To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

At five weeks pregnant I’d be looking at terminating and running. I’m really not sure you want this man in your future. Think long and hard about this relationship. He’s shown you no respect and was happy for you to be isolated for the entire day……he didn’t care you’d be three months pregnant and knackered. He didn’t cook when you were horribly ill until you begged…..get out now.

Tell him that he’s had a free home cooked meal at your parents all these years of Christmases, the least he can do is cook this Christmas for his own family.

He does not have you over a barrel, he has never cooked for your family! You sound downtrodden.

What is the housework split?

He invited them - he does ALL the work. Especially on the “traditional spread from their country” elements as he should know them.

as an aside, do you think a traditional Christmas meal with enormous pressure to satisfy his family is the way to start exploring his food?

Erm...well obviously not - hence the suggestion of a restaurant/caterer.

Also finding a middle ground does not make one a slave...

@localnotail I didn't know that. But would it not be more of an all women cook together situation in such countries? More of an extended family / village get together setup? As opposed to 1 woman who can't even cook the traditional food?
I would think this cousin plus the 2men should insist on cooking the dinner and make OP welcome to watch if she is curious about the process. This was probably DH's idea to prove to his relatives that his wife is traditional wife material. Very narrow minded and disrespectful of him.

and do you cook meals you've never eaten on demand from people who never cook? yes I would for a special occasion also for my own interest and experience. If it was a disaster, I would laugh about it and hope my guests would too.
Whoever cooks decides the menu. agree.

Cooking something you've never eaten for someone for whom it's a cultural staple is different from trying out new recipes together or trying to reproduce something you enjoyed at a restaurant or on holiday, for fun.
It's an 'I'm trying to make you feel welcome and show respect for your culture' thing. In my experience, guests do not usually pick faults with what you've prepared even though it may have failed. They are usually pleased you've tried.

He voluntold you and wants to host on your work when you're unfamiliar with his cuisine. And to do this when you're not a confident cook to begin with and will be ? months pregnant, what an asshole move.

He cooks or you're off to your parents.

Leave him with an emergency pizza.

I'm serious. I don't do voluntold shit at all.

So OP, your offer of trying to make a stew from his cuisine was not good enough a few months ago, but now you are to be in charge of catering his traditional Christmas feast. He is nuts and very very unreasonable.

You sound very young, and tbh honest quite blinded by being 'in love'. I'm not sure there's a cure for those two things other than getting older and learning the hard way - unless you are willing to act on the advice so many women have given you this evening.

I hope you work it out. Good luck!

It’s completely reasonable for him to want a traditional Christmas from his culture.
Its completely unreasonable for him to expect/ demand you provide it for him.

He's showing you exactly where he considers you, beneath him, serving him, and just in the nick of time. Don’t move in with him.

You still don’t sound as though you are going to stand up to him. It doesn’t need to be so much pressure. Just don’t do it.

I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding

And this is still what you are going to do. Tell him!

Op you’re sleepwalking into 40+ years of misery here. You might want to rethink your pregnancy

OP with your message that he told you not to bother cooking a traditional meal recently because it wouldn't taste the same I'm slightly worried he's deliberately setting you up to fail. I hope I'm wrong and it's more just a masculine pride/showing off thing which is still bad. But it sounds like he could deliberately be doing this to accuse you of ruining Christmas and messing everything up for his family, and shaming him. Many abusive men become more abusive when their partner becomes pregnant. Just be very wary. I would definitely though go to your family - just tell them you've got the baby on the way and can't afford presents, so don't buy you any. Or buy a £5 secret santa special for wveryone and tell them in advance so they can do the same. Family are family, I'm sure they'd rather have you than you not go because of money.

Give it a couple of weeks then ring her up and cancel before she does it to you the day before Christmas

I don't think he does have you "over a barrel". The situations are different, because presumably your parents hosted/cooked over previous Christmases. To match the situation this year, you and DP would be spending Christmas with his relatives doing the hosting/cooking.

Why on earth are you with this man @KatieBenoiteee?

Do you have extremely low self-esteem?

Or does he have a solid gold vibrating cock?

Tell him to fuck off!

The OP is 5 weeks pregnant, that horse has bolted.

Not your job to cool all his traditional.foods or do all the work to host his family. Put your foot down now or you will become his doormat for life. I suspect he won't like it but do you want to spend forever being a slave?

Why are you expected to cook?? Why can't your partner do it?

Perhaps a compromise could be that he provides a couple of dishes from his country and you do some British food?

If you’re planning on an M&S dinner, why doesn’t he see whether he can order some of his traditional dishes? I bet he’ll find somewhere that caters if he does a bit of research. That way, neither of you will be stressed.

This.

Don’t buy a house with this man. He invites people for Christmas without talking to you first then expects you to cater for them? He doesn’t see you as an equal partner and never will.

Christmas and cooking are the least of your issues here. It’s very concerning you aren’t seeing the massive red flags with his attitude and behaviour.

Well you you need to put some boundaries in place now. He is definitely treating you like a doormat. This will only get worse .
I would personally go stay with family for Christmas and tell him to cook for him and his friends.
And buy him a cook book for Christmas.