Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Well done. I'm heading exactly there all being well and me staying healthy etc. It's crazy how much I 'earn' every month by doing nothing. Much of it will be tax free too. Some won't. Just let time work for ourselves.

Very true. It's almost exclusively wealthy people who accumulate wealth these days.

I can assure you that my "obsession" with being mortgage free was nothing to do with wealth accumulation. It was to do with having secure housing.

Whatever happens, this house is mine. No one can take it away from me. That knowledge is so important. It makes me feel safe. I can be sitting in the cold and dark with nothing to eat, but I will have a roof over my head that is mine.

Yes my house has appreciated in value because I have only ever lived here and became mortgage free 2.5 years ago. But the market being as it is locally, I would net at best 20k after costs if I downsized because my house is a three bed terrace, so dropping a bedroom would make very little difference.

@PyongyangKipperbang cool if you felt that was the best option.

No amount of money compensates for lack of good parenting or being good grandparents. I give my GC as much time as possible and took early retirement to help with childcare prior to starting school The best job ever and has built great relationships with them.
OP do you think your parents will have or do have regrets?

Well that was clearly said with some sort of side eye, but I am afraid that you will have to enlighten me as to what your dig actually is.

I think that a lot of people are missing where the OP said that its not about the money, it so rarely is, but the fact that he has always prioritised increasing his wealth over his family.

She just wanted him to give her some time, which equates to care. "Bloody hell Dad, I am really struggling getting that new shelf unit together, its starting to annoy me" "Dont worry love, I'll pop round and give you a hand if you like" adds up to "I love you, I will help you".

Whereas "You should have bought it ready made. Did I tell you I saved another £2k this month?" equals "Money matters more to me than you do".

And you know that how? It actually wasn't. Look inward.

Ok well "look inward" was definitely patronising.

However I apologise. I have been here for many many years and have seen "cool" used in a pass agg way far too often for me to take it on face value! Yes that is what I value, knowing that my home is truly mine. It means that whatever else happens, I will always have that. And, worst case scenario, I can sell it as yes it is an asset that has appreciated x4 since I bought it. But that was never in my mind set. I bought it as a home and thats what it is.

And other people get that sense of security from having £x million in stocks and shares.

If somebody told you that you were 'hoarding' wealth because you didn't downsize to a bedsit to fund your adult children's lifestyles, what would you say?

You are comparing apples and oranges there.

The PP with an Aunt with £4m in the bank and doing nothing with it (doesnt sound like it was even invested) is a lot different to me living a very small house that is paid for. I have no savings btw, my income is too low to be able to save. I was lucky enough to pay it off when I was still earning well. The savings I did have went on things like car/house repairs and I am unable to replace them.

So what would happen if I did sell my house? I would rent a bedsit and give my kids an equal share of the money. I would have to claim housing benefit to pay my rent, because as I said my income is very low as I am a carer to my parents and work part time as far as I can. Except that I would be told that as I had given my money away it would be seen as disposal of assets, so housing benefit wouldnt be paid, no UC, nothing. So I would be homeless and penniless.

Not even vaguely the same as the OP or the pp the with the Aunt.

What are the other ways to accumulate wealth? I am early 50s, missed out on affordable housing by buying v late in life, and am not very wealthy, please share! Am being serious, not facetious. I only have my dad's example to copy - he got wealthy by buying a house that was cheap when he was in his late 20s. He is much wealthier than me, he has three properties and no mortgage. I have one property with a giant mortgage I'll never manage to pay off. I'd love to help my kids be more like my dad, so if there are ways a regular Joe can build wealth without it being through buying property, I'd love to hear about it so I can pass it on to my kids.

Investments. I put a good chunk of money into my work pension, but it will be taxable so I actually max out my ISA. This needs to be a stocks and shares ISA. My plan is to mostly live off the returns of my ISA. I realise I'm lucky I am able to do that.

I made a particular decision around property which I feel is a bit outing so won't share here. Id never take out a mortgage 4.5x my salary.

I also have equity in a company, which appreciates by about 30pc per year on average.

I also have some crypto, which I am not relying on at the moment but could bring good returns.

This is all a very long game.

Many people will be in the the same position- relatively static wages and huge inflation in property (and everything else) means that each generation is living far harder lives than the one before. It's not quite as simple as that though- standards have changed out of all recognition- no person under 30 would dream of living in the kind of rented accommodation we did when we were young- renting is far more expensive but the properties are of infinitely higher quality. Students eat out, drink vape and party spending heavily as they go- then wonder why they are in so much debt, I never ate out side my digs except on special occasions because I could not afford it- a student today would look at you as if you were mad if you suggested they can't afford it.
When we moved into our own home we had to buy the essentials as we went- living without a fridge ,cooker, sofa or bed for some time- no young couple would accept this nowadays- it is all expected to be laid on as shown by the popularity of new developments with appliances etc included.
So yes, your children are disadvantaged compared with your parents- but they will never suffer the sort of privations your parents, or you did.
It's tough but what your Dad does with his money is up to him, how much you sacrifice for your children is personal choice.
You could try explaining to him how you feel- bottling it up certainly won't help, your Dad might rise to the challenge and see your point, but it is not guaranteed.
Many older people, especially those who rose from humble circumstances actively do not believe in helping their children,and do not believe in leaving any inheritance- they believe they worked hard and did well and their children/grandchildren should do the same. They do not understand how things have changed- you need to explain it.

My DM is 95. She has lived on a smallish pension income since she retired at 60 and was widowed soon after. Being very old is expensive if you have a home to maintain. She has needed help with housework, gardening for years and now has to pay for personal care. If she hadn’t hung onto her savings, we would be having to do a lot of this for her, as well as providing childcare for our grandchildren, so their parents can work. Planning for the future is important to people who want to be self-sufficient. We are glad that she is.

Gosh . I am certainly glad I don't have some of the people on here as my kids. Self-entitled doesn't even cut it.

I am 60, hubby is 64 (semi-retired working 3 days a week) and we foster 4 teenagers and we have 3 grown up birth children and 4 grandchildren. Financially, we paid off the mortgage in June, live in a 5 bedroom house and have a rough annual income currently of around 120K a year after tax with a nice nest egg building up. However, I would say we spend a good chunk of our income on expensive holidays (taking the foster kids and some just us) as this is our passion now.

When I joked to my kids that I probably will have nothing to leave them if I am still holidaying like this in my 80s. They all said that they hope I DON'T leave them anything and it doesn't bother them one bit. They all have good careers and will do just fine themselves. I travelled with my kids when they were younger and they wanted for nothing but brought them up to realise that once they were adults they were on their own and they needed to fend for themselves. So they did and they are gorgeous, well adjusted individuals because of it.

Oh and my grandkids get £50 each for Birthday and Christmas. They have parents who now buy them most things like we did with them. I am 100% going to enjoy my retirement and ensuring I have enough money to do this.

Plus.. I am frugal to a degree, as are my kids. Yes I will buy the reduced items, I will always find a 10% off code, i am never off hot deals, I buy from vinted and rarely spend on clothes plus we find wood for the log burner on walks if we can (we keep a chainsaw in the car!)..

Yep . Spot on .

Congratulate him…. He’ll be the richest
man in the graveyard!

Part of being a responsible parent is making sure you provide for your old age well enough that you won't put pressure on your grown children to bridge gaps and provide the care you could buy in for yourself. If that means a delay in passing down wealth to ensure your solvency in old age, so be it.

Better to be the richest man in the graveyard than the poorest man in the nursing home .

Easiest way to accumulate wealth is have no kids. But if everyone did that then there wouldnt be a mumsnet lol. 20+ years ago when i worked in financial services, the estimated total cost of raising a child through to 18 was £180,000.
I bet its a whole load more now, and that didnt include uni either!

This! Kids cost an absolute fortune. Lovely as they are, they’re not cheap.

Absolutely this⬆️

Again I’ll highlight from experience social workers do a financial assessment.
Mr A who has claimed benefits for years can be next door in a private care home to Mr B who is privately funded. Same care only difference is different rates they pay. This is the case in Scotland however who knows how it will change in the future.

Regarding care homes. My Mum lived until she was 97 and was in a nursing home for her final five years. Some people there were self funded, others had continuing health care and others were funded by the local authority. There was absolutely no difference in the service they received and the self funded residents were subsidising the others. When savings ran out the local authority took over. If I had the sort of money some of your parents seem to I would be treating people. Wonder where I went wrong, worked in the NHS with only a four year break and , although comfortable have nothing like that amount of savings. Do have a house but I live in it.