Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Parenthood has been unbelievably tough on me and DW, I really don't know how we've clung on and there's still a possibility that my 20 year marriage won't last the distance (as much as it hurts me to admit that). A significant contributing factor is the almost total absence of parental support for the entirety of our children's lives

Exactly how would parental support have helped save your marriage, @Antisocialg1t ? Whose parents? Both sets?

My parents are similar, what it has shown me is that despite having the means to make their lives more comfortable and enjoyable, they just haven’t done that and are downright miserable a lot of the time. It is probably too late now.

Me and my kids don’t need their money, but I do wish they had spent some of that money on themselves. I think some of it is the habit of saving for a tiny day, not realising there comes a time to actually enjoy and not continually scrimp and save when you don’t need to.

I’m managing their money now, and they still want me traipsing around opening multiple accounts for small increases in interest that they don’t need. I’m making sure they are invested wisely, but I’m not going to go to the extremes they went to.

It's all very well to say that if you had that amount of money you'd spend more etc.

The people saying this will never have money because their instinct is to immediately spend any money they do have.

As a thought experiment, what would you do with a £100 gift? What about £1k? £10k? £100k? £1 million?

If you don't save £100 or £1,000 you're highly unlikely to ever have £10k, let alone £100k or a £million.

Again, there are hardly any council run homes anymore. I can’t believe this naivety still goes on about self funders living in the bells and whistles care homes and the state funded people are living in the shit homes.

He's probably concerned with feeding himself for however many years/decades he has ahead of him. He could leave the residue to the cat protection place though.

My kids are that age and grandparents are all
in their 80’s!

This is oversimplified nonsense. It’s perfectly possible to be prudent with money and save while also being generous to others. Many people can afford to do both.

My Dad is similar - isn't smug, but certainly doesn't think that his GCs could certainly do with a helping hand. I think its a mixture of:

• genuinely not really understanding how hard it is for young people these days. He just thinks "well it was hard for us too" but doesn't recognise that a decent salary and being able to afford your own home are no longer a given these days, no matter how hard you work
• not knowing the cost of things that he doesn't personally have to pay for, like mortgages, commuting, childcare
• getting his information from papers (and the wrong sort) rather than speaking to real people
• feeling a (understandable) need to keep money for care home fees
• a sense that "it's the making of you" to struggle

Yes, but the people dreaming up ways to spend their parent's money on violin lessons or a subsidised 4 day week (🙄) clearly just want an enhanced lifestyle on top of their existing 100% expenditure. It's pretty clear those people wouldn't save any windfalls, but appear to begrudge their parent's 'hoards' of money that have been saved over their working lives.

Sorry but £250k in savings doesn't seem a vast amount to me, when you consider how health in his final years might mean he has care home fees to find, or help in the home to pay for. Retirement homes cost about £4000 a month I think. If he gives away his money, there are also tax implications for both him and the people he gives it to. If he runs out of money and has to move somewhere the council deems adequate (whether he does or not) you as ratepayers are paying for it, so how is that fair? You'll get it in the end, presumably, or what's left of it.

Helping themselves? They have done their job as parents. Let them enjoy their relative wealth in peace. Even if that doesn’t enjoyment comes from the pleasure of knowing they have so much money in the bank.

The younger generation seem to think it was very easy for older people to accrue wealth but it really isn’t. Many made sacrifices and went without. I am glad they are rich. I hope they keep it to themselves and enjoy it.

I think this post is great, and everything said in it is so true.

However, I also think that two things can be (and are) true at once.

1. It is true that today's younger generation have much more than their grandparents did when they were young. In the past, people made do with so much less.
2. It is also true that the opportunities to build wealth available for the grandparents are not available today. House prices in relation to salaries make house buying unattainable to many young people today.

It's complicated.

But I do think it's crazy that we live in a society where it's seen as normal to have all this blooming stuff and spend so much on meals out, holidays etc.

Sadly there's so much being pushed at young people, credit available so easily, social media and marketing giving the message you're a failure if you don't have x or do y. Today's luxurious lifestyles are sold as normal, to all of us, because capitalism.

In my opinion, older people were fortunate to grow up in a digital-free age without so much pressure, where they could learn the value of money and luxuries, afford to buy houses, and appreciate the impact of their hard-earned wealth later in life.

Younger people may look to have it easy, but I do not envy them their situation.

Our parents never had any money to help us, they were war time generation and I do feel that memory of extreme deprivation of the war years lingers in those who are very elderly, hence the fear of being poor again in spite of actually being well off.

We were vastly poorer growing up than our DC and poorer than they are at the same age. They both earn relatively more than we did at the same age and both bought houses younger than we did. They were taught to be frugal and financial management and investment. We are very comfortable now and give our DC money on a regular basis. They are always appreciative and always say it's not necessary.
Still we would far rather they had our money now than wait until we are both dead.

My eldest is 30-something and my mother is 70.

Don't worry OP, your grandchildren will one day be on here posting about how easy you had it and how you should share.

I think a lot of older people are worried about the expense of home care/care homes. Any decent personal care is prohibitively expensive. Sadly there's no crystal ball to say how they will end their days. I do genuinely think that's often why the older generation hoard their savings and investments.

@RedTreeLeaf One problem is that this generation still only sees housing as a way to potentially accumulate wealth. It is NOT and not many people are willing to consider that. It's STUPID to not look at other options. They need to educate themselves and it is EASIER than ever to do so. You are all FOOLS for being so obsessed with being mortgage free.

It still amazes me that some people seem to be able to wave their children off as adults, dust off their hands, think 'job done' and then never feel any sense of responsibilty ever again for them.

As if these lives they created, that literally would not exist but for the choices they made, are now the equivalent of old photographs that they occasionally glance at as a reminder of what their life used to be like while they go off and enjoy the next chapter.

What kind of parent doesn't want their children to have a better life than they had, or at least one as good? And if they have the ability to help make that happen and don't? Well, I know what kind of parent, and what kind of a person, I think that makes them.

Your posts reads as though nobody can possibly be expected to use one braincell and be responsible for their own decisions. Everything is because of the past or society. It's lazy. Lazy people don't accumulate wealth.

Very well said.

My mum likes to hoard money and watch us struggle, even years ago when we really struggled for the basics she never once lent a hand or even got some treats for the children or a bit of food shopping. She’s very well off but was always a selfish and neglectful parent.
I don’t mind though as she will need her money to pay for her care, as I certainly won’t be doing it.
Whst goes around,comes around

Exactly. Financial markets & investing have never before been so accessible to average people.

I have a seven figure portfolio and 80 percent of it is from investing, not home ownership. With maintenance costs etc the house price
appreciation is not particularly profitable for me.

The old man presumably never let OP go hungry, don't get this entitlement at all. Play it cool trig and you ll eventually inherit everything that he or his wife don't need to see out their days.
Marital troubles? All the more reason for Grandad to hold on to the purse strings until things get resolved one way or the other.

Thought I would quickly add that this is a general response to life in general, rather than to the OP - without hearing the other side of the story, it's impossible to judge anyone in this particular situation.

My dad used to give me one of his pensions. He was still well off but he didn't need it all. Obviously he would be well within his rights not to but we look after each other in this family.