Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

He does pay a lot of tax, but my point is about universal benefits, which only exist for pensioners. Ask any high earning parent about child benefit or anyone with any savings about housing benefit.

What sort of life did your dad have growing up. He may not have had things given to him as a child and as he started work, looked after his money. It is a shame that he cannot share things with his children and grandchildren.

I believe elderly parents should enjoy life and spend their money on things they love, as long as it’s done responsibly and without jeopardizing their financial stability. Financial stability in older age is extremely important and should be a top priority for anyone. I don't resent and I support those who save money to pay for medical care, it's a very wise thing to do.

However, I think support for adult children should only be provided if the adult child is honest about their needs, acknowledges they are struggling financially, and understands the parent’s help is crucial for their family’s well-being. They should also agree in writing to provide assistance whenever needed, especially in situations where a close-knit relationship is absent.

The OP gives me the impression that she and her parents aren't close or tight-knit, and there are conflicts due to a lack of strong family bonds. It also seems like it might have been inappropriate for her parents to share their financial situation with her.

OP, I’d recommend that you and your DH concentrate on increasing your income and making smart financial decisions. With careful planning, you could create a better future for your children. Your worry about your kids not being wealthy in the future might come from feeling like your current finances aren’t enough. Teach your children to be financially savvy too, showing them how to build their own wealth in case, hopefully never, you’re unable to support them.

I'm not elderly but I am over 60 and when I see the "younger generation" i see people whose lifestyles are exponentially more indulgent than when I was in my 20s and 30s. Maybe they do, too, and that is why they aren't particularly moved to toss more cash to their descendents.

We did without a lot of stuff that today's families seem to think is indispensible, from clothing and toiletries and spa services to tech and gadgets to holidays abroad to pets etc., in order to save and get ahead. When I hear people complaining that their 10-year-old kitchen is "dated" I look at mine which hasn't been updated since just after the war, and shrug. Or that every kid needs its own bedroom. People I grew up with shared, sometimes three to a room, even when in uni or beyond. When we had roommates and housemates, we shared rooms; we didnt' rent big houses where everyone had their own bedsit and en-suite bathroom. We bought everything at charity shops.

I wasn't able to buy a house (a very modest one, if quaint) till age 38. I have multiple degrees and have always had good jobs, but also nearly always had a second job or side gig. Yes, my savings are huge now, but it's all pretty much come to fruition since about age 50. No one handed me anything on a platter.

They earned their savings. Good for them. They absolutely deserve to do whatever they want with it. Would you be the same in years to come when you want to enjoy yourselves with money you have spent years accumulating. Then your child expects you to finance their children. You are expecting. Rather than being offered. Offering is appreciated. Expecting is entitled. Imo.

Glad you have ‘multiple’ degrees- were they free?

Or like my kids £9k tuition plus living costs?

I agree. The expectations of this generation to start with things like the nice leather lounge suite, the bigger house, etc, straight off is very evident in the young adults I know. We expected to start small and work our way up. We didn't expect to have what our parents had straight away.

My children don't remember the times we struggled as a young family but we were looking at photos recently. They commented on how awful our furniture was back then. Well, yes, it was all second hand and we've spent over 30 years getting to where we are now, gradually improving things as we can. They've wanted for nothing themselves too.

I took it as an opportunity to comment on how it's normal to start with less and grow it over time. Got to foster those realistic expectations of life so you don't end up with children who think they have it unfairly because they aren't where you are in your 50s when they're 30.

My father, who is generous to a fault I must add, once made a very ill judged comment to me when I was struggling to replace a broken washing machine. I was very hurt and said "How many pockets do you want me to tell the undertaker to put in your shroud?" Not because I wanted his money but because I already knew how poor I was, I didnt need him telling me how rich he was in comparison, it was rubbing salt into an already painful wound.

He was very upset when he realised how tactless he had been, because he had actually got an envelope on his side table with enough cash in it for me to buy a new machine with. Hugs, apologies, forgiveness and lessons learned all round.

But thats my father. My mother is far more like your father, she would charge you a pound to smell her fart if she could, but at least she has the decency to keep her gob shut about her hoard (mainly as she doesnt want anyone knowing in case they try to get any of it out of her).

Or they think "let them earn what they want; they'll value it more." No one is going to perish without driving lessons.

I have many charitable bequests outlined in my will, but I'm not running around giving money away (except for about £5k a year to animal welfare and some museums) until I croak, because we don't know what the world will be like in coming years. I may need it.

In my 50s. I paid for my own degrees, had loans. My parents paid very little to help with this. I have paid more towards my children's degrees than the help I got. I will also help them with their loans, which is also help I never got.

Well it’s not just about care homes (you are right that it’s a relatively small percentage but if you do require it, it costs ££££). There are other costs that come with aging. Some may drop dead without any great additional needs around health, some may remain relatively healthy, but many need to pay for eye and dental care, chiropody, care to enable them to stay in their home or end up going private for operations. Taxis to get to medical appointments. There are costs associated with no longer being able to do things in their home such as cleaning, decorating, plus ongoing maintenance etc etc. Even replacing white goods, boiler repairs etc can be challenging financially for some.

I really don’t think until people get to the stage of having a fixed income for the rest of their life that it can be fully appreciated as to how scary that can be for some.

Yes completely concur with you 💚

No, of course they were not free. I attended uni overseas and there were no subsidies for foreign students. (my dad has relatives there). Before that, I worked for seven years as a secretary / admin before going to uni, saving everything possible. Then while in school, and later for my MA, I worked as an assistant in exchange for a small stipend and tuition waiver. Believe me, I fully funded my own education either with money or work. It was not paid for by the state. And I got a late start on my career due to working and saving first. But I never whined for anyone else to give up the fruits of their labour to make my life easier.

I do agree - at that stage ‘now’ is the rainy day

"Got to foster those realistic expectations of life so you don't end up with children who think they have it unfairly because they aren't where you are in your 50s when they're 30."

Exactly. I've no patience for people feeling hard done by because they are renting in their 30s or can't do "days out" with the kids every weekend. Or spend £50 a week on takeaway. We got McDonald's about once a year and considered ourselves lucky. And it was the smallest burger and smallest fries. We were in heaven!

I think a lot of elderly people are also conscious that they may at some point need to go into a care home, so see the money as a safety net to fund care if needed. The council run homes are dire, so you can’t blame them for wanting to go into a private one. And £200k sounds a lot, but really isn’t when you’re looking at thousands of pounds a month in fees.

An aunt died last year. They lived in the most strange way, a tiny flat, wore the same clothes since the 70s (not exaggerating) and wouldnt even pay for a cup of tea when out. Their lives were absolutely miserable at the end because they refused any home help and wouldnt leave home despite being unable to care for themselves. She died suddenly and turned out she is sitting on FOUR MILLION QUID. Most of it cash in the bank. I'll never understand that way of living. I think some get addicted to saving. Im slightly worried my husband has the same attitude 😅

If any good, I won't be hoarding my money....not sure how much I will be having when older but....here another opinion. Not everyone hoards it

Consider yourself lucky you don't understand it. It just shows how little you are able to put yourself into your aunt's shoes and the upbringing the might have had.

She just couldn't change her ways maybe. How have you been able to change your ways?

It's all very well to say that if you had that amount of money you'd spend more etc. I think lots of people don't because they become careful and worry loosing it again. Some simply can't change their habits. Has your aunt actually told you she was miserable or is that your assumption?

My p

So many "poor" people here complaining about their "rich" parents not offering help.

It really boils down to family bonds, relationships, culture, intimacy, empathy, and open conversations about financial matters while growing up and living together.

If you don't communicate to your parents that you're struggling financially and can't make ends meet, how can they know to step in and help you out?

OP, I’d recommend that you and your DH concentrate on increasing your income and making smart financial decisions. With careful planning, you could create a better future for your children. Your worry about your kids not being wealthy in the future might come from feeling like your current finances aren’t enough. Teach your children to be financially savvy too, showing them how to build their own wealth in case, hopefully never, you’re unable to support them.

£250,000 sitting in a bank account? That's insane!
It would be far more beneficial given to the Cats Protection. Think of all the kitties he could save/feed.

Your parents are probably much better off now than they were when they were your age. And also aware that they are getting older and care costs can be huge, and that giving away large amounts of money can count as deprivation of assets which would disqualify them from claiming benefits if they needed more care than they could pay for.
Perhaps your parents are stingy, I'm not saying they are not, but I think your take on the situation is a bit simplistic.

Our family has always helped out the younger generations. We'd rather see our children and grandchildren have the benefit now, when they need it, than wait for us to pop our clogs. My parents and grandparents were the same.

Exactly this. Fortunately for most posters they are too young to understand!!