To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Just read about the pregnancy oh dear. All the more reason to head to your family where you can rest a bit and consider if this really is the right life path for you. Going ahead will tie you you to him forever.

It’s fine to have a Christmas in his tradition, but he needs to do the cooking for it. He can’t just order your to.

Have you also discussed your reasoning re not going to your parents, ie that it was to save money?

He hasn't got you over a barrel!

The equivalent to the UK Christmas is going to HIS family and THEM doing all the running around.

Be very careful with this man OP - he's already emotionally manipulative and dismissive of you & your needs. Honestly, I'd tell DH to get fucked if he ever pulled this shit on me.

Out of interest... Have you kept a running away fund?

This.

I genuinely never thought I'd write this sort of comment, but my gut instinct here is 'run'. You are in the very early stages of pregnancy and still have time to reconsider whether this man will make a good father and husband. This episode does not bode well unless you want a a very very "traditional" role as wife and mother. It could get even worse, and you are expected to work outside of the home fulltime as well as do all the domestic and childcare duties. I grew up in a situation similar to this (with a mother who was conditioned by childhood hardship and social expectation as well as naive loving kindness), and it is not what I wanted for myself. I would definitely not want such a life for a daughter.

You seem to be focusing on the logistical difficulties related to cooking and missing the bigger picture here. Your partner's actions are very selfish and dripping with contempt for you. He might well be lovely in other ways, and not able to see why his attitude and actions are not acceptable due to his own conditioning and upbringing. Please stand up for yourself or you will live to regret it.

As an aside, I was about 12 weeks pregnant with my DS at Christmas time, and felt very unwell, whereas I'd been feeling really well before that point. My 2nd trimester was lousy, which is not uncommon. I happened to have my parents staying with me for 2 weeks - I was not capable of cooking a normal meal for them, forget a full Christmas spread! We are also a binational multilingual family, and ny DH would never think to behave like this. We often do the special Christmas food traditions from his culture (which can be a lot of work), but we do them together, or if I do not have the headspace he does it. We support each, we do not demand that the other does it for us. We have also learnt each others' languages (admittedly, it took him 15 years longer to learn mine than I did to learn his, but he got there in the end, and we are raising our son to speak all of our "home" languages).

Please have a really good think about what so many PPs have said. You need to protect yourself.

Does he respect you as an individual or are you just a woman expected to cook and clean and bear his offspring?

He has no intention of 'helping' with the cooking? He's invited them - let him do the cooking. Then you could offer to help him with it if you feel like it!

You’ve still not answered questions about why it’s you doing the cooking. You do realise that they will criticise your cooking if it is not like they are used to.
I would shut down the conversation now…unless he does the cooking.

How dare he invite people around without consulting you and then tell you that you'll be cooking and what type of cuisine. It sounds likely that if you cooked those dishes, they wouldn't be "right" or "the way mum/grandma/auntie used to make them" anyway. And you'd fail him (again?).

I haven't read the whole thread so excuse any repeats.
In the years you've been together, have you made any efforts at all to find out about his culture or the kind of food they eat? Surely this is a basic?

Mid European probably has similarities with the kinds of foods eaten in UK.
If you give us a clue as to which culture then maybe we can help with ideas?

It’s been said already, but I’ll reiterate.

YOU
DO
NOT
HAVE
TO
COOK

You don’t have to cook a British Christmas dinner. You certainly don’t have to cook a foreign Christmas dinners. If you’re finding it stressful, you’re in early pregnancy, protect yourself and say you’re not doing it.

You can (and maybe should) be wholly and enthusiastically supportive of an Eastern European Christmas, but you are not the right person to host it and that doesn’t make you an less of a partner, it’s not unfair because you’ve had British Christmas in the past.

Presumably he’ll want to pass his traditions down to his child too. And you’ll want to pass yours down. So he needs to start stepping up and thinking about how HE is going to facilitate that, with your support (but not your implementation).

OP, absolutely no way. He “was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook” my jaw hit the floor!

If you genuinely feel he is a lovely partner and this is just him wanting some home comfort, then he can manage this by making it a collaborative thing - the guests can bring starters/desserts, and he can be your co-chef, working with you as you both figure it out, plan and make stuff together in advance, so you can enjoy the day itself.

Anything less than this would give me the irreversible ick x

You know those posts where a woman writes about how awful
her partner is to her and the children and that she never saw it coming? And cows like me say ‘I cannot believe there were no signs in 3 years’?

THESE ARE THE SIGNS.

This is a man who will expect you to be a drudge for him.

Get out now before your baby is born.

If it's his traditional food he can cook it, if he is keen to invite people and host he does the leg work, you sit with his guests, relax and entertain. I'll bet when he joined your family for christmas he didnt do any of the cooking? Does he think this sort of thing is the women's job? I would not accept this.

More to the point how are you going to cook them a traditional meal from their country if you have no idea what these dishes are meant to taste like, nevermind have the foggiest where to start making them. He sounds like a right twat though, are you sure you want a baby with him?

Why are you having a baby with this man? He sounds awful.

OP this is the 21st century he can cook it his fucking self. Don't buy a house with this absolute twonk and please reconsider this relationship, he ain't the one.

And this is supposed to be the honeymoon period, if you get even more inbedded with this person he will wear you down to the bone.

Find a caterer doing your husband's cultural food, order a christmas dinner - have it delivered to your door. Yes, expensive, but I don't thinkyounstill wa t to buy a house with this man.

What a selfish tosser.
Tell him to cook.

He wants a traditional Christmas?
He wants particular food?

Then he cooks it.

He can cook!

Why would it be on the OP to find out about and cook his national cuisine (festive Christmas fare to boot!), when he doesn't and won't cook? Or is this "basic" requirement just on the OP?

He doesn't have you over a barrel. Your parents cooked a traditional christmas dinner not you . If he wants a Christmas that is traditional in his country it should be at the home of someone who comes from there.

Just say that your plan for Christmas is to make an M&S dinner at tour home and his family is welcome if they are happy with that otherwise they will have to go elsewhere

Can you not see how unreasonable he is being? Tou need to agree what traditional s you will have in your home. That is completely different from when you visit other people l.

Another vote for 'if he invites guests, fine, but he cooks'. You cook what you want to eat or he cooks - no debate

But now it’s going to be so much pressure

Sorry, am I missing something?
What is difficult about telling your selfish boyfriend that you're not doing it?

OP can you please explain how the fuck you have ended up in a relationship where you are the only person who will cook, and this doesn't even seem to be something you question?

Invite her parents over to help with the cooking? What on earth?

What Christmas cuisine are we talking bout here?