Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

I don’t get it either. Even if they don’t want to share with family for whatever reason there are so many good causes.

I have literally no spare money at the moment due to a house maintenance issue I’ll probably have to take out a loan to fix but if I had some spare money I would love to make the Christmas hampers for families at Christmas. There are a million things like that he could get happiness out of spending his money on but some people do get happiness just from hoarding it.

You would think he would love to see his grandchildren being able to drive or pay their rent at uni because of him but a lot of people don’t think like that. They think it’s my money I earned it.

My in laws are sitting on millions, and my mother in laws mother just inherited roughly £60 million after my husbands grandpa passed. My in laws complain about how big their holiday homes pool is and how it’s too expensive to heat, spending roughly £55k a year on maintenance (which is more than my husband makes), and spending £20k a person on their holidays. Meanwhile we are buying reduced groceries at lidl and trying not to turn on the heat still. It’s true- it’s theirs, but i don’t want my children to struggle the same way and it motivates me to keep going.

Or he leaves it to charity in his will when he knows he won't need it for care.

Because that poster @LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa wanted the money for themselves! 😆

I do find the idea of hoarding wealth and not helping family out strange, but also each to their own and such. My DP are fairly well off, not millionaires but they are able to spend money on luxuries freely. They don't go and give me/DH/my kids money just because, but they do treat us to luxuries, eg a nice family holiday, meals out and so on. I do ask DM not to buy stuff constantly for my DDs as I don't want them to expect that as normal, but I am grateful if she treats them to a nice day out somewhere or if their birthday/Christmas presents are more expensive.

I fully intend on treating my DDs the same when they have kids - me and DH are in agreement that we don't want to spoil them, but we also don't want to see them struggle either. Assuming nothing changes between now and when my DP pass, we will set aside a chunk of my inheritance for my DDs for a house deposit or similar thing depending where they're at in their lives. I will treat my potential future grandkids to family holidays and such if I'm able. And if something does change and I inherit nothing, then that's life so ah well 🤷‍♀️ I'll still try my very best to support my DDs into adulthood and even if I'm totally broke I'll still support them with my time if they want help with free childcare for eg

Sure! But you’re also not the same as other people. Look on the Elderly Parents threads and you’ll see there are a LOT of us caregiving for older parents who made no contingency plans and refuse outside help.

My mum is a bit that way...

Only a couple of days ago, in the midst of a chatty phonecall, she suddenly goes, "Oh! The stock market has done very well lately! One of my shares is now worth £100,000! I should probably split that up a bit! Tee hee hee!"

All I can do is go, "Oh yes, you should probably split that up a bit in case the stock market collapses..."

It’s mind-boggling isn’t it?

it wouldn’t be so bad if they invited you on their mega-holidays, or said come and enjoy our pool (instead of complaining about the maintenance costs) – but I but that’s not the case.

As I said, mind boggling that someone can just keep all that money for themselves and not share it with their family who are struggling.

Dreadful. Selfish. Cold.🥶

But if you make contingency plans, i.e. saving for your old age, you are hoarding! Can't win.

It’s not an either/or. You can do both if you are wealthy. Keep some money for your old age and ALSO help and share your good fortune and wealth with your family. MY PERSONAL VIEW IS THAT IT’S AN EXCUSE, AND THEY ARE JUST USING THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO HOLD AND KEEP THE MONEY AND POWER TO THEMSELVES. It may also be a way of them exerting control over their family!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to use the capitals, my iPhone did something weird then!

PS. Didn’t Charles Dickens write a book about this, condemning the moral outlook of the miser and hoarder.? A Christmas Carol? Though I believe they changed the name to Scrooge?

I think people fail to comprehend the impact that mass immigration has had upon their lifestyles. The population has increased by 20% since the year 2000. Basic supply and demand theory tells you what will happen to house prices and rents.

During the 1950s-1990s London was depopulating. Inner city London was considered to be crime ridden, bombed out and run down. House prices were lower because nobody wanted to live there. That's why you could buy a nice house in Chiswick.

Wages have also stagnated for twenty years due to an unlimited supply of unskilled labour as more and more people arrive, year after year.

Young people seem to be clueless and appear to be in favour of unlimited immigration. If anybody connects the dots, they just scream 'racist' at them.

You reap what you sow.

Your parents know you better than I do.

You've previously stated that they thought you should work full-time, if you needed more money.

Do you have a history of laziness coupled with an entitlement to their money? Do they perhaps think you're faking/exaggerating your illness in order to avoid working and/or to have them subsidise your lifestyle choices?

I think that there's possibly a story here that we're not aware of.

This thread is about money. They are not fortunate. What's my generation, just out of interest?

OMG. It's fuckwit bingo.

Just wow. Pretty rude. You’ve never even met this person but you are attacking them, let’s be honest. Unfortunately, this is the mindset of a large section of MN. That’s why I rarely join threads, basically because of these unpleasant posts and posters. I do really think it’s time to close my account again. MN seems to attract these kinds of people, and it’s better for people who are not like that, not to interact with them.

This is the reality of the situation - my personal view is that the truth can hurt but it’s the truth nonetheless. Using expletives and profanities at other posters doesn't really change things I’m afraid!

I know they’re some very rich pensioners out there with plenty of spare cash. My MIL was complaining when they took her winter fuel money away that it was ‘her NY money’ She gets it back soon too after the Govt U turn. I think tell him how you feel? How you’re struggling? He might be completely unaware, men can struggle to read the room sometimes!

This.

I am starting to think about this for my children. My husbands parents were delighted to give us quite a large lump when we had a young family. We paid off our mortgage and it allowed me to be a SAHM when the kids were babies/toddlers. They said they wanted to see us enjoy the money. There were no strings, we could do what we wished. I want to do the same. I know on retirement I and DH will get lump sums and whilst we wont leave ourselves short we will def give our kids a leg up. What is the point of hoarding it? I can understand your frustration esp as you cant do anything. If he wants to keep it all thats his perogative.

Yes, you might remind him about this.

Some people can't see further than the end of their nose.

I wasn't replying to you, unless you're using 2 accounts at the same time, which I believe is called sock-puppetry. Also swearing is allowed on Mumsnet.

Yes, of course it depends on what is feasible. The point is that decent people want to ensure they leave their children in the same of better circumstances than they enjoyed themselves, if at all possible, and help in any way they can. And that it’s appalling to be extremely well off and happy to watch your own children and grandchildren struggle and suffer.

Exactly. Because you’re a lovely, caring Mum.

No, I did not state that. I’ve always worked full time and still do now, although virtually housebound and in constant pain.

Try reading it again.

Laziness? I am working full time while chronically ill and caring for two children with disabilities as their sole parent. I hardly think someone who has been sitting on their backside for the last 20 years and done nothing for anyone - no volunteering or charity work, nothing for family - could call me lazy with a straight face.

Lifestyle choices? Having a dead husband and disabled children you mean? Or my own degenerative illness? Yeah, mea culpa: I brought it all on myself.

What disgusting comments.