media.

I think fostering pays around £2k per kid tax free, so that's potentially £8k per month of tax free income.

That's equivalent to £160k on PAYE.

Is it any wonder that @Swanlady has cash to spare?

I was so glad and relieved to read this as I've been feeling this for ages. I think for me, it's knowing that I couldn't live hoarding money if I knew my children were struggling - I just don't understand the mentality. Even if I only have £10 left in my purse, it goes to one of them before I'd even get a look in. It does make me feel bitter how hard it is for me and he could change that by not even denting his savings - but then I have to remind myself that he earnt it and it's his etc. etc.!

It's probably hard work though. I don't think it is easy money or else everyone would be queuing up to do it.

I don't begrudge people working hard and making money. I do begrudge people when they boasting about how they lucked out in life. Some people just simply aren't born with the talents to make high paying careers in todays society and circumstances such as having special needs children, health issues like mental health and divorce/separation and housing difficulties can add to the financial load and make it very difficult for people in todays environment. Yes you need to try to teach your kids self reliance, but also you need to be there for them if they fail. That's what families are about to me. Not counting 0s on the bank balance.

I think there is a balance point between the two extremes of children taking every penny their parents have saved for their retirement and parents with large amounts of wealth watching their kids struggle.

Haha.. a total misconception. I foster for the LA. Try £200 a kid. I also have my own business which thankfully I can leave to pretty much run its self now. Believe me. I spend more on my foster kids than I get. Like I said, they travel extensively with us too.

This is SM where facts are optional and we just make shit up about whichever group is the in target this week. See also disabled people being given free Rolls Royces for filling in a form about a broken finger nail.

Google is your friend.

Its really not difficult to find actual facts (although I’m sure its more fun to just make shit up).

https://www.gov.uk/support-for-foster-parents/help-with-the-cost-of-fostering

In my area the basic rate is all you get. Any of the “possible extras” require extensive extra needs to make the case. Ditto the neighbouring areas.