Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

The other thing to say, is that this ‘waiting for parents to die’ attitude isn’t necessarily a new thing. I am reminded of my late husbands parents, who spent much of their prime working life just waiting for her mother to die. He worked in a garage, she worked part time in a clothes shop. They had a modest lifestyle - nothing wrong with that - but no ambition or desire to work harder because they thought they would inherit a fortune. That side of the family was, to them, relatively well off.

Unluckily for them my husband’s grandmother lived to be well into her 90s, by which time his parents were in their 60s. Yes, they did inherit a reasonable amount of money - probably high 6 figures or so after tax, maybe even scraping 7 figures, but they’d spent over 30 years waiting, and living a far less comfortable life than they could have done had they made more of it.

Yes, they are having a comfortable retirement, but no more so than the standard of living they could have had for 30 years before if they’d had a bit of drive. The cycle is repeating, and my late husbands brother will now inherit the lot, and he hasn’t really worked at all since his 30s. Separated from his long time partner and living in social housing, waiting for his parents to die so he can inherit…. I can’t think of anything worse than - what a sad way to live. But there are two generations in one family who have, basically, spent 60 years waiting for people to die right there. Needless to say I have t kept in touch - we have nothing in common and they are just rather shallow people.

Is this your prescription for those of us who cannot improve our circumstances in any way and are already clinging on by our fingernails in chronic pain through sumperhuman effort every day yet have very wealthy parents who are content to watch us suffer, and even their grandchildren become orphans because of their refusal to help financially when this would impact their lives in no way whatsoever?

You think this is acceptable?

What, precisely, do you suggest that I do to “improve my own circumstances”? I’d love to hear your magical solution that I haven’t thought of in the very many sleepless nights that I’ve spent worrying about this.

LOL.

you’re a bit like me - you like to make your point tho’ 😄

As for Chiswick, wouldn’t you have to be a millionaire banker or a foreign investor to buy a house in Chiswick now?

You must be trolling now. When was the last time you changed a habit you have had since birth ? When was the last time you made a real effort to change your view on something you didn't think you could change?

And by the way, I'm not suggesting that because someone has had a hard life they shouldn't help others, my point was you can't cherry pick the good bits when you bang on about how easy boomers had it, you have to acknowledge the whole picture, and in many ways they didn't have it better at all.

So do you really think that a whole generation got together to purposefully make the lives of their children and grandchildren worse? You must know an awful lot of horrible people.

We are wrong whatever we do. If we save money to fund potential needs in old age so that we can be self sufficient if possible we are mean hoarders. If we give money to the next generation or, God forbid, go on a few nice holidays after working for 50 years, we have frittered our money away and are expecting the rest of society to fund our old age!

100%. As I mentioned earlier, I believe that a lot of those posters are accusing people of being “entitled“ are actually very secure and comfortably £££ off, thank you very much! They don’t need any help. (I wonder what their attitude would be to their own children who was struggling e.g. because of health issues, and other difficult circumstances, etc).

I'm really sorry, this sounds like such a trap. I would suggest seeing your parents for who they are and accept it. It's the hardest thing to do. Likely, the money part isn't the only thing or the first time you felt 'not taken care of'.

People here speak in generlisations, and I did too. I don't think anyone meant for anyone chronically ill/unable to work (more) to better their economic situation.

What else would you call going to University on a grant system and then voting for parties who raised tuition fees to £9k a year and have defunded maintenance loans to the point where they don't even cover accommodation?

I think you're just meant to die so that your money can be handed over to the More Important Family Members and you contribute towards more available properties being on the market.

The percentage of people my age who went to university would not be enough to vote anything through.

You keep banging on about things that HAPPENED, PAST TENSE. It's irrelevant. We're talking about NOW. Those things did not impact on their ability to become financially very comfortable. If you'd like to set up a post when we can all talk about problems that Boomer women had to face 50 years ago, then go ahead. As long as you're not going to try to claim that those problems make them poor TODAY.

Very few of today's pensioners went to uni. It's a recent thing this expectation that most young people do that.

Nobody said anything about people doing it “on purpose”, whatever that means.It’s just that if you get lucky, it’s usually nice to share it 😊, especially with family.

However, this is an alien concept for many people on MN. I think it’s their highly “individualistic” way of looking at the world.

America and Britain are two of the most individualistic countries in the world. And when you see debates like this, it is very clear that that is the case, where people feel no sense of sharing their good fortune even with their own family. Some of us just find that attitude bizarre.

Who changed the hiring practises so that only graduates can get roles outside of minimum wage dead end jobs? Who voted against the parties that suggested that all jobs should pay a living wage so that non-graduates can survive of their minimum wage jobs?

But you as a parent can make any decision you want for your kids? The fact that grandparent's don't 'help out' doesn't stop you from making different choices.

It's bizzare that those moaning here likely expect some inheritance. Imagine the millions out there that won't even see a penny, let alone handouts to help with uni accommodation or singing lessons.

My view partly informed by the fact that I am secure (yes, I gave that to myself) and partly by the fact that I will never receive an inheritance. Nothing. The idea that my parents could help me out in difficult situations never even occured to me because I knew they could not.

OK then all of it is irrelevant, including that they could buy a house for 12k and therefore might be better off financially than you will be at their age, so suck it up princess.

Why are you talking about things that happened in the past?

And it is the younger people paying for these very expensive healthcare treatments from their tax.

Each of the current cohort of retirees on average is using over £200,000 of state welfare and services above their lifetime tax payments in real terms. They have also then benefitted from free education, final salary pensions, state pensions from an early age, growing incomes throughout their working lives and much lower taxes proportionate to income levels, lower living costs, much more opportunity for progression even without qualifications, rising standards of living, huge inflation of housing values that are being paid for now with interest by the younger people who have later bought those houses, huge inflation in investment values in other assets also.

They voted for policies that would benefit them on top of being lucky with the time when they were born, have then pulled the ladder up behind them and then somehow convince themselves that it was down to their “hard work” then trot out some nonsense about a couple of brief economic downturns when their extreme luck is pointed out to them. They also, despite this, feel entitled to welfare paid for by the less privileged generations behind them even when they have no need of it. Not everyone in that generation is like this but a large number are and have convinced themselves that their current financial position is of their own making when economic data proves that this is absolutely not the case, and try to blame society’s woes - which were largely created by their own generation - on those now suffering the consequences.

It isn’t younger people who are the entitled ones on the whole. Expecting some solidarity in families to mitigate the worst impacts of the terrible state in which the current retirees have left the country and economy is not at all unreasonable.

It’s truly shocking to me how so many people on this thread seem to dislike their parents. All the focus is on getting your hands on their money to ease your own life right now. Wanting their money to get yourself a weekly babysitter to have a date night was almost laughable in its blatant entitledness. Constant references to “their grandchildren” needing financial support from them…these are YOUR children and your responsibility. It’s utterly gross. Luckily I don’t know a single soul IRL who behaves likes this so hopefully you are all in a minority, but it’s ugly to read. As I said before, grow up and take responsibility for yourself.

Indeed. Kids need to stand on their own feet . But a second home or give them a deposit? Go on a luxury cruise or give then a deposit. I know what I’d choose.

That’s less than 3 years for one person in a care home 🤷🏻‍♀️ if he dies before needing one then you’ll inherit. Not sure I can understand the issue. I’d also assume he’s paying tax despite being retired.

my parents are saving loads at the moment - they can’t go anywhere due to both having cancer treatment. I don’t begrudge them that. Talking about money always leaves someone feeling jealous or downcast. Don’t do it.

@Blueyrocks
.....the extent that it's subsidised by a state benefit, yeah. I would think these formerly hard working pensioners would be ashamed to be benefit scroungers.'
This 'benefit scrounger' and friends, siblings etc has been paying NI and taxes since 1978, still paying and will be paying until I get my state pension in 3 years. FFS.

@BoringBarbie
Not being able to get a mortgage (which wasn't an issue if you were married anyway as 1 salary comfortably bought a house) 50 years ago
More misinformation - my parents (and those of many friends) both worked but rent was so expensive they were never able to save for a deposit.

Therefore, I have never inherited anything and always expected to make my own way, which I have - despite my mortgage rate being 16% in the early 90's.
Life is hard - it was harder for my parents and for their parents but I never heard any of them moan about not getting a handout, particularly not for singing lessons.

Most people who’ve been in that situation want to make things different for their own children and grandchildren and ensure that they can help them or at least provide a safety net, rather than taking the view that because they had to struggle they should deliberately inflict the same on subsequent generations when they don’t need to do so.

Do you think your parents would have refused to help you if they had been wealthy and you’d been in need?

I agree 100% with this post.
Whatever you think about the post war period is wrong. Maybe listen to those of us who lived through that period. Of course some of the population were always well off & always will be. I can only confirm what was pertinent to me, my family & peers.
Cash was short, clothes were second hand, accommodation was freezing, one bath a week, women skivvies.
Read again @DoraSpenlow to know that this is a true statement.