Page 19 | To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

Ansjovis · 03/11/2025 07:27

Wow. So many red flags here, not enough time to address them all but I will go with one. You were violently ill with the flu and his response was to complain about not wanting to cook?! You do realise that after the baby is born he's only going to get worse, right?

nicepotoftea · 03/11/2025 07:28

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

Only comparable if he had made a traditional British Christmas dinner for your parents.

ConcernedOfClapham · 03/11/2025 07:30

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

So don’t do it.

And tell him you won’t be doing it.

His ‘party’, he does the cooking. Simple as that.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 03/11/2025 07:34

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Why are you taking it upon yourself to do it?

HE can ready the house for guests, HE can cook their own country’s food etc etc.

tuvamoodyson · 03/11/2025 07:36

Uni Campus GIF by Hochschule Osnabrück – University of Applied Sciences

For the one millionth time ‘WHY CANT HE COOK IT???’

NoMoreLifts · 03/11/2025 07:37

mayGodhelpusall · 02/11/2025 20:33

Hmmm sounds like a bit of a culture clash. I don't know where he's from but perhaps in his country the women embrace the cooking and it is very much expected.Going against the grain a bit here but I think you're going to have to suck it up being as it's a one off (providing your pregnancy is going smoothly of course). Don't stress! Just do your best - you may enjoy learning new dishes.

He might enjoy learning to cook, I expect you meant.

Fyimum1219 · 03/11/2025 07:40

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:25

It was arranged when we all went out together the other week. As we were parting they all switched to own language and I zoned out for a bit and checked my phone. In car on the way home he said “By the way, I’ve invited them for Christmas”

He should be the one to prepare the food then, especially since he didn’t discuss it with you first. Also, you’re pregnant! We hosted last Christmas when I was 2 months pregnant. I did the entire spread for 13 people, from lunch to dinner, and my husband’s parents were staying with us, so the entertaining started from breakfast. I was on my feet all day and completely bed bound as soon as they left. Never again!

aWeeCornishPastie · 03/11/2025 07:40

How selfish of him to invite them and not even consult you !! I wouldn’t do it

Donttellempike · 03/11/2025 07:40

Descendentsfrompilgrams · 03/11/2025 02:56

Ok this can be easily resolved: make like Jamie Oliver and do the majority of the prep work in the 36 hours before the celebration, so that on the day actual, it's just a matter of timing to pull everything together.

I know that it shouldn't be on you and that you're pregnant (whispering congrats!), but when you dated and subsequently married this man, it sounds like you were aware that he comes from a patriarchal culture and that he's an unwilling/rubbish cook.

You say that you can't find the recipes in English - again this is easily resolved - put them into google translate.

Celebrate the fact that you have the chance to celebrate Christmas with delicacies from a different country. Surely you'll want to incorporate elements of both parents' Christmas/holiday traditions with your child(ren), so this is just a practice run??

And lastly, ask cousin to bring a pudding.

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She should celebrate a lifetime of being a skivvy to a selfish misogynist? It’s not 1850

Addictedtohotbaths · 03/11/2025 07:40

Agapornis · 02/11/2025 23:32

If he's like this now, he'll be far, far worse once you're 9 months pregnant or when you have a young baby. He'll be a terrible, sexist, misogynist father.

Have an abortion (but don't tell him, say it was a miscarriage if he asks).
Move back in with your parents.

💯 agree with this. You have a lifetime of being his servant ahead of you.

chaosmaker · 03/11/2025 07:41

Emonade · 03/11/2025 07:04

that was easy enough, strange to make a xenophobic post about your own partner and his family before actually just talking to him, are you sure you wouldn’t rather have an ENGLISH partner?!

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What xenophobic post? Have read all of op's posts. People who don't exclude by not using a language she understands is horrible.

Teizzz · 03/11/2025 07:44

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:21

I’ve ruined our night apparently as he was talking to me reminiscing about childhood Christmases and was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook and I said I felt overwhelmed and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’ve “ruined his mood and ruined our night”

He's a twat. Leave him. You'll be better off, I promise.

Flakey99 · 03/11/2025 07:46

Dump him now!

You will regret this massively if you waste any more of your precious youth with this loser.

He’s not a partner but a USER as he’s only thinking of himself and didn’t include you in the discussion about what you’d like Christmas to look like this year.

I read your update about him not caring for you properly when you were sick. This is a massive RED flag 🚩

There have no doubt been others but you keep ignoring them. When will you listen to your inner voice?

Men who start off being selfish in a relationship don’t magically change and become kind as they get older. They grow even more selfish and mean.

FenceBooksCycle · 03/11/2025 07:48

If he wants them there, he can do all the cooking and take on all the extra work. You put your feet up and let him crack on. If you are in charge then you go right ahead with your plan of ordering M&S ready stuff. He needs to decide where his loyalties lie. Is he part of a team with you, always having your back and always on your side against the world, or has he not actually made that commitment and in a choice between his family and you, you are demoted to someone unimportant whose needs and wellbeing can be ignored?

(Edited to remove the word "wife" - don't marry him - get rid!)

femfemlicious · 03/11/2025 07:51

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 21:20

Well in the dating stage he used to know how to cook basic meals and then all of a sudden “forgot” when I moved in. I begged him to cook a few months ago when I was violently ill with flu and the food was awful. He admits he hates cooking and doesn’t want to do it and then he tells me all sorts of things he does such as DIY, mowing lawn etc and that I don’t do any of those things so it’s fair

I am African and I know how African men can be. You are in for a tough time. Since you are already pregnant I advise you to get relationship counselling now. Your man has a lot of ingrained views that you are going to find extremely difficult to deal with. I'm Nigerian and that is how Nigerian men reason. Once they have a partner, they stop doing things like cooking and cleaning because they believe its the woman's sole responsibility. They believe men are "polygamous " and therefore allowed to cheat. Good luck 😔

Wallywobbles · 03/11/2025 07:53

Who is this man. Why on earth are you with him? Are you a trad wife? I cannot for the life of me understand how you could possibly think this is a good plan for the future.

femfemlicious · 03/11/2025 07:53

Addictedtohotbaths · 03/11/2025 07:40

💯 agree with this. You have a lifetime of being his servant ahead of you.

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Op is in for a horrific time, honestly. I've lived it😖.

Invinoveritaz · 03/11/2025 08:05

Why on earth have you married such a sexist prick? If my husband invited a load of people and expected me to cater for them without discussing it first, I’d be having serious thoughts about our future together!

gannett · 03/11/2025 08:10

OP you may think you've sorted this issue out but the red flags are still waving. He didn't respect you enough to run the idea of hosting his relatives past you before he did it. He still assumed you'd do all the cooking and would be happy to be "on the outside". (Inviting them without asking you first might - only might - have been acceptable if he'd said he'd do all the cooking.) And he sulked when you reasonably expressed doubts.

There are deeply ingrained misogynist assumptions that he's leaning into there.

I'm the one in my relationship who doesn't cook because I hate it (and luckily DP loves it and is very good at it). I'd never dream of ordering him to cook something specific, even if it was just us - and certainly never something he wasn't comfortable cooking, while hosting a bunch of people he didn't know well. That's just hugely disrespectful.

Twiglets1 · 03/11/2025 08:11

I would say you're either helping me with the cooking or we're not doing it. You always have the option to say you've decided to go to your parents after all and he can stay behind with his relatives if he wants.

He is putting too much stress on you.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/11/2025 08:14

pestowithwalnuts · 03/11/2025 06:20

Sounds like it's going to be awful for you OP
You cooking and waiting on the them while they sit drinking and chatting in their own language.
Are the recipes particularly difficult ?

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She shouldn't even CONSiDER cooking ANY eastern European delicacies for this mysoginist bloke and his rude cousins.

Difficult or not, she's pregnant, they talk in their own language and she didn't invite them and therefore she is not the host!

UninitendedShark · 03/11/2025 08:14

Add me to the chorus of ‘get rid of this man’ and reconsider the pregnancy. He will make your life miserable. The sooner you do it, the better.

Hoppinggreen · 03/11/2025 08:15

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

Did he cook the "British" Christmas Dinner?
I doubt it - is he a selfish misogynistic twat in general?

Applesonthelawn · 03/11/2025 08:16

YANBU, don't. I speak as someone who did exactly that. My DH (also not from UK) told me his cousin was coming to stay for a night, he turned up with four generations of his family, some vegan (we're not), one on a "high protein" diet, who all stayed for five days. I was run ragged at the end of it. Let them tell you exactly what they want and draw your boundaries. I wouldn't mind doing them an English spread - they're in your country so why not? Let them sample our local delights. And eat out a lot.

Bootsies · 03/11/2025 08:18

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

spend Christmas with your family and let him host his. Done .