To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Having looked at the Polish Christmas menu posted earlier, I wish you good luck in ordering your fresh carp from Sainsbury’s.

So he's well on the way to having you trained isn't he?

He's invited people without asking you & you are still cooking for them all.

Oh well.

Why are you with such a disrespectful and obnoxious man?

Just get rid of him. His expectant manner and thinking that you exist to provide whatever he wants, whenever he wants - is that what you want your life to be?

He thinks you are beneath him and should do as he says. So does his family.

Don't do this to yourself.

Yes but why are you cooking? Tell him he’s cooking or it’s not happening. This is not a good indicator of his character or attitude that he’s just sitting back expecting you to do all the work.

@KatieBenoiteee You are ignoring excellent advice and instead choosing to compromise when you should not,

But you can't help people who won't help themselves.

Your "partner" is a cunt.
I'm pushing 50 and never, ever hosted anyone in my house, Christmas is just my husband (no kids) and myself.
I could never understand, since early teenage years, why should I be expected to put myself out for others.
It was good to stick with "gut feeling".
I would lose him, now or 25 years ago.

say you are too, and can't wait to see what he will be cooking!

What a horrible man. He invites relatives that you don't know and then announces that you will be cooking their Christmas food, that you are totally unfamiliar with, for him and his family.
Either he cooks or they can all be grateful for a British Christmas. Considering you are in early pregnancy, when many women feel horribly sick and unable to cook at all, he should be grateful if you cook any sort of Christmas meal.
Frankly, I'm worried that this relationship won't last. He thinks he can dictate you and has decided to 'forget' how to cook now that he is living with a woman.

This man is not a keeper. You probably already know that. He'll get worse, inch by inch.

I don't know any household where the person who is cooking meals is not the person who chooses what meals they cook. Is it as rare as my life experience suggests? If you want to select a specific meal you go to a restaurant that serves it (or call a delivery service). Expressing a preference for something from the established home repertoire is different, but even with that, it's the cook's choice..

If he is so 'traditional' will he refuse to do half for baby or expect you to do everything, in which case you'd be like a single parent anyway? If tell him you agree family is important at Xmas. You will go home to your parents and he can be with his family. You will see him at New Year.

Tell him he’s hosting with you, that he needs to do a lot of the traditional food as he knows what it’s supposed to be

otherwise you will just do a uk lunch as this is far less complicated for you

otherwise it’s his family, the least you can do is welcome them.

if it’s a disaster, then it’s not repeated

We took in my Ds gf last year, her home life took a nosedive all of a sudden

I cooked for her and my Ds as usual and made sure there was plenty for her to take to her dad.

my oh was a bit sceptical about this, but he had no food, it was Christmas and I’d made sure she was safe.

YANBU. I think if he extended the invite and he wants a traditional Christmas from his own country then he should do the majority of the cooking with your help. But he should take the lead. The idea was to save money and it will be costly to buy special ingredients. If it’s all on you I would cancel the invite.

bit I think this should be a warning to you about the kind of life partner he willbe for you, particularly if you are pregnant. He needs to step up but it does not sound like he is willing.

He offered to "help" with cleaning up 🤣 oh wow what a guy! I know you seem to have resolved this now and are just making a curry but his behaviour here is a little glimpse into how he will treat you once you have this baby, he sits around and you do it all.

Practice these dishes but ruin them on purpose. Its his culture so he should be practicing it and you partaking. He doesnt have you over a barrel by having previous Christmases at your parents because there was no other option. You would have been happy to have had his Christmas but he does need to be the one that drives it.
He's being unreasonable here. Its either your Christmas that you cook for or his Christmas that he cooks for.

I just don’t understand how it’s meant to work - am I supposed to put the carp in the washing up bowl if I want a shower? Shave my legs with it swimming round my feet?

I think you need to make a massive stand NOW and his reaction should be a deciding factor in whether you stay with this man.

He's already said once that your cooking "wouldn't be the same". Why is he now expecting it to be?

This man is doing a great job at controlling you and you seem pretty blind to it. He has managed to get you not to see your family at Christmas but to cater for his family who you barely know? It’s his family, he can cook for them if he wants specific food for them.

You will have a miserable life if you stay with this man. I guarantee you you'll be back posting on MN down the line, this time with a couple of children in the mix to complicate things.

OP, I don’t know if you’re reading these posts. I’ve been married nearly 25 years and remember having serious doubts before the wedding but feeling like I couldn’t call if off / talked myself out of the doubts and didn’t listen to my gut.

I wish I’d heard all this then and my life hadn’t turned out the way it did. Marrying my husband is my biggest regret 😕 but it’s really complicated and I’ve got children and it would have been so much easier to stop it all back then. You’ll probably think I’m a hypocrite and you’re probably right but I always want to save people from living the life that I did.

Christmas is a perfect time for a break up. This man is a gaslighting misogynist and you're being a bit of a wet blanket. Don't put up with it.

🚩🚩🚩 I fear his traditional, outdated and somewhat misogynistic tendencies will be even more pronounced once you bring a child into the equation… OP you have a lot to ponder…