To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

A more emotionally intelligent response, to a student, might be "I can see how that might be difficult for you both".
However, she is entitled to discuss difficulties,as she experiences them.
He has done nothing wrong.
Your other daughter, on the other hand, is stirring up trouble. She is the one who has hurt you, by sharing confidences.
Grooming, based on this information, is a stretch.
You'd be wise to stop thinking about this tittle tattle.

You've had 22(ish?) years to be a profound influence on her in years where she was much more impressionable, so your concern seems a bit over the top.

I feel it would have been more appropriate to observe “that sounds difficult for both of you”.

Can I also suggest that by this metric, the correct response to you from every poster replying should be "that sounds difficult for both of you."

But you brought it here because you wanted a response from an audience that you already know to be largely sympathetic to your viewpoint, just as she did. Plus, a thirdhand accounting of a conversation by someone who wasn't even part of it is a generally unreliable reporting.

You sound like you've been navigating it ok. Why not just move on and ignore it?

Id probably have laughed and made a comment about the professor not being as bright as he should be or thinks he is if he doesn't understand biology that a ten year old can grasp.

Believing you can change your sex is delusional. Acknowledging that doesn’t mean you hate trans people.

A man standing in front of someone insisting they are a woman is delusional, yes. They can believe anything they want to, they can’t insist anyone else does too. Especially when what they’re insisting upon is fundamentally untrue. It’s not kind to lie.

Do you think the professor thinks it’s possible to change sex?
His views will be the usual mish mash of incoherent nonsense and not thought through garblings.

Oh, get over yourself. He was a very sweet and very effeminate gay man in the time I knew him, and also a heroin addict trying to find recovery. I didn't "misgender him" as that term did not exist back then.

If you're a terf, you're a terf. If you hold trans exclusionary radical feminist views, people are going to describe you in that way 🤷‍♀️

Conflict within families is hard. Your daughter has confided about this in a professor who she has a friendly relationship with. He has empathised. Your other daughter has decided to stir shit for ??? whatever reason.

If you post in FWR you'd have people empathising and calling your daughter a hand maiden or traitor or whatever. You get empathy there, she gets empathy from her professor.

As are you tbh...

Point I was making was siblings telling on other siblings happens in most families

I wouldn’t be too concerned over my dad she plastered it all over Facebook

What a disgusting thing to say. You can support and love your children while not agreeing on everything.

Sometimes supporting and loving our children means that we must disagree with them. If her daughter was anorexic would you expect her mother to agree that she’s overweight when she’s clearly not?

It's literally right there to read but ok

We're all TERFs. We're everywhere.

Because if you believe in ‘biological reality’, and many biologists say it is not as simple as your chromosomes, then you are saying people are basically living in fantasy, or lying. Personally I think there is a biological or neurological reason why trans people have always existed, and I am happy for them to use safe spaces.

Though LITERALLY what TERF means.

Factually it is delusional for a male to think that they are female when they’re not. That’s reality. Not hatred.

She transition3d and yet you are still calling her by male pronouns

That's misgendering

That wasn't my point. I think it's rude to dismiss what someone else says as "bullshit" just because you don't feel the same. What makes your viewpoint superior? Particularly as your own statement was inaccurate.

really? have you considered that the gender dysphoria, “sex change” and drug use were actually a response to already existing issues?

It’s seems like you are unwilling to challenge your own orthodoxy at all.

It's not factual and transmen exist too

I'm a TERF, and an academic, and if a student told me that, I'd probably say something fairly non-committal, such as "How do you feel about that ?"

What I mean is that we sometimes say things to students which are what they appear to need at the time but maybe have little to do with our own beliefs.

And the academic's relationship is a pedagogical one with students, not with their parents!

Increasingly, I don't say much to students about my personal beliefs. I've been burnt on this issue by anonymous witch-hunting students, and I'd rather like to keep my job. Although I teach explicitly feminist stuff, so if they're half-way intelligent, they'll work it out.

You do not get to give away women’s safe spaces over your unproven faith based beliefs.

It’s difficult for the daughter as she has friends she cares about who her mum is willing to speak out against. How is it difficult for the mum in this situation? The only difficulty for her is that her daughter doesn’t think the same way as her.

Men who say they are women are lying. Because they aren’t. Of course they have the right to safe spaces. Ones that align with their sex.

I believe trans women are women, trans men are men and I don’t care if a trans woman is the cubicle next to me in the loo. As a woman I do not feel erased by the existence of trans women and I can share that space.