To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Possibly not, but sometimes it's better for an OP to hear the truth rather than have people keep tiptoeing around her and suggesting her parents come and do her misogynist husband's cooking for him etc.

If it were just the OP involved, I might have expressed myself more tactfully. But she is proposing to bring a child into this shitshow, and that is extremely unfair. Either she stays with this man and the child is raised by a bullying misogynist, or she sees sense and leaves him and the child starts their life without a father.

Either way, she is deliberately inflicting an adverse life event on her unborn child because she is still trying to tiptoe around this man. Compromising with a curry, for goodness' sake!

We are a very established Anglo-European couple too...

Any of his 'home country' dishes that I cook... Ive picked up over decades... I enjoy eating them and it feels no pressure .. I will sometimes cook them for regular, everyday meals.

Any serious celebration type food from his country... He prepares and cooks...

Also I'm lucky my Oh isn't a sexist knob!

Oh my god
I really hope this isn't true , people sometimes post rubbish to get people all het up ..
If it's true ,I'm so sorry .but this will be better how it is about everything from now on ..he's showing his true colours how he feels about women ...and it's you serving him and his family .
You still have time to leave if that is not how you want your life to go .
Why are you not horrified at his expectations of a woman

He doesn't have you over a barrel. You aren't saying that you won't eat a traditional Christmas dinner from his country. You are saying that you don't know how to cook it so you won't cook it. If you had made him cook a traditional British Christmas dinner, he would have a point. You didn't, so he hasn't.

He sounds sexist and controlling. I agree with posters telling you to bin him.

I missed this...

This reminds me of a now older Indian colleague (she'd be in her 70s now) .

She was married off as a young girl, moved into the family (husbands) home, where here mother-in-law essentially retired from any domestic stuff as she was burnt out of being the family 'slave'.

She said her husband and his brothers would return from temple and bring any number of last minute guests and expect my 17 year old colleague to provide them with a multi course feast.

She was roundly criticised if the many dishes failed to live up to her expectations....

This was probably the mid 1960s Asian family.

My poor lovely colleague was utterly miserable at her appalling treatment.

Please don't be an English version of her!

You DO HAVE CHOICES HERE...

Put your foot down and tell him no.

He has absolutely not got you over a barrel over this.

Did he do all or even any of the work for the British Christmas?

Put your foot down. Tell him he can do all the work. This level of pressure is simply not fair on you. Please stand up for yourself.

It is actually bizarre expecting you to cook a spread for his family. Especially when you have no clue. Is he generally a wanker?

He sounds so vile, get out now this will never last

Are you scared of him? You sound remarkably passive and resigned to your fate. You are obviously and understandably worried about cooking a full Christmas dinner from another country, but you don't sound really angry that he has invited his cousin and her partner with no consultation and expects you to do all the cooking.

What would he do if you take the advice of posters on here and just refuse to do the cooking? I think you should just go to your parents house and leave him and his relatives to it.

But a child will always tie you to the other person involved. Forever. It is preventable though, especially given how he is currently treating her.

First post has it.

He wants to invite people = HE can bloody well cook. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like it, neither do you. Don’t do if.

It's bollocks isn't it..

Most people have 3 meals (of some sort) daily... So that's over a 1000 thinking /buying and prep...

So does he repair the same socket a 1000 times a year... Or mow the lawn a 1000 times..
And also a lot of DIY jobs (apart from emergencies), he can choose when to do.... So he has freedom..

Many of those 1000 meals are fixed to general times a day... You can't say... I'll take a week off and do all the cooking /prep for a year... And then it would be finished... Like if you were decorating a lounge for example.... Cooking is hugely labour intensive... Even if you're doing reheats/pre prepped... You still jave to think about it, buy it and prepare it...!!

One thing {mention:KatieBenoiteee}i@KatieBenoiteeei really really wish I knew as a young woman in my first live in relationship... Instead of focusing on the task... They all have different time commitments /disruption to hour day /financial cost...

Is to

FOCUS ON THE AMOUNT IF TIME EACH OF YOU HAVE FREE WEEKLY...
So how many hours... Outside paid work..

This is HUGELY telling...

Free time as in, I can meet pals for coffee/go running /read a book/go to Flicks to see my choice of film. Time that is not focused in domestic issues.

My guess is he has a huge amount of free time weekly compared to you.

Sorry, but I tend to agree with this.

I also think it's interesting that he dropped this on you this year, just after you've fallen pregnant.

I wonder if he now thinks you are trapped and his behaviour towards you is already in decline or if he had always been a misogynist areshole and you've either not seen it or been prepared to accept it.

Sorry to be blunt, OP, but to older ears this doesn't sound like it's heading anywhere good for you and any children.

Trying something new in the kitchen is irrelevant, she's been tasked with cooking a full foreign Christmas spread for people she didn't even invite. There should be some kind of logic or reading comprehension requirement to post, honestly

This. He’s expecting OP?? What a twat.

This is on of those treads where the red flags are so obvious but unfortunately are being ignored.
Give it 5 years and the OP will be doing everything in the home and for/with any DC wondering how she got there

I’m raging for you. DH once, only once, invited a couple to ours for the weekend who I didn’t know. I went absolutely nuts, no consideration for the work that I would have to do, plus getting to know these people, whilst he would no doubt have sat there being Mr Sociable. Fortunately, they cancelled. I think they heard me shouting.

tell him to fuck right off now, your life is about to become a door mat, please don’t excuse this as him being traditional. It’s 2025 and we’re in the UK.

How has he got you over a barrel? He’s been with you to your parents, but presumably he didn’t do any of the cooking there. He’s behaving like an entitled child.

He sounds awful. The cousins sound awful.

Just bow out and have a nice Christmas with your family and leave them to it. It's just one day. I wouldn't want to eat a curry on Christmas day and then sit there being excluded because they're too rude to speak in English.

Are you sure he's the right guy for you OP?

Sounds like it's going to be awful for you OP
You cooking and waiting on the them while they sit drinking and chatting in their own language.
Are the recipes particularly difficult ?

Red flags all over.
OP please heed all the advice above.

How is the odd bit of DIY and mowing the lawn a few times a year equivalent to cooking every day?

You’re a doormat, OP.

Sorry why do you have to do all this? Because you have two xx genes? He invited them, he's welcome to do the work.

Why on earth are you letting yourself be dictated to in this way? If he wants to host he can roll his sleeves up and cook. If not, he doesn’t host. You’re supposed to be his partner not maid / cook / general servant.