Husband going through bin for cat food

[mrsgumpy]

So I need some perspective on this. And yes I know it is ridiculous to be arguing about cat food.

My husband hates waste. He thinks I don't get all the cat food out of the sachet when I feed the cat. I try to squeeze all the cat food out but I find it disgusting so I am not going to use a teaspoon and scrap every last bit out of the sachet. I prefer to get as much as I can out by squeezing the sachet and then chucking it in the bin. However, every time I feed the cat, DH goes into the rubbish bin, finds the sachet and then scraps the rest of the cat food out. It drove me a bit crazy for a while and then I just decided to let him go for it. This morning it started to irritated me all over again to see DH rummaging in the bin and then trying to scrap out tiny morsels of cat food from the sachet.

I am the first up in the morning, which is why I feed the cat otherwise I would just leave him to it. Whenever he feeds the cat it is such a palaver that the poor cat is almost beside himself with waiting for something to eat. DH also likes to ration the cat's food to avoid waste so he eeks out the cat food in small portions over the course of the day, which means we have a constantly meowing cat around the house. Drives me crazy.

Ok, so what do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let DH rummage through the bin for cat food and not care about it?

This sounds incredibly difficult, OP. I think I would have difficulty feeling physical affection at any level towards someone who treated me this way. I would not be wanting to share a bed

But I don’t think cats need wet food if they can have high quality kibble (the small biscuits) on demand. Our beautiful, shiny female thrived on a diet of dry food, a small bowl of morning milk, plenty of water and the odd treat of a small portion of liver, fish, giblets, etc. She finally had to be PTS age 17

We have the jelly ones. Husband still thinks he can scrape out the dregs. I have started rinsing as suggested and tip water into dish and barely anything is coming out.

The responses have really made me reflect on far more examples of this beyond the cat food. Really appreciate everyone's perspectives.

In terms of the cat though, he really is beautifully healthy and people often comment on it. I am giving him one sachet in the morning, one at night, and biscuits at other times. I did notice this morning that shortly after I fed him (whole sachet plus biscuits) that he got up from his sleep in the sun when I came in the room and immediately started meowing for food. He is a pretty vocal cat generally. BUT I am certain that if DH had his way, he would only be getting one sachet a day. I have decided to completely take over the feeding and not put up with DH's miserliness. On occasion the cat had been getting into our food - like bread (in its plastic bag) left on the bench - so surely that is a sign of him being hungry? It is really icky and depressing, as people have said, to see someone eeking out cat food from a sachet in small portions.

Have you tried talking to your husband about his strange behaviour?

Personally I would rinse the sachet in hot water and a little bit of washing up liquid so it was nice and shiny and clean...then bin it for tight arse to find!

I started out thinking you DH sounds a bit odd. After reading all your posts I think you & your poor sweet cat need to have a serious think about whether you really need this man in your life. I suspect that this bizarre cat food thing your DH does has nothing to do with cat food at all: it’s a way of

• signalling his extreme disapproval of you feeding the cat 2 pouches a day,
• signalling his disapproval/resentment of the cat (was the decision to get a cat because you wanted one but him not so much? Do you show love/affection toward the cat & he’s jealous?)
• signalling disapproval of how you do things generally (nothing you do is good enough)

If this was purely an extreme form of parsimony it makes no sense: it is much better for cats, particularly male cats with their very long thin urethras that are easily blocked, to eat wet food rather than dry. Unblocking a cat is a very expensive medical emergency (typical cost £1500-£2000) and if not done the cat dies an agonising death after a few days. So trying to save money by feeding fewer pouches is insane.

I think your husband has some very complex issues that manifest in this very odd way. The good news is that these kinds of conditions respond very well to psychotherapy… IF your DH is able to accept he has a problem and is committed to working with a therapist to address them.

And the bits of soap… EWWWWWWWWWWW!!! There are all sorts of funguses & things that can live on soaps (you never find bars of soaps in clinical settings: only liquid soaps you squeeze from a dispenser. There’s a reason for that.) Forcing you to use ancient bits of soap that other people have used is one of the most disgusting, controlling, & just fucking horrible things I’ve heard.

Please, take your sweet cat and leave this saddo. Or better yet throw him out. Join the ranks of Single Cat Ladies Society.

It’s cruel.
Honestly you shouldn’t have cats.

I've not read all the replies.

Sachets used to be 100g each. Most are now 85g. Recommended 2 or 3 per cat PER day.

You are starving your cat.

I buy the jelly sachets rather than gravy. It slides out whole so no waste.

OP, please don’t live like this. You have one life. This is no way to spend it. Please don’t breed with this man. However much you feel sorry for him or believe your love can fix him. It won’t. Take the cat and go love him life. Leave the soap though.

they were sly doing that weren't they. took me a while before I copped the sachets were smaller
op your lucky you not in my house one of my dogs watches the cats closely and if the cat walks away from it food before bowl is empty the dog runs in and wolfs it down - and dog is well fed before anyone jumps on me just loves cat food ( the vet says it's quite common) so I have the begging eyes from the cat when he sees his bowl empty so of course I give him another pouch 🤣

Poor cat. Your DH is nuts.

Yes, many times. It always gets framed back at me as that I am wasteful and slovenly.

Please leave him. This is no way to live.

I was thinking about your situation this morning when i fed my little tortie.
I have just come home from the vets, where I sat next to a lovely, kind man, probably in his late thirties, who spoke about his old cat, and mine, with such humour and gentleness that it made me tearful, because my husband would never have done or felt this, which is why pets were a no-no for me and our children.
But reading that your husband calls you slovenly and wasteful has made me really angry, I think he resents your cat, I think he secretly hates it, and my gut feeling is that he is seething with contempt.
His obsessive, determined checking of the bins is exactly the same mindset as a man who would go through your phone/purchases/receipts/quiz you about where you have been etc. i.e. a nasty control freak.
If you can do this safely, I would record, or listen outside the door, to see if he has a running commentary when he is picking through the bin, that will tell you who he is when he thinks no one can hear him.😪

I think Bagpuss IS right, there’s a lot of sense in what she says

Has he ever clearly stated what his objective is here. I.e. defined the point at which he will be happy.
Is there an amount of money in the bank account that is enough?
If you don't have to put your bins out because there is nothing in them will he be finally joyful?
Or is "not being wasteful" some nebulous idea that he can use to control his environment and everyone/ thing that shares it with him?
I think you are going to be spending your life trying to prove a negative here. You have a good idea at what point scraping an empty packet of cat feed becomes a waste of time and energy . He doesn't.
You understand the value of having occasional luxuries to make the times between them bearable. The value of having things to look forward to. He doesn't.
You can't change him. Especially if he doesn't know what he wants.
You can only change you.

Theres a thing going round " let them" where you take no responsibility ( or stress from) the behaviour of others. ...I can't do it though.
I would give the cat 1/2 a packet of food infront of him and drop the rest in the bin ...infront of him.
And then do it again as soon as he starts rummaging.
I'd do it over and over and over until I'd been through a whole box of the stuff...then tell him if he thinks thats wasteful he should see what a divorce is going to cost him.

Then I'd put the cat in a basket and leave because thats dangerously confrontational and I'm nasty but not stupid.

Definitely rinse the pouches, otherwise the bin will smell.

Even better, don’t put the pouches in the bin at all. Take them to the supermarket with your other soft plastics so they can be recycled.

Tbc, he doesn't actually called me slovenly and wasteful, it is just that this is what I hear when he does this as I know that he is obsessed with cleanliness and waste. He does say throwing the sachets away without scrapping them out is wasteful.

He doesn't check up about me at all. Actually kind of the opposite. I could disappear all day and he wouldn't ask where I have been. Ditto the evenings.

I posted in another thread about boarding school - he is completely unavailable in pretty much all aspects.

If we are going into subconscious territory, his mum is/was OBSESSED with her cats. She is quite an unemotional and scrimpy person generally but the cats are completely indulged and end up way overweight and unhealthy. I think this is part of it too. His mum had all these cats that she showers/ed with affection and sent him away to boarding school...

"Or is "not being wasteful" some nebulous idea that he can use to control his environment and everyone/ thing that shares it with him?"

THIS. It is definitely a control thing.

"You understand the value of having occasional luxuries to make the times between them bearable. The value of having things to look forward to. He doesn't."

Also this.

I don't understand why you choose this life. Why not just leave and find a normal person? Or be alone with your cat?

If he is starving the cat by eking out the food, nothing excuses that behaviour.

He may have had a difficult childhood by going to boarding school; he may have had a mother who overfed her animals but this does not excuse his miserly, obsessive, controlling behaviour towards you and the cat.

Poor cat. My tiny girls get at least two packets and biscuits, your strapping male cat needs more than one packet eked out with shit biscuits he doesn’t like.

I couldn’t live like this, no other personal qualities could make up for this slow death by a thousand (budget) cuts. What are you doing with this man op?

This man isn't fit to have a cat.

It is VERY IMPORTANT for cats to have wet food.
Cats have evolved for millions of yrs to barely drink at all, as all fluids necessary can be obtained from the meats eaten. Humans have only been feeding cats for a very short part of of evolutionary time, definitely not long enough for felines to have evolved to fit with eating only dry food. Some cat people would say cats should only ever have raw meat.

this just makes me so sad.

Life does not need to be this difficult day to day op you are on edge!