To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Fuck that!! Why isn’t HE sorting out the food for HIS friends???

Good on you for telling him.

I'd order a pile of pizzas from a takeaway and that would be the end of the cooking conversation. Every year here, there are more and more takeaways open on christmas day and that tells me that there are more and more people not cooking for christmas, so you wouldnt be the odd one out it seems!

I think making a curry for everybody is a fair compromise.

That’s a lot. Can anything be made and frozen. Not that she should cook or anything. You can’t freeze noodles but you can sauces

You sure picked a winner to father your child OP. I highly doubt none of these less than stellar qualities were evident already but you chose it for your child anyway.
All I can say is that I hope you really did put your foot down and aren't going to be 'convinced' to do as he wants so you can be ignored for the day whilst they consciously leave you out and disregard you.
You now have a lifelong tie to this man, who I suspect will wear you down and continue on being disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish and misogynistic. Time to start thinking of the example you'll be setting for a child that will see this dynamic as 'normal' if you don't

Jesus Christ on a bike. He's expecting you to do all this for people you barely know? Unbelievable. Either he deals with the food and all the other arrangements for them himself,or you call the whole thing off. And I think you really need to reconsider your relationship with this man. He sounds very dictatorial and controlling.

Comical / sad 2 read of people's notions of culture.
You create your own when meet someone.
His is obvs selfish misogynistic
Honestly find a nice good man.
That is the 'culture' u need.

No, he cooked until he moved in with her. When challenged on cooking and housework he tells her he does diy and mows the lawn so in his male brain this is fair as she isn’t really a person so shouldn’t get a fair deal, as long as there is something he can point to and say I do that in his mind it’s fair, even if it’s ’once a year I wash the car’

What a horrible man !

I don't like the sound of him at all. I don't like the sound of any of them! If I were you I'd be going to my mum's and let him get on with it. For myself I would dump this prick. Do you really think things will improve?

Raise your standards for God's sake. This isn't a man who loves you.

Cultural differences exist. Especially at Christmas. My extended family and culture is like your DHs, but I've been brought up multicultural and not in my family's country of origin. My DH says I am more English/British than he is. I'd prefer a quiet Christmas with close family.

And I'd never try to cook the traditional dishes, even from 5 star recipes on a normal day, forget Christmas, to guests who this is important to. That's exactly as you forsee it - disaster and you being miserable.

Get your OH to order the traditional meal in, from a 5star traditional chef. You won't win the cooking, even if you were Chef Ramsey.

Sit your DH down and tell him. The truth. He has to respect you, your needs, you as a couple, your needs as a couple first.
He will revert to cultural type in the situation where there's at least one other from his country of origin if HE allows it. There's a stupid norm of chauvinism / misogyny in too many cultures....

Only you know what will suit you now he's extended an invitation. Maybe he needs to take the cooked 5star traditional meal to his cousins home on Christmas Day?, etc.

So, there's a bigger question here. Is DH the man you know and love in any situation or is the side he's now showing you the true one?

Not even, unless your house is tidy all the time. It’s more like before if every time before he mows the lawn the op lays all the dirty washing out on it snd some random things and he has to gather up the washing, put on a load, pick up 30 things and put them away then mow the lawn. Repeat minimum weekly.

We all know that. If OP decides to go down the 'telling him a few home truths' route, she needs to be able to point that out to him when he starts on about how much he does.

It is possible he does all the clearing up after himself work, and that the lawn is about three acres. I still suspect she puts in more hours per week.

I hope she runs for the hills.

Book into a hotel for whole there's still room to be had. Let your prize of a partner sort out his relatives. I think you're very restrained, I've a whole bunch of appropriate words for him. You can probably imagine some of them. Use them.🍽

“Now he has invited them he is expecting me to it on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes…

im pregnant”

ok , as so often before, this means that you have a DH problem.

im afraid it’s going to be up to you to fix that one way or another. Can you have a sensible conversation with him?

if not, I’d suggest something drastic. Ann mention of his pregnant wife entertaining in this way, start laughing loudly in his face. Once you have recovered, say, no, seriously, stop joining. Tell me what you are really going to do.

repeat as often as required. Good luck.

how much cooking did he do as part of the ‘traditional British Christmas with your family. You do that much is none.at.all

honestly, this really is a ‘hill to die on’ or your life will be just horrible from now on.

It’s endemic here. So many women with standards in the toilet bringing children into lives of misery. It’s utterly depressing.

I'd develop really bad "morning sickness " Every time you see raw meat or fish put your hand over your mouth and dash out of the kitchen

Why would you feel the pressure to cook a big traditional Christmas dinner?

No one in my family likes Turkey, so I cook my favourite food on Christmas Day - Lasagne served with salads, and garlic bread starters are smoked salmon, prawns and crusty (part baked rolls) then cheese board and a Christmas pudding or chocolate cake!

cook whatever food you like… if you DP wants something then he should make it!

There isn’t any reason to cook anything other than your favourite food on Christmas Day! Let’s not forget Jesus definitely wouldn’t have had pigs in blankets in his lifetime!

None of us like the traditional Christmas dinner - we always have a huge buffet with everyone’s favourites - usually cold stuff as I’m not prepared to spend time preparing hot food.

I’m sorry that your Christmas plans are stressful. It sounds like you have come up with a good plan. I was just going to add that having a partner who refuses to cook is a big deal. To be responsible for the planning, provisioning and cooking for a family by yourself and FOREVER is a huge task, and in no way compares to doing the DIY. If it makes you feel better, you can work out how to use a drill, or mow the lawn so that you can share all the tasks, but sharing the cooking is absolutely essential for a happy partnership. And not just for when you’re poorly. It will be easier to establish your expectations now than a few years in. I’ve been married 16years and doing the cooking (and planning and shopping) is an exhausting task. I do most of it and it’s a big load, but would warn against setting up a relationship where the expectation is that you do it all. Good luck to you. Xxxx

I am so confused as to why cooking is your responsibility and something for you to stress/worry about? By all means help him out with the cooking, but it’s not down to you. He invited them, he’s setting the requirements for the menu, he needs to sort it. You’re his partner not his mother.

This is a massive red flag op, I’d advise you to walk away. What else is he not going to like doing in the future? Changing nappies, settling a crying child… lazy man. Get rid.

God he sounds awful!
I'm sorry you're pregnant by him because it complicates your options. I can't bear women making themselves a doormat.
He won't cook, has unilaterally invited people over to eat the food he expects you to cook and in the knowledge you won't understand the conversation.
What do you see in him?

I'm going to put my head above the parapet here and say you chose to marry a man from a different culture who has compromised on Christmas many times for you, I would be trying to reach a compromise with his wishes, just for once. If you can't face cooking could you all go out to eat, or could your guests bring some ready prepared meals and your partner help you with making some yourselves