To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

My husband is British, I am not. We live in England. We have the traditional English Christmas but I always cook some traditional food from my country. I would never ask him to cook recipes from my country, it would not be fair.
Speaking in their own language around you is rude as hell.
And to invite people over for Christmas without speaking with you first, that is out of order.

What kind of food are you talking about

Yup, there’s loads of Polish, Hungarian and Romanian supermarkets, minimarts, delicatessens and online shops in the UK that do ready meals and prepped stuff to order.

Either in store, click & collect or delivery.

The DP could easily order it.

If he's like this now, he'll be far, far worse once you're 9 months pregnant or when you have a young baby. He'll be a terrible, sexist, misogynist father.

Have an abortion (but don't tell him, say it was a miscarriage if he asks).
Move back in with your parents.

Tell him he is cooking if he wants specific things. If you're cooking, you're cooking what you can be bothered to cook at 5 weeks prg and hosting (outsourcing M&S shove in the oven and still tasty)

Put your foot down girl.

What on earth are you doing??

Open your eyes - now!

I say this as someone who doesn’t celebrate Xmas but makes an effort to cook a xmas meal for my husband and guests but I like doing so. Its not Turkey but usually a fish course, game, dessert and cheese. I do ot because its fun. He cooks with me and we share the fun and work.

Get out now!

It’s usually stuffed dumplings and soup and a fish dish and a paprika noodle dish and/or stew and meats and bread and various cakes.

It’s a shared task, though.

He shouldn't have invited them without discussing it with you in advance and the two of you agreeing. Even if he had and you did agree, though, he should be doing the cooking and making up of beds, etc., asking you for "help" if needed.

End it now or end it in 20 years. After he’s wrecked your life

First of all, if you live with someone, it’s not ok to invite people to stay without asking the other person - he should have consulted you.

Secondly, why is it you doing the cooking, sorting sleeping arrangements, etc? Tell him absolutely no way you’re doing all of that and he can do it himself as it was him who invited them.

@KatieBenoiteee End your relationship now. This will not be an isolated disagreement and it will only get worse.

I read the first five pages or so. They were (rightly IMO) full of people telling the OP that if her husband wanted his traditional national dishes, he did the cooking. I couldn't see the OP explaining anywhere why he couldn't cook, just more of what he expected from her. OP, is there a reason your husband can't/won't cook? In general terms, are you happy being the person who does all the cooking? With a baby on the way, are you happy more generally with how household chores are split between you? If not, now's the time to address it, not wait until the baby's arrived.

I'll add my voice to the chorus of "if he wants his traditional meals for his family who he invited, he does the cooking".

This is not a Christmas problem. Its a lifetime of him expecting you to do things he wants because he wants to impress his family. I am British Asian Christian. My ' traditional' Christmas dinner takes about 3 days to prepare. I haven't had one in years as no one really bothers anymore. I don't do any roast dinners let alone Christmas as Im terrible at them and can't get the timings right. My MIL makes a cats bum face when I point to her son every time she asks about roasts/ Christmas dinner but tough really. Eat all your dinner hot at the same time or get me to do it. I peel potatoes and take leaves off sprouts in front of the telly.

I can’t believe he invited people for Christmas without running it by you first, and then expecting you to do all the cooking. Make sure he does all the prep - the cleaning, the shopping, and making up the beds. Honestly, in your shoes, I’d go home and leave him to it. He’d only do it once - and make sure you’re not conforming to some trad wife stereotype just because he wants it, if you’re not comfortable with it.

This alone is so rude and a sign of what you can expect on Christmas Day. Selfish and rude of him not to consult you about plans for the 25th and beyond sexist and lazy to expect you to cook his country's food for these people who clearly can't be bothered to make an effort with you.

I’m sorry but you need to abort, dump him and exponentially raise your standards.

How desperate for companionship could one be, to put up with this disrespectful, abusive, arrogant arsehole??? Do you really feel that you have no other options for how to spend your one and only life???

OP you have written:

• He and family speak own language and leave you out- rude
• Invited them for Xmas dinner and did not discuss with you first and also he acknowledged you would be left out a bit due to language - so makes no effort to include you? - your job will be just to prepare the food, make up beds and host his guests....like an unpaid skivvy
• you work and are pregnant but he still thinks it is your responsibility to make Christmas dinner - for his guests he inivted with out consulting you and make up the beds...
• His argument is your parents made Christmas dinners in the past now you should- no - he should for his guests or by his argument he should cook as your family have previously cooked for him. It's his turn.
• He argues because he does DIY or mows the lawn a couple of time a year you should do all the cooking etc...not equal work

Does he help daily with house work, cooking, admin?
It will not get any better OP.
Now imagine when you have a newborn, or back at work with a small child - do you think he will help with the child? You will be expected to work, keep house, do admin, look after the children, host his relatives.

If your friend told you this about her relationship what would you say to her?

Read all the chorus of unanimous posts OP...all saying you deserve better.

Ding ding ding

nailed it

Well, you've been told in no uncertain terms that you have hitched your wagon to a misogynist, abusive twat, and you still have your fingers in your ears while you shout lalala!

I'm sorry you are so determined to bring an innocent child into this complete horror show. Children really do deserve better of their parents.

There is still time to rethink your choices, although it's very clear you have no intention of doing so. It just feels really sad to read about.

😂 Got to love a bit of gaslighting thrown in with the misogyny. How nice was he cooking Christmas dinner for you and your family?! Yeah…bet that didn’t happen. Why the hell would you do that? It’s his turn and he invited them. Stand your ground now because it’s not looking great. Set your boundaries and don’t allow him to gaslight you on this. He cooks and shops for his friends. Period. If he doesn’t want to they don’t come. Personally if I were you I’d take myself off to my own family where I’d actually be appreciated and not rudely excluded and expected to act as a kitchen wrench

Utterly disappointed in the posters that are suggesting OP aborts or who are saying she hasn't thought her pregnancy through. None of us know the background here.

Clearly this is a highly challenging and emotional time for her and these questions/statements are cruel and clearly not designed to be helpful. The OP may well choose to do that (and luckily in this country she has the option to do so), but it isn't for random posters online to judge her and recommend a drastic step at a time of distress.

Absolutely this🎯 ... A million times over.

The reason it feels so wrong to you is because it is. Total mick take. If you do all the work he will sit back and relax with his family. If u say anything at all contrary, you will be the bad guy/moan/fun sponge.

Stay a million miles away from this disaster in the making.

"Yeah, and you've ruined my fucking life. Bye."