Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

And that's your money your choice. Others won't receive a deposit from their parents because their parents cannot afford to.

Perhaps you could explain something of those circumstances, because I’ve never heard of an individual being able to buy two council properties on the tenant discount and the legislation was set up to preclude that.

At least he is saving it! My mum and stepdad have so much pension (I’d say at least £8000 per month) that they’ve sold up their house and moved to a beachfront villa (not in the UK) which they are renting for a stupid amount of money - more than our sizeable mortgage on our family home.

Now to each their own and yes, it’s their money to spend, so fine. We are NC and I don’t expect an inheritance, though they don’t have any family to leave anything to (are NC with all their children and grandchildren, that’s a different thread 😂). I just think it’s a very silly approach to living for the moment and not wanting to think about unpleasant things.

Meanwhile, Dh and I are working towards being mortgage free in our 40s and putting investments in place so we have a nest egg for when we’re older in case pensions go poof. But I’m not sure who will fund their care as costs of everything goes up and they don’t have equity in a house anymore and are just spending on luxury things. They don’t have access to the NHS as are residents in at country where it’s private healthcare only for the most part (unless you are very poor). If one of them ends up in care, I’m not sure there will be funds left for £2500 a month in rent and just general costs of living. But they don’t like to think about that stuff, I don’t think. They like fun and shopping, which I guess it their prerogative, but still.

The irony is that the people espousing views like this seem to want to avoid money (that isn’t even theirs) going on IHT payments which would benefit everyone, so the most non-individualistic outcome possible.

None of my class mates, neighbours, friends, relatives went to university. Very, very few people did in those days. Only the very brightest. We all went to work to contribute to the family living costs because no one could afford to continue in education unless it was night school. I'm 72. I started my first job, after school and weekends, when I was 14.

Do you understand what "relevant" means? As in something which has an impact on the subject you are discussing?

BUYING A HOUSE FOR £12K AFFECTS THEM RIGHT NOW. In 2025, they are better off because they bought a house for £12k.

Marital rape not being a crime 32 years ago DOES NOT impact whether they have wealth right now, which they could share, but choose not to.

One is RELEVANT because it has an impact on whether they have wealth today or not. One is IRRELEVANT because it has no impact on whether they have wealth today or not.

We are NC

How do you know so much about their lifestyle and finances then?

I worked really hard at school, got a fairly decent degree, then a good publishing career.

But of course, life was horrid and dealt me a bad hand - two concussions, post concussion syndrome, a breakdown, a movement disorder caused by an off label psychotropic medication... so my earning power has been curtailed somewhat 😅 😐

Believe me, I would love to earn more than I do now. I don't even earn minimum wage, but I've pushed through hell with my chronic health problems and made things carry on.

It's awful when you want to go further but can't. I've been extremely fortunate to have very generous parents who've helped financially a lot over the years, and I truly believe I'd literally not be here if that hadnt happened.

I'm so grateful for their kindness but wouldn't dream of expecting anything else and certainly wouldn't sit here waiting for them to pass on their wealth when gone! My parents are more valuable and precious to me alive, and no amount of money would be enough to match that.

I guess at least if he/your mum ends up needing a care home or care at home, they can pay for it.

I don’t agree that the state pension shouldn’t be means tested though either.

Can't you see how this is different for everyone and literally depends on your circumstances of origin?

My parents could not gift me a deposit, but I still grew up in a better economic situation than them. Unlike my grandparents and parents I did not live through war or post-war times. I did not have to flee my country or freeze in winter. So that how life was better than for me than for them.

I can't imagine what it must feel like if you get gifted a deposit by your parents. I'd probably think I'd won the lottery because of how I grew up. If they suddenly came into money now I certainly wouldn't feel as though they have to give me part of it so I can live an even better life. It's bizzare to me.

Everything is relative. For you or others the next step up is being gifted a deposit. For someone else it might be for their children to not live on a council estate. It may take another 2 or 3 generations before anyone can gift a deposit to anyone.

Intergenerational resentment is really unpleasant.

Boomers went out to work at 16 whilst Gen Z often dont start work until 23 or later. That's 7 additional years of saving by boomers. No wonder they could buy property and 'hoard' money.

Gen Z don't realise THEY have to put in the effort. They need to reframe their thinking and not expect something for nothing.

Each of the current cohort of retirees on average is using over £200,000 of state welfare and services above their lifetime tax payments in real terms.

Do you have any evidence for this? If so I’d really like to see it.

These people who are hoarding money for care - considering buying a care annuity. Could save them a fortune but it’s a risk of course - they might never need care.

Thinking back all four of my grandparents died in early 70s. All of them heart attacks. Only one smoked or drank alcohol. Only one on the large side by standards back in the 70s.

No nursing homes needed for them.

I don't know whose getting my share, I get my SRP and a prescription for my under active thyroid every month which can't add up to £200k.

An elderly relative with dementia gets SRP and attendance allowance. Private nursing home for ten years all paid for with investments from the proceeds of her house. Whose getting her share? Can she make a claim for her share for the last ten years?

I think it is true that peoples sense of "entitlement", probably better described as a "is strongly related to the perception of quality of life.

The reason people need to rely on their parents wealth is the fact that the cost of living in society and maintaining a certain quality of life is getting greater than ever. Housing costs, childcare costs, education costs, pension costs, living costs such as energy and water. It is getting more difficult for the average person to meet those costs given the level of earnings and taxation.

I think if people are capable of funding these themselves, they have no need to look to outside sources, but when they can't, and getting a house big enough for your family to live comfortably becomes a constant struggle, then yes, it is hardly surprising they are going to look at their relatives wealth that they think might be surplus to their requirements and think about how it could improve their lifestyle.

So the amount of "entitled people" and threads they post is very much going to scale with how difficult it is in society to make a living for yourself and your family.

As I think you point out, it's very easy to not covert some of your parents seemingly extra resources if you have plenty of resources yourself. If you are living on the breadline and you are seeing your kids do without on a daily basis it is much more of a struggle to stay detached when you know you there could be assistance..

@LondonLass61 yes, but I too pay all of this, but have no expectation that I'll be entitled to state support in old age. State benefits are almost all means tested, except the state pension. Which means people who do not need it get it. For these people, it's state-subsided wealth beyond necessity, which is, I think, a type of scrounging? Maybe i don't understand the word. Either way, I think it's unfair, and unsustainable.

The retorts to my points all seem to be referencing personal circumstances - mine or theirs. I'm not talking about me being entitled to your money. I'm talking about a system which unfairly distributes wealth, and which I think should be changed. And I am suggesting that those who benefit from this system might want to pause and ask who is actually being entitled - as @Naunet says, it's not fair. It's not about hard work at all. Not that anyone should have to give their money away - giving it to their children, for example, would only entrench the unfairness. Just, it would be more honest to acknowledge, as @Naunet does, that it's a result of an unfair system. But many do not, and instead refer to their own hard work as if it's so quantifiably, fundamentally different from that of their parents or children that they, alone of the generations, deserve this unprecedented, unsustainable level of personal wealth.

My granny hoarded her money and was a real Scrooge about it. Seldom helped anyone and lamented often that she didn’t know what to do with “all this money”. She’s a terrible person in an hundred other ways and eventually had to go into a care home when she reached her late 90s. So far she’s spent about £150k of her hoarded wealth on care fees. It’s terrible what an utter waste it is to watch, but equally sort of poetic that her ill-will-wealth has been spent on that.

I might have the wrong end of the stick but are you saying he has savings of £250,000 to get him through retirement? If he needs care then he will get through it pretty quickly!
My husband and I are certainly aiming for far more cash than that to support everyday living/bills, a bit of travel, enjoying family and then inevitable health care needs when elderly.

The biggest travesty of higher education is the Blair government canning vocational training and pushing more people into university education. That might have worked if they’d also had an industrial and science policy to drive demand for all these graduates but they didn’t. Net result was depressed incomes for a generation or two of young people, while at the same time saddling them with large amounts of debt.

Add to that a pincer movement of ever increasing minimum wage and ever decreasing levels within organisation and not only are starting graduate salaries low, the ability to progress is nowhere near as easy as it was pre Blair. I left school with average A levels in ‘89, went to a decent university and started on an average graduate training programme in ‘92, in the depths of a recession. By the time a Blair came to power my salary had already tripled. I am sure that that wasn’t possible post Blair.

I explained my situation in an earlier post. I do work, in constant pain, but only from home now. I still earn a decent salary due to working so hard earlier in my career before I became ill and my husband died. They were babies at the time, and their disabilities not yet apparent.

I have secured our financial situation as much as possible but we were just starting out so I can’t afford the remaining mortgage (obviously some was paid off by life insurance and moving somewhere smaller) and their specialist childcare (to enable me to work) and their medical bills (non-existent NHS). Then I became chronically ill with a degenerative illness.

I could not possibly have worked harder when I was younger. Actually I supported myself living alone since I was a teenager. I put myself through university, did professional qualifications and worked extremely hard to build a good career.

My health declines every year because I am doing too much against medical advice. My demise would be slower, I am told, if I could rest more. If things carry on as they are they will likely be orphans before they are adults and there is nobody else to take them in so although I have life insurance set up to provide for them financially, this won’t provide them with a parent or a home or love. I am all they have.

My family know this and haven’t lifted a finger to help in any way, practically or financially. My father has many millions of pounds. He does not care.

I’m sorry, but I find many of the posts on this thread saying “it was your choice to have children”, “it’s not their problem”, “it’s their money, they can do what they like with it” deeply callous and quite disgusting. We are talking about family. What is the point of it at all, if this is the attitude? They may as well be a random stranger if the consensus is supposed to be that family has no responsibility to care about or help each other in any way.

If I am here when my children are older I would prefer to be homeless before I ever put them and especially young grandchildren through such insecurity and completely avoidable risk of their lives being ruined entirely having already suffered trauma at a young age, let alone do so when I could transform their lives without any impact on my own life whatsoever.

There are such incredibly selfish people who do this to their families not because there would be any prospect that helping them financially would cause any insecurity to themselves in any conceivable way but because they are this disgustingly selfish and simply do not care.

For who was this a waste?

I sadly find some of the worst offenders in the ‘we worked hard’ stakes are plenty of women over 65 ( I’m 63) who did a bit of part time ( under 20 hours in a lot of cases once their kids were adults ) or in quite a few cases not a tap of paid work after they had kids and actually paid zilch into the system too - they basically simply lived off their husbands wages. I’m not saying they didn’t work hard at home, I know many did, but they have no concept of society ( and many husbands and partners too) of being expected to be fully contributing financially both to the household and to state tax and being kind of still expected to keep a nice home, cook meals, look after children - but they still trot out the ‘we worked hard’ - this clearly isn’t every woman of a certain age, but it’s absolutely a lot

In what way is a waste to spend one’s money on care fees to ensure a comfortable later life? Are you one of those that think the state should provide that for free so you can inherit? You sound delightful - ill will wealth indeed!

Why do you consider this a “waste”? Using one’s own money to provide care for oneself - is surely the least wasteful use of one’s own money.