Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

It’s hard to start spending freely if you’ve not had much money in your younger days. We have a reasonable amount through sensible decisions, hard work and luck. We have helped the children and gc, but I have to admit I do worry about care costs now I’m in my 70s. Our money won’t last long as people point out and I too would like the choice of where I end up and for my children to inherit something.

My parents have over a million, they live off my dads pension which isnt much until my mums kicks in. (Both early retirement) both are due large inheritances off their own parents. Its their money, they can do what they want. Don’t begrudge them for it all. However when I was a kid they took me & siblings on very expensive hoildays every year so maybe thats why im not grumbling.

They do. But years ago buying a house was much more affordable than it is now. You could even do it on one average income, in some areas. There were no student loans and there was no legitimate threat to our working lives like AI is (to many people).

Honestly, I lost my mum this year and she had hundreds of thousands in the bank. I just wish she’d spent it all and done all the things she dreamt of rather than having a terminal diagnosis and being dead two weeks later. She thought she had time and she didn’t. So I do think you’re unreasonable to want the money spent on you , rather than encouraging him to spend it and have joy from all the hard work it took to get him there.

£250,000 is probably considerably less than 5 years in a care home. I can’t see that he can do anything else than put it away safely for his old age.

I don't know what kind of life your father leads but both my parents and those of ExDp were born into poverty, careful with money and saved (fear is a great motivator) but really saved money in later retirement as they did nothing. Literally nothing. No holidays (difficult, unwell) no expensive hobbies, little socialising. In both cases all the money gone in care fees. Mine burned through over £350 000 at least, probably more.
Ignore your dad - or maybe ask him if he can help your kids with a first car or Uni fees?

To the posters saying 'it's his money he can spend it how he chooses etc'. He may have amassed that wealth from being completely stingy when OP was growing up. If a 30 something guy refused to take his yound DC on holiday I doubt people would say 'it's his money he can spend it how he chooses'.

Growing up I had 1 foreign holiday and 1 trip to London in 18 years. We never went on day trips anywhere and never celebrated any events barring Christmas and birthdays. Now retired my parents enjoy lavish expensive holidays. However, they treat their DC frequently and help with school runs etc which is priceless. The lack of holidays doesn't bother me now as they are generous to DC and have built wonderful relationships with them through quality time more than gifts.

Sounds like OP father is an absolute scrooge. Imagine being retired for your entire DC lives but barely helping out or making an effort to build a relationship.

See, older people now in their 60s/70s actually lived very frugal lives and sometimes find it difficult to spend money. They were also not given anything financially from their parents/grandparents so this is something they're not used to. Care costs are horrendous and if he ever needs care his money will help to pay for better options than being in a council run home.

Some people are just so grabby and entitled, it's awful.

Most homes are privately run and roughly half of them have a combination of self-funders and residents who’re funded by the state.

300k in ISAs will give you £1k tax free income at 4% - this maybe part of his income

Whilst the capital amount of 250k might sound a lot when you are partway through life it’s not huge in terms of an income vehicle in retirement (my point of reference for this is the early retirement group I am on)

boomers think the millennium are lazy and money wasters compared to them at the same age. They believe millennials value instant gratification over investment and savings.

I have to say i think there's an element of this & being disappointed in their DCs careers or lack thereof. My parents generation generally improved upon their upbringing, they accessed better education and in many cases moved from working class to middle, their parents were proud of them as the first to attend university or own a home. They didn't "follow their dreams", they looked for jobs that paid well. They lived extremely carefully to save money,

Then our generation have come along and we must seem entitled. We only want to do jobs that are exciting/fulfilling/glamorous, we expect to have fun now and save money later, there's absolutely zero delayed gratification. We borrow endlessly for lifestyle choices like the latest tech gadgets, branded cars, trendy home decor and holidays.

On here you often find stories of grandparents "hoarding" money and not giving it to their DC but there's often an undercurrent that the grandparents don't value what the DC would want to piss it away on

Same. I’m very worried about my old age, the thought of spending all the money and assets we have built up to pass to our children to help them in life on care home fees so I can sit there existing just waiting to die is awful.
Neither dh or I had any help or inheritance from our parents and we struggles hugely but have done well and we want it to go to the dc and also
plan to help them as much as possible whilst we can when they need it.
After seeing my grandmother with dementia I’d rather check myself out of life than live like that spending all the money that the children could use to make their life better

My husband is in a care home. It’s a charity and 25% of residents must be funded by the local authority. It’s a lovely place and the majority of the staff have been there for years. Not all care homes are awful and it’s not fair to expect people to be full time carers. I did it for 20 years - enough is enough!

I was referring to cars homes which is 2.5% of people under85 and 10% after. So it's a small percentage.

Many people pay for gardeners window cleaners etc before they get old anyway

We never had any savings at all until 50-ish, then we paid off the mortgage, we now save 3k a month as the kids are grown and gone and the mortgage paid off and we both started pensions at 19 and 20. We also worked far more hours than 75 a week when we were young and were a four person household, DH was originally a HGV driver working abroad and I worked FT in an office.

Keep doing as you're doing and it will get easier, but for now I think your envy is unfair. At almost 60 we are now very comfortable, but for the first 5 decades of our lives we were most definitely not.

My parents were savers rather than hoarders. It used to frustrate me that they rarely treated themselves. They were always very generous to their children and grandchildren.

It meant more to them that they were leaving their wealth to us. I do appreciate that very much, but it was their money, I wish they’d spent more of it. They also made no use of ISAs or other ways to maximise interest. They had hundreds of thousands in regular bank account earning no interest.

The idea of having to pay for their care was anathema to them. Thankfully, they never did.

Yes it is. Things were tight for us when child rearing. It wasn’t until DC had flown the next that our financial situation improved. With retirement poking its head over the horizon, attitudes towards finances started to change. Once the mortgage was paid off, we were able to save more and spend more before knuckling down further with retirement in mind.

£250k which may seem a lot of money, is not a great deal if paying for care is needed. It’s not as simple a thinking about care/nursing homes. There are other costs associated with health and getting older, be it taxis to medial appointments, some private care such as chiropody, physio, carers coming into the home etc etc. Then there are additional costs around the home as you are no longer able to get on and decorate, do DIY, clean etc etc. that will obviously be very individual. I am not sure that anyone who had not retired, can fully get to grips with how it feels having a fixed income for the rest of your life and not knowing what your expenses will be.

I don’t want to make my comments political, but the withdrawal of the winter fuel allowance last year, created fear for a lot of pensioners last year. Extra money had to be found out of a tight budget with some having to eat or heat. Whilst OPs DF is able to save more a month than most pensioners receive, there is still a certain mindset. Throw in the current state of the county and the increasing cost of living. When you are of working age, you can look to increase income, but very few can do that when retired. There is a fear that you will run out of money.

That is because they haven't had to " break out" and work their way up of course. They've had a comfortable life from the start so never known struggle. Where's the incentive?

Who are you talking about?

I am in a similar position. Have decided on one of these new age rentals. In city centre, well being focused with on site maintenance, restaurant and consierge, flexible contract and no deposit.

It's about £24,000 per year as opposed to £100,000. Good if you at that in between stage, i.e, know you'll need care in a few years but still independent.

It's insensitive of him to boast about it. I have two friends who seems to delight in telling me how much money they've got and how it keeps coming in faster than they can spend it. They know I've struggled and have to be very frugal but even when I point out that I don't want to hear about it and ask them to change the subject, they just carry on. I have to tell myself that it's their sole solace in life and hoarding money has become their main focus.

It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives.

that is incredibly sad

I have spent so much time with my grandchildren and im so lucky to be able to

Then our generation have come along and we must seem entitled. We only want to do jobs that are exciting/fulfilling/glamorous, we expect to have fun now and save money later, there's absolutely zero delayed gratification. We borrow endlessly for lifestyle choices like the latest tech gadgets, branded cars, trendy home decor and holidays.

That's a result of people not having to struggle to survive and work their way up to a comfortable lifestyle. Many people have grown up expecting the lifestyle.No hunger to improve things thence why the generation above can be disappointed or not " get" the attitude

It's their money. Not yours or anybody else's. They might have struggled in poverty as children, so they feel cushioned and 'protected' by having a lot saved so that those days will never come back. I agree them going on about it is a bit annoying, but just get on with your own life.

You have to do it a bit earlier than 86 really if large amounts like that. But I think the OP was talking about much smaller amounts making a big difference.