To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Not sure that's a helpful comment 🥴

Oh, please.

This utter shitshow is not remotely a good place to bring a new human into.

He’s an abusive misogynist who clearly has zero respect for OP; she’s a bangmaid for him and his friends.

it would be reprehensible to saddle anyone with him as their father.

Possibly, but who says OP can't be a loving, successful single parent?

The fact you use the term 'bangmaid' tells me everything I need to know (I had to google). Do you not see how deeply misogynistic that is?

You really have picked the wrong man to have a baby with. Like, really really bad choice.

It’s not too late, that’s all I’m saying. You need a serious think about the life you want, the parenting you want, and the example you want set for your child. This is the wrong man. And he won’t change. So…

This is exactly what I think.
OP is going to be the bad guy on Christmas day no matter what she does.
Go home to your family and let him get on with it.

Actions have consequences...he invited so he can entertain and host. The golden boy can recreate all his precious Christmas memories and relive them with his family himself. Perfect 😃 👍 (although we know when he's landed with the work he won't actually want to do it after all) happy to throw u under a bus tho. Bodes very badly for future.

Ask him what he's planning to cook for his guests.

Reading this made me nervous about your future with this man. He dictates to you. Your life together is a negotiation, it's not husband telling little wifey what to do. It makes me nervous that you are having a baby with him. I would strongly advise you to seek couples counselling with someone competent if you want to stay with him. I understand if you don't want to leave but I can see this domineering behaviour continuing if not addressed now. He will use his culture as an excuse every time.

His family excluding you by speaking a different language needs to stop now.

My advice if you were my friend would be to leave, honestly.

Bear in mind the level of unpaid work you do and keep up awareness that you both do equal amounts. Dont fall for any bullshit of him ‘helping’; he’s either a fully fledged adult sharing the unpaid work or he’s expecting you to be a service human.
Do the same when the baby is born; mKe sure he spends lots of time doing the grind and learning to settle him/her to sleep so you/he doesn't fall into the trap of ‘ baby prefers you so you do it. ‘.

We have Eastern European family members. I will turn my hand to most cuisines and I am a confident cook, and I was perfectly happy to do fish for Christmas Dinner but they were utterly aghast I didn’t fancy keeping a live carp in the bath and ceremonially dispatching it on Christmas Eve. Apart from anything else, we live in a terraced house with one bathroom! And carp tastes like pond water. The compromise was a salmon starter and then something a bit less daunting for main. It looks like you’ve found a good compromise too.

I have an idea what country he’s from by the hints and I can tell you now I wouldn’t be doing it. My family are from a central European country and no way would I be making specialty Christmas dishes if I hadn’t made them before. You are pregnant and you need to relax. Good on you for standing your ground.

Oh god . My grandma used to do that with carp too on Christmas Eve. I forgot about the trauma of grabbing it out the bath.

I think probably the worst thing about this is that he acknowledges you will be “outside” (due to not speaking his language etc.) - treated as an outsider in your own home, on Christmas Day, when it is you doing the cooking and presumably waiting on these people while they effectively ignore you. That is pretty shitty IMO.

Suggest that as you are all adults you go to a restaurant for dinner. At 6 weeks its common for morning sickness to really kick in and that can last awhile. Then leave him to the sleeping arrangements and most of the entertainment. Maybe go and see a friend Boxing Day, they are his relatives, not yours and he invited them without your say so.
I would really reconsider this relationship, although as you are already pregnant maybe to late.

What if you are too nauseous and fatigued to open the fridge let alone cook a curry? What if that lasts months? Will he cook for and arrange Christmas and also shop and prepare food for you for that time if it’s necessary? Will he make you healthy food and bring you unhealthy snacks and lots of drinks while you’re breastfeeding? Will he be gracious and understanding if you can’t face sex for months because of pain? Will he take turns to get up every hour or two with a waking crying baby and be kind and gentle when he does? Will he share the never ending extra life admin and housework that a child entails? Will he cook for the child? Will he patiently pick up and clean up after that child throws all that food on the floor? Will he look after that child and prioritise him or her if you get pregnant again and suddenly can’t be the main caregiver to a needy toddler? Will he put the effort in to maintain a relationship with you through all of that when most of what you do together is project management for a couple of years and you’re not available to pander to him?

Why are you having a baby with this man?

Refuse to host and refuse to cook. You’re not a maid! He's invited them - HE should cook.

Why has he invited people back who were condescending to you? I wouldn’t have them back in my house.

I’d really be questioning my future with a man like this.

Big. Red. Flag. 🚩
He is showing you who he is.
🏃‍♀️💨

Ok this can be easily resolved: make like Jamie Oliver and do the majority of the prep work in the 36 hours before the celebration, so that on the day actual, it's just a matter of timing to pull everything together.

I know that it shouldn't be on you and that you're pregnant (whispering congrats!), but when you dated and subsequently married this man, it sounds like you were aware that he comes from a patriarchal culture and that he's an unwilling/rubbish cook.

You say that you can't find the recipes in English - again this is easily resolved - put them into google translate.

Celebrate the fact that you have the chance to celebrate Christmas with delicacies from a different country. Surely you'll want to incorporate elements of both parents' Christmas/holiday traditions with your child(ren), so this is just a practice run??

And lastly, ask cousin to bring a pudding.

This is your last Christmas before there's a baby/child's needs to consider. You go to your parents and he can cook for his relatives at yours. What a guy...!

It’s tricky as it is totally fair you should get to try his country’s customs and food etc for the holidays. My family blended polish and British Christmas into one three day holiday starting with all the fish and pickles and fishy egg crap in aspic on Christmas Eve, then Father Christmas comes both days.

what is crazy is them expecting you to cook their foods you have never tried before. Nobody wins. So - suggest since you are pregnant you cannot stand the smell of the dishes without vomiting. Then suggest instead of messing up the meal, you book a restaurant that offers that cuisine for a day before or after Christmas. Then have Xmas day alone and if they want to come to you for Boxing Day or new years do that.

or simply say you’d rather they come for New Year’s Day feast instead so no pressure to provide anything out of your comfort zone.

When people tell you who they are believe them the first time.

I feel for you OP because I suspect this isn't going to end well.

Please do not give up work after you have a baby.

Be very careful about money/security/rent/mortgage. you are not married to him.

All of us older women on here can see the red flags waving madly. And it isn't coincidental that he started this shit once you are pregnant.

be very careful here. I wonder what your parents think of it all.

Don’t support this outrage! She should scarper for good, and asap, as this family will bring nothing good into her life.
They are setting her up to fail with the unfamiliar cuisine, and all that day his damn cousin will be belittling her in a foreign language though both she and this ghastly boyfriend obviously speak English.

If any festive meal from their culture is going to be offered, it should be they who host! Fancy plonking your demands for your old favourites onto one who's never attempted such dishes. Dreadful lack of basic manners.
Their general rudeness and entitlement is off the scale, and indicative of future married life: HIS family will always take precedence over any wife.

I think a PP was spot on: there are men (and this lot sound typical of such a cultural attitude) who view an early first pregnancy the way a cowboy sees a steer he’s just lassoed.
Next step is branding (wedding ring), and intensive breaking of the will and the spirit. Then a life as a beast of burden.

Please, OP. I’d reconsider that pregnancy most urgently, and I’d skedaddle home to my parents, stat. This relationship is faulty.

I think you both doing meals is a relatively good compromise in the circumstances. However, the main thing (out of several) I would be concerned about is his changing your plans. Presumably you both discussed and decided to have a quiet Christmas together? And then he unilaterally decided (with no input from you) to completely alter those plans and then gets snippy when you say you are not happy about it. I would have been livid and probably cancelled. You really need to be clear with him that this is not acceptable, unless you are happy to play second fiddle for the rest of your relationship, and decisions that affect you and your family must be agreed together. Tough sh*t if he is from another culture, you are from your culture and he will have to learn that. All relationships have tricky areas which is why communication is the key.

Also, hoping having his family turns out to be enjoyable, but, if it isn't or if it ends up all on you (likely), I would make it very clear you won't be doing it again, early doors, and to aske him not to invite them again without your say so. I wouldn't be starting a tradtion that he wants but you don't.

Tbh I’d change the plan and go to your folks.
You are pregnant. It wil be familiar. They will take care of you.

if you host at your own home because he has invited people then he needs to do the hosting. Ie the cooking and the cleaning.

he did not think it thru properly before inviting people. Tell him to uninvite, change the venue or accept he is doing the cooking.

I absolutely absolutely wouldn't be doing this.... In any world...!!

For several reasons..

1. Any usual UK woman is a feminist (I hope you are too!) You are NOT his domestic slave... You are his partner /wife?

How in earth would he expect you to 'know' all the details of preparing these dishes which you may have not even tried before.

2.It also sets up the expectation that you should WANT to do this annually. And probably many times in between.

3.You've met them once... And it was very rude to converse in their own language when the host can't understand.

4.You'll be in the first trimester of pregnancy with HIS child.... You may well be being very pukey by then...

1. you've only got a limited time 'off', this will be spent worrying /shopping and cooking these dishes... It will be sod all break for you... You'll return to work knackered... Where he'll have had a nice time eating /drinking with his family. And you haven't even the reward of sparkling fun company... Stilted /no conversation...

6.as you say, it reduces you to a role of hired, unpaid caterer.

These are just a few of the reasons I feel you should say 'no' ans loudly...

Ask him to cancel for a relaxed couple time... If he won't do this... Go to your friends /parents...!!

Also... Who says as you've had British type Christmases previously you should want to host his type of yule....

Also.... Does he EVER cook/do his share of housework?