To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Ask them to prepare and bring some of their own dishes as you can't be expected to know their recipes etc. Tell them that you will contribute some British food as well (ie pigs in blanket, turkey salad, mince pies, christmas cake). Make it a team effort.

Your husband should also contribute and help you, but maybe he comes from a culture where women are expected to do all the cooking etc. Culture clash can be a big issue these days..

Mowing the lawn is comparable with vacuuming the house. DIY is comparable with doing the household linen laundry (I'm assuming he washes his own clothes) and making sure essential items are in stock.

Cooking, particularly for visitors is a whole other thing, and the person with strong feelings about what food should be on offer should be the one preparing it.

Ohh so a man expecting a woman to cook for him and guests he invited, and dictate what he wants served, is not actually misogyny, it's 'culture' 🙄

Nope. Few people mow the lawn as often as they vacuum. Few people do DIY as often as they do a load of washing. Not a level playing field.

Very few people work on diy several times a day pretty much every day of the week

Jesus ....end the relationship because he invited his family for Christmas? The drama!
Op just says he can cook. She either grows a backbone or not!

And so starts the coercive control.

You need to look at the issue of him expecting you to do the shitwork because you have a vagina across the whole of your relationship.

100% guarantee this is not a one-off.

Why are women still accepting these exploitative pricks?

The Brits are shown up in a very bad light on this thread, very insular and quite frankly uneducated about how life is lived in the outside world.

Of course they are , on MN it's totally acceptable to denigrate 'Brits', an offensive term, should be Britons, try it with other nationalities and see what happens. If her partner and his family who she hardly knows, want a traditional Polish Christmas they have 2 choices, they get together and cook the meal with the OP observing for future reference or they have it at their own home, partner visits there and the OP goes elsewhere. The Ryanair option is there too.
Learning new recipes from other cultures can be very interesting but to do so for something like a Christmas feast is not a good idea!

I can't be bothered to read back through the thread but I suspect one person assumed and said Polish, and everyone else is going by that comment.

Oh, putting washing into a machine is such hard work, sounds like the whiney woman on the TV advert!

You are being unreasonable because you didn't laugh at him and tell him to fuck off and cook it himself.

Ohh so a man expecting a woman to cook for him and guests he invited, and dictate what he wants served, is not actually misogyny, it's 'culture' 🙄

'Culture' is the get out of jail card in many situations, Maybe she tells him that in the British 'culture' couples are expected to share roles, if this is at odds with other 'cultures' tough.

Surely he’s better placed than you to cook these dishes as they will be way more familiar to him?
he needs to cook, end of.
@KatieBenoiteee

@KatieBenoiteee - him not wanting ‘another British food Christmas’ is understandable, however him expecting you to cook his home food at Christmas is something else entirely. Particularly where previous years at your parents you were guests & not cooking yourself (or him). he doesn’t have a leg to stand on there as an argument.

My husband is not from England either & we’ve had at least 6 years of us hosting with his family at ours. The first couple years of doing this my husband invited them, so he did all the cooking (even though he typically hasn’t cooked much throughout our relationship). I also spent most of the day at my parents place & then spent the evening at our place with his family. This was a mutual agreement & worked for us.
Now we have a child, so we host at ours instead of doing our ‘own thing’ on the day. We do a team effort with cooking & tag team childcare.

We’ve always done a British roast for Christmas.
I’ve only just learned how to cook some of his traditional dishes this last year & we’ve been together for 13 years now. I only managed to learn them because his brother lived with us for a bit & had the time to teach me on a handful of occasions, otherwise there was no way I would attempt them on my own!

Also, by Christmas you might be in the peak morning sickness period, so he or you should defo not be putting any grand expectations on you then. I had terrible sickness (not the norm - don’t worry!) during my pregnancy & was pretty much bed bound & constantly vomiting after week 8 until mid-2nd trimester. The nausea stayed until I had our baby & I had meat aversion the whole 9 months, so no way could cook a full meal for guests during that time. Pretty much lived on bread & fruit.

The man is an arse.

How committed are you to the relationship?

How dare he?
Is he trying to show off to these people. It's enough to cook xmas dinner for relatives you've had for years never mind ones you have met once.#
Don't do this.
You suggest to him you all go out for a meal on xmas day!!!!
that will show him the financial cost.

Agree with the other comments that this man is an arse. Expecting his pregnant girlfriend to cook a huge meal for people she doesn't know, with no help from him, when she doesn't really cook anyway, let alone cook whatever his native cuisine is - what a massive bellend. Tell him to get to fuck. Order a takeaway or visit family and let them fuss around you, being pregnant. As others have also said - this man isn't exactly screaming husband and father material tbh, unless you actively want to be a domestic drudge.

Lawn mowing and DIY aren't necessarily breaking rocks or brain surgery either! See how this works? 😁

Oh Dear as Sockdays said is this the life you want,I'm sorry but he's bang out of order and unfortunately this will be your future get out now before he makes your life a misery as he will I know from experience Go to your parents let them look after you and your baby good luck

On a slightly different note, have you tried learning his language so you can communicate with his family. If I had a partner form another country and culture I'd want to learn about it. I wouldn't wait 3 years without any knowledge of the language or the food

I think you should go to your parent's for Christmas and leave him to host his family.

That’s a difficult meal to make if you aren’t familiar with it.

Just say no, that's not happening. What happens if you do that, OP? @KatieBenoiteee

It's only going to be a few words though at best unless you go and live in the country.