To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

He is setting you up to fail, how will you know what his favourite childhood Christmas dishes are supposed to taste like? Surely it's better if he cooks, even if he is not a cook he at least knows what the food is supposed to taste, smell, look like?

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes.

Surely, he's doing the cooking??

I know someone who had an Italian partner so took Italian lessons so she could converse with her partner's family. The family did speak some English but she wanted to make an effort for her partner

He needs to do it then

i would go to your dps especially whilst you are pregnant

If he wants his traditional food then he has to be the one to cook it. Stop letting this man walk all over you

His invite, his gig ... ask him what he's cooking. BTW my husband will be planning and cooking for 3 days over Xmas.

There we go then. Why was he asking you to cook food from his country on Christmas day? Glad you've decided to do what you're comfortable with

Weaponised incompetence is what that's called

Great, but it's still very hard unless you can keep up with the language day to day.

just knowing a few phrases makes a huge difference. I think shows some interest and respect for their country.
Often when one manages a short comment in their own language there is an immediate lightening up of the atmosphere.

Great to learn a few phrases, sure, but most people are going to get lost once the conversation starts to flow in another language.

I think you're missing the point. If you put your foot down with this, he will just cause other issues.

He already has when you tried to make a familiar stew for him once before and he said don't bother.

He's constantly moving the goalposts. This man is manipulating you and using you.

You might be satisfied you've sternly said no this time, but you're 5 weeks pregnant to this man who is not going to change. A pattern is a pattern.

that is true. It's awkward and uncomfortable I agree. It's also bad that those that do understand it don't always take into account that's there's somebody in the group that doesn't understand a word.

If he wants this, he can bloody well organise the whole thing.

Absolute CF.

Well, he sounds a right mardarse! I wouldn't want to have to host Christmas in my own home for people I hardly know, particularly when one of them has made a rude comment about my job, never mind be expected to single-handedly cook 'their' sort of food. Your partner must surely know you don't enjoy cooking, you're newly pregnant and you're tired. The last thing you need is to be thrown into a panic and become stressed out with this pile of uncalled for nonsense. What's the matter with the man? Like almost everyone else has said, either he does the cooking, you uninvite these people and spend the day a deux, or you leave them all to it and go and spend your precious time off with your own family. Good luck.

Ive only read the first 4 replies. They sum it up really. Absolutely do not consider entertaining this lot. Sounds a bloody nightmare. It'll it were me I'd be going to your parents ( and never coming back)
Its your Christmas too.

It's not up to the OP to find such a restaurant, her DP can do that surely.

And the OP doesn't need to be cooking meals to learn about her DP's culture - she can eat the meals that her DP makes for her that follow traditional recipes from his country. If he won't cook them, why should she ??

This.

Stop focusing on Christmas and cooking. You’re missing the point.

He has been manipulating you for three years to the point where you can’t see him and his disgusting behaviour for what it is.

Please leave him.

I would recommend at least reading OPa updates

Get an abortion while you still can, one child is enough, and I think that you should get rid of him too.

In a marriage/partnership - it really shouldn't be a big deal who sources the restaurant for Christmas dinner..

I never said she needed to cook them...

Excuse me? He is getting hatred because he’s a lazy bum not because he’s polish. If he wants polish food so badly then he can cook it. He wants op to cook it so him and his so called family ignore her , eat the food and then ignore her again. It doesn’t matter if he’s polish , Indian , Spanish. It’s still rude to try and make her cook food she doesn’t know how too because he’s too damn lazy.

None of this has anything to do with the parents or the difference in culture.

It's to do with being in a relationship with an exploitative prick who expects his woman to do what he wants.

He expects it on special occasions like Christmas...

...because he expects it every day.

He should figure out the food situation. He did the inviting. Perhaps he can purchase takeaway dishes. It's unfair to put all this pressure on you. Also did you and he discuss household roles and such before moving in together? Have you discussed how you'll raise your child, and with what cultural traditions and expectations?

But it’s not your culture for the woman to do all the work…