To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Can we all help you with ideas? What food are you talking about? Maybe some dishes can be prepared/cooked in advance and frozen?

I can see I will get roasted here for taking a different point of view. Although I can sympathise with the OPs plight I think that there are ways they must compromise.
you’ve spent previous christmases with OPs family where I assume her mum has done the cooking. This year you’re basically planning a MandS Xmas ready meal so there’s not much effort on your part.
Youre expecting a baby with this man. Your dual heritage child and future children will be interested in their heritage and both of you will have to step up to provide this.
i would see this as an exciting opportunity to learn more about your partners culture. Are you in touch with his mum? Ask her for advice. What can be prepared in advance? Are there any ingredients that might be hard to source in the UK. Is there a website selling dishes from this culture, that would take some pressure off you.
This needs a serious conversation between you. You’re prepared to step up and he must help you do it. As the OP has pointed out her efforts may not live up to his expectations.
In coming years Christmas will be chaos but enormous fun.
Ato not knowing the couple well- this is an opportunity to know them better. I’d explain to them your anxiety and ask if they’d be prepared to help as you’re unfamiliar with the dishes.

I don't want to help her cut, trim, and polish a rod for her own back that will be used to beat her with every day she stays in a relationship with this man.

She can explain reality to him, which means if he wants a special feast he shops, prepares, cooks, serves, and clears up afterwards. Or she can run for the hills.

Yep! Tell him your parents reallywant you to spend Christmas with them so you are going to go there and he can enjoy Christmas with his relatives. Leave him to do the shopping, making up beds etc.

Long term, you know he sees you as a skivvy, either make peace with that for the rest of your life or think about moving on.

Haven't RTFT, but while I love many "foreign" dishes, why does it have to be their own cuisine on such a day?

I don't pretend to speak for anyone else, but if I was visiting someone elsewhere for Christmas I'd hope to share in their traditions - food included - since no doubt they get plenty of their own back home

He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it.

He is the one who is being unreasonable. It would be reasonable to discuss Christmas plans with you first, including the number of people he was planning to invite, especially as he expects you to cook. Since he didn't do that, he can either do the cooking himself or you go for the easy option (e.g. some dinner in a kit as you say and finger foods). If he insists on cooking the full dinner for the army, he can do it himself.

I would be having a good hard think about Christmas, buying a house and continuing a pregnancy with this man. The mask has slipped now you're pregnant and he thinks you're stuck.

This is the last Christmas for at least 20 years, where you can relax a bit. I love Christmas with my kids but it is completely different, and far more knackering than it was without them. You need to do what makes YOU happy at Christmas this year, because you'll be out on that back burner for a long time!

Honestly I would leave him if you can. He is not going to step up when your baby is born. I'm so sorry you're in this position. He's a pig.

I'm worried for your future op. He's treating you like a scivvy. The fact that you're pregnant makes it even worse. He should be looking after you. I highly doubt this is the only example of his terrible behaviour.

OP this isn't just about Christmas but your whole future together. How he reacts to you putting your foot down will be very telling. You need to make it very clear you were looking forward to a quiet Christmas so he should have consulted you first but as it's now done he is hosting - this means sorting sleeping arrangements making and then changing beds, buying presents, shopping and cooking for the meal. You will obviously help but just as he would - if he specifically asks you to do a job then do it, but if he doesn't, then don't.

If he sulks, turns it back on you being difficult or worse you end up doing it all, then I'm afraid some of the harsher posters would not be far off the mark in calling him a lazy misogynist prick who you would be better off without.

Stand up now and with any luck he'll realise you mean business and step up for Christmas and your future.

I know some posters have their doubts about whether the OP is on a wind-up, but there are enough (minority) responses on this thread which demonstrate there are women who will willing doormat themselves in this situation, for the sake of pleasing a man.

Glad you've sorted it op but you need to sort this out long term. If he wouldn't even prepare some food for you when you were ill then he's not a good guy. Just because he mows the lawn doesn't mean you have to cook every single meal. My husband loves cooking and, apart from baking, I don't enjoy it much. We still split cooking between us although he does Christmas.

I actually agree with this 👆

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. That sounds like a lot to take on, especially when you’re pregnant and were hoping for a quiet Christmas. It’s one thing to include a few of his traditional dishes if he’s willing to help, but expecting you to host and cook an entire spread for people you barely know is too much.
It’s totally fair to set a boundary and say you’d rather visit them or keep it simple this year. Christmas shouldn’t feel like a chore, and if he wants to celebrate his traditions, he should take the lead in organising or cooking — not just hand it all to you.

At least you haven't managed this sexist delight of a partner yet.

His talk of looking forward to his foreign food Christmas with friends who will leave you feeling excluded at times is testing your boundaries, cementing in his requirements of you. His reaction when you said you felt overwhelmed by the prospect is emotionally coercive.

Leave while you can and claim through the CSA for support for your child.

His domination of your relationship with the way he wants things to be will only get worse. You're from different cultures and I would suggest his culture puts women firmly in second place particularly once they take up the role of mother to his children.

Out of interest, who would be shopping for/paying for all of the food he wnats you to cook.

It’s completely unfair for him to invite people without asking and then expect you to cook a whole foreign Christmas meal, especially when you’re pregnant and wanted a quiet day.

Agree.

This is where you have it all wrong OP - you should be offering to help him. Help suggests he's doing you a favour

What is going to happen if pregnancy sickness catches up with you (hopefully it won't, but you need to be prepared) and you literally can't even LOOK at food in the entire run up to Christmas? Is he still going to expect you to go through with cooking this 'feast'?

What an absolute prince. He’s offered to HELP?

He is not a good man, wake up to it.

@KatieBenoiteee I’m adding my
vpice to the chorus of women begging you to leave him and have an abortion. He’s a selfish lazy sexist prick and I’m telling you this will not get better. If you have his baby then you are tied to him forever. Please please leave him and build a better life for yourself.

Because he doesn't have a vagina, silly billy!(!)

You are being unreasonable for not leaving this man. It's only going to get worse with time and adding children into the mix. I would seriously reconsider having this baby, then leaving him because this is a glimpse into your future.

Surely the starting point for any dinner party involving elaborate 'traditional' food is that the person who grew up in that tradition cooks the food? It might be pleasant to cook together as a couple and for your partner to teach you how to prepare stuffed carp and other Eastern European dishes, but the main effort should be coming from him. As for inviting people to Christmas dinner without even discussing it with you, words fail me.