Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

My parents are both in their early sixties, they still live in my small end terrance childhood home and my stepdad of 30 years still works factory shifts. They never had a lot and were always very careful with money but they are wonderful parents and as children we never went without.

They are now enjoying themselves on cruises and holidays of a lifetime on a regular basis and I couldn’t be happier for them. They are frugal enough to save for their elderly care but if they end up burning through whatever ‘inheritance’ I had coming to me I really don’t care.

I find some of these comments distasteful. Whilst coached in terms like I don’t feel entitled, I don’t begrudge it, it is very clear that posters do want hand outs from their parents and do want their money.

Saving. Saving may enable you to fund home care that will allow you to live in your home and be independent for longer. That means there is less pressure on family to fill any gaps in care too. I know what my parents have. It's an amount that would have been a fortune to me in my 20s/30s but actually worries me, as it's not that much. They are 70 with only 30K in savings. That needs to cover anything that might happen to their house in repairs, their car. Any care needs they may have will have to come from that. Their parents lived till well into their 90s.

I suspect many of the 'I want their money now' types will also be 'too busy' to help out their elderly parents when they need it, if the parent had given them lots of money over the years and couldn't pay for home help as a result of their generosity. Maybe the parents are wise to that and know exactly what to expect from their child? Or just don't want to be a burden to their child?

What do your want your parents to pay for ? Why do you need their money?

I'm with you. I have teenagers and their reality is that they may never afford to buy a home here. My father has two properties, shares and a huge superannuation fund. He is constantly talking about how much money he has. I'm a single parent and have always struggled financially, but have made my own way. I hope he leaves some money that I can pass on to my children, so they can afford to buy a home. He's mid 80s and it seems like it was easier to accumulate wealth in those days. He and my mother definitely worked hard their whole lives, but that isn't enough anymore to create wealth, it seems.

Why are folks havering on about care homes, it’s 2. 5 percent over 65 and 19 percent over 80, so 81 percent of folks don’t go into care homes, peiple are writing like it’s inevitable and most people.

it’s not.

So maybe gently ask him to leave it directly to his grandkids?

No, but some degree of in home care is probably inevitable - cleaning, yard work, repairs, etc. That's why it's important to have some funds, as you do get less capable over time and these things can enable more independence and being able to stay in the home. Unless family want to pick up all that work instead.

It's also sensible to plan for the less likely but costly scenario. I mean, I have life insurance on DH even though it's unlikely we'll need it (hope we don't ever). Sometimes you have to plan to protect yourself should the worst happen.

Why 100? Genuinely surprised to read this! Do you actually expect to go that long? If so, why?

I'm working on a projected age of mid-90s. There's some longevity in my family and both my grandmothers were that age when they died. My mother is 70 and still going strong. So it seems like the best thing to plan for as a possibility and better not to plan short. I imagine 90 and frail is a terrible time to run out of funds.

My ILs are like this. FIL brags about the bank manager telling him that he should move spare money out of his current account as it's not earning anything. He is 90 and has:
20k in his current account
40k in a bank savings account
350k invested in the stock market (at last recent valuation)

We are ok financially - have always stood on our own two feet (or should that be four) however we struggle to help our son who has 2 jobs and in his last year at Uni, to maintain his car (no decent public transport near us) insurance, phone and exist on no maintenance grant.

Not sure what investments MIL (also 90) but they are probably not disimilar in amount. Both are reasonable well health wise (although MIL has dementia and couldn't live on her own if anything happened to FIL) That said I'm not sure how much longer they can live at home either so at least they can go into a nice care home without worrying about funding lol

Never go anywhere or do anything - just wondering why they don't!

As OP I thought I'd wade back in on the debate.

I still feel very conflicted about my feelings but the perspective provided by the many posters has been helpful.

As it came up on several posts I thought I'd say that care will be a consideration for my Dad; my Mum's financial security (if he goes first) will also be a big factor for him. Whilst the costs of care are a huge unknown at the individual level, I can understand someone wanting to keep money aside for those eventualities.

I underestimate how big an issue care is for the older generation. I'm mid forties so perhaps it's too distant in the future. Currently I'm not sure I'll ever have a plan for care beyond "taking things into my own hands" if I become too big a burden to those around me. I know most people will feel differently and my view on this will evolve as the time gets nearer. But I wonder if we had a fairer system for care whether the consensus would shift. Perhaps there's a societal / economic benefit, i.e. earlier wealth transfer + freeing up housing markets.

Many people have assumed I want my Dad's money. Whilst my resentment arose after a conversation about money, I can honestly say I would trade a sizeable inheritance for a more involved and supportive Dad. Parenthood has been unbelievably tough on me and DW, I really don't know how we've clung on and there's still a possibility that my 20 year marriage won't last the distance (as much as it hurts me to admit that). A significant contributing factor is the almost total absence of parental support for the entirety of our children's lives.

Some other thoughts on my views of the generational divide (firmly in the non-boomer camp):

• many older people assume that younger generations' wealth will follow the same trajectory as older generations. I honestly find this point of view baffling. Generally boomers will have had a harder early life but I'm convinced they will have MUCH more comfortable retirements. I could list half a dozen pretty basic reasons why I believe this to be the case. I've yet to have anyone explain to me how the move away from final salary pensions and the stratospheric property / asset price increases in the last 30 years won't lead to a significant drop in standards of living now and long into the future.
• Some may counter with the view that more should be saved for retirement to offset the loss of final salary pensions. I don't think this is realistic. I've tried to explain the generational divide to my parents before that my 90th centile salary affords me an equivalent standard of living (with two children) to the one my parents had on my Dad's median salary (with three children). I'm convinced there will be just as big a difference between me and my children. This isn't to guilt them into giving away their money, it's to breed more understanding. Every time they express an opinion, ascribing to the tired trope of wasteful, work shy younger generations, it brings back feelings and resentment that they haven't been involved in any meaningful way - if they had they would empathise better and have more humility.

My god the difference between irish and English people is horrific..no one in ireland wants to put their parents in homes Unless they really really have too but on mumsnet that's all you ever see,as soon as they get old straight to paying for a nursing home..maybe this man will never need a nursing home..maybe he will live at home until he dies,maybe his family will look after him ? Where will all his money go then ? My Mam didn't have a whole lot so she treated her grandkids while she was alive,so she could see their joy..ridiculous hoarding all this money and gloating about it when his kids and grandchildren are struggling

My parents lived to 97 and 99. It wouldn’t be illogical for me to anticipate living to100.

All of this.

The notion that older people should ameliorate the lifestyles of their descendents and then let the taxpayers fund old-age care is beyond obnoxious. Stop looking to pick others' pockets, millenials.

This sentiment is grim: "He’ll end up giving it all away in care fees instead of enjoying it."

Perhaps like many of us he enjoys knowing that he can finance his own final years instead of being a beggar reliant on the state, just because a greedy descendent wanted a gap year or a house deposit or a new car.

This is true,

It won't take long for private care fees to dwindle savings.

I plan to obviously have savings, but I certainly will be enjoying my money in my retirement (hopefully!) and giving some away to family.

The state will look after you regardless, and I have seen many LA-funded clients be placed in care homes with privately funded clients. They all get the same treatment and care.

Well, I'm in my fifties and my parents wouldn't have paid for a single one of those things for me when I was at university. When I left school, I funded anything I needed or wanted. Maybe that's why this generation seems to want more of a hand in their parents' pockets? They're being kept dependent longer.

I admit I do way more for my children than my parents ever did for me too though.

It is a standard part of reputable financial planning to project living until 100. Centenarians are the fastest-growing age group in the world.

Better to plan for 100 and die at 85 than to plan for 85 and be a vulnerable pauper for 15 years past that.

My financial plan has me running out of money at about age 102. If I croak before that, there are charities and individuals who will get a nice surprise.

My grandparents downsized a year ago and gave away half of their money to children and grandchildren (which we are all grateful for). My grandad spent most of the last year in hospital and very recently died. He worked hard and was as tight as a gnat’s arse for 70 years. I just think what a waste that he saved so hard and went without so much for all that time only to give it all away in the end and not benefit from any of it. He should’ve spent more of his money on himself throughout his life. He never got to the point where he needed care but it was something he worried about. I work with older people in adult social care and the amount of times I’ve heard people in their 80s and 90s complaining about spending their savings as it’s for a ‘rainy day’. When you’re that age, it is now the rainy day you’ve been dreading. If you’ve got it, spend it

No, but then care in their home likely will be needed, if only a cleaner, someone to prepare meals, do the gardening, etc. Either way it's expensive to be old unless one is among the super-fit cohort, which most people are not.

True, but in 1950s there were 5 workers to every retiree now there are 2.8 so by definition they are paying much more. Plus healthcare 50 years ago was way less than today and there was no such thing as triple lock, winter fuel allowance, cold weather allowance, etc etc.
It's not a criticism, it's just a lack of understanding from older generations that think they have "earned it". It's a benefit and shouldn't go to the wealthy.

Can I ask if they needed help at home or a care home?

My husband and I were talking about something similar this evening.

Both my parents health is not good, therefore they don’t spend much but don’t seem to see how difficult it is for us and also my kids generation ☹️

I'm really hoping he leaves them some directly, or some through me, so they can get a start. he's been threatening everyone with writing them out of 'the will' for 30 plus years, so we will see what happens lol

Well he is clearly used to living frugally and clearly likes the security of money in the bank. Noone knows what the future brings and care is expensive. Not just care, but actually I know a lot of 70+ yo who have started to pay for private healthcare because NHS waiting lists are so long - not to mention hearing aids, dental implants and other possibilities that are just a higher quality or quicker than NHS. Also giving up driving, so taking taxis. Life can get expensive as soon as you become frailer or get a few ailments.