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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
muddyford · 03/11/2025 06:30

He invited them. Let him sort it out.

BlueJuniper94 · 03/11/2025 06:31

OP I'm so sorry but he does not sound like a good man.

Owly11 · 03/11/2025 06:36

Hang on - your op went from meeting your partner's cousin, partner and brother to your dh inviting them for christmas dinner?! There seems to be a huge glaring omission - where was the discussion in between those two events???? I am sorry but you need to put your foot down now otherwise you have a lifetime ahead of him making unilateral decisions. It's an absolute hard no. He doesn't get to make a unilateral decision. Is he from a culture where it's normal for the man to be in charge and the woman has to obey the husband? Because his behaviour indicates that this is how he sees things. You need to have this discussion as soon as possible and make it clear how you see things - which i am assuming is that the he and you make joint decisions.

Glindaa · 03/11/2025 06:37

He needs to make up the beds too. Really I think you should move the dinner & one night stopover to early December or NYE. You need a rest at Christmas.

Ilovehighlandcows · 03/11/2025 06:39

OP, please think about this relationship and having a baby with him.

If you stay with this man and have his baby, you're going to be very very unhappy.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 03/11/2025 06:44

Your problems are bigger than Christmas dinner.

i’d go back to your parents and then stay there.

He sounds awful and I can’t imagine he’s a joy to live with because of his sexist attitudes. You can do better.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 03/11/2025 06:46

Tell him, sorry I don't do Christmas lunch. You cook what you want for them yourself. Why is he expecting you to cook for them? There is a lovely two letter word in the English language which is.......NO!

SALaw · 03/11/2025 06:51

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He’s not remotely got you over a barrel. You have agency. You have choice. Why does he get to say he hates cooking but you don’t? Speak up!

Simplelobsterhat · 03/11/2025 06:52

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

That argument would only work if he had hosted your family and done all the cooking for them, having only met them once before.

If not then how is it equivalent?

I do understand it must be hard for him to miss his home country and traditions, and it won't hurt you to feel a bit left out once every few years, as he must do the other years, but he can't expect you to do all the facilitating for that, especially not pregnant. And make sure it doesn't become every other year because cousin who meets you once in 3 years does not get same importance as parents.

Think about the gender roles in this relationship and lay down now what you will and won't accept before the baby is born.

GreenGodiva · 03/11/2025 06:52

Jesus Christ, do not have a baby with this man. Hes telling you very loudly exactly who he is and what your role will be for the entirety of your relationship. And this rat doesn’t even sound like a relationship tbh. Who on earth dictates this way? He sounds AWFUL. In your shoes I’d be having an abortion and telling him it was a miscarriage and moving on from this potential disaster.

Ilovehighlandcows · 03/11/2025 06:54

GreenGodiva · 03/11/2025 06:52

Jesus Christ, do not have a baby with this man. Hes telling you very loudly exactly who he is and what your role will be for the entirety of your relationship. And this rat doesn’t even sound like a relationship tbh. Who on earth dictates this way? He sounds AWFUL. In your shoes I’d be having an abortion and telling him it was a miscarriage and moving on from this potential disaster.

I admit I'd do exactly this.

Thisismynewname23 · 03/11/2025 06:54

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

If it’s his traditional food, he knows what it should taste like etc and he is doing the inviting surely he should cook? If you want to help him then you can if not let him get it organised, he will know what to buy, make etc make this clear now the alternative is he can arrange for you all to go out

AhBiscuits · 03/11/2025 06:59

You need to woman up OP, don't let him push you around. Are you happy to play the role pf housewife, doing all the donkey work while he puts his feet up? His family is his problem. He cooks and he makes the beds. This relationship has disaster written all over it.

Irenesortof · 03/11/2025 06:59

Your partner had no right to arrange Christmas without consulting you. I’d tell him that and ask him to cancel the invitation.

SocksPechora · 03/11/2025 07:00

Having a baby with this man will ruin your life OP.

FlyingApple · 03/11/2025 07:03

Why do you have to cook it?

Emonade · 03/11/2025 07:04

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 23:24

Thank you everyone for the advice. I’ve had stern words. I’m making a curry for everyone as I like curry, make a lovely curry and am comfortable making it. He will prepare a traditional side dish himself. Not going to do the classic English Christmas dinner as I’m not comfortable doing that for 5 people for my first time

Edited

that was easy enough, strange to make a xenophobic post about your own partner and his family before actually just talking to him, are you sure you wouldn’t rather have an ENGLISH partner?!

sharkstale · 03/11/2025 07:04

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:22

He even said something along the lines of “I’m really looking forward to this Christmas. I know you’ll be a bit on the outside but it’ll be nice to see them”

So he doesn't care that he's ruining your Christmas, whilst being pregnant. Agree with others, go to your mums

Maddy70 · 03/11/2025 07:08

He invited, he cooks
Or you do a British Christmas
Or you go to your mum's

Mulledjuice · 03/11/2025 07:11

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

Totally reasonable that he should want to do Christmas his way for once. Not at all reasonable that YOU do it all!

Snugglemonkey · 03/11/2025 07:12

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

He does not have you over a barrel. Did you expect him to do the catering on previous occasions?

It is totally reasonable of him to want his own traditional Christmas. It is completely unreasonable to expect you to be producing it.

OverNotOver · 03/11/2025 07:15

OP, don’t confuse culture with values.

Im married to a man from a culture which is very different to mine. We have had to learn and compromise. But our values are the same.

It sounds dangerously like one of his values is that his view is more important than yours, because he is a man. That is not something to compromise on.

No5ChalksRoad · 03/11/2025 07:15

GreenGodiva · 03/11/2025 06:52

Jesus Christ, do not have a baby with this man. Hes telling you very loudly exactly who he is and what your role will be for the entirety of your relationship. And this rat doesn’t even sound like a relationship tbh. Who on earth dictates this way? He sounds AWFUL. In your shoes I’d be having an abortion and telling him it was a miscarriage and moving on from this potential disaster.

Yes. OP, please think hard. There are 4 billion other men on the planet. Your life will be miserable with this one.

LasagneLasagne · 03/11/2025 07:21

I wouldn't even be making a curry for this man. What an arsehole. Does he have any redeeming features? You should not be putting up with this shit.

I fear for your future.

Coffeeblanketandabookplz · 03/11/2025 07:24

he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

Did he cook the traditional British Christmas for everyone? Course he didnt, he had the meal handed to him. So he can hand you the traditional food from his country if he will be keeping it fair.

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